Harem Ethics 101

04. Me, Myself, and I

I’d spent the next three days in a barred wagon with a thick, black cloth tarp firmly fixed in place over it. The obsidian fabric had let just enough light pass through it to dimly illuminate my surroundings, but wasn’t sheer enough to see outside. 

Inside the cage, there had only been an itchy straw mattress and a bucket. And my only contact with any other people had been when the same three guards delivered my ‘food’ each day. One with the tray while the other two pointed spears.

I’d mentally named them ‘Bitchy Spice’, ‘Garbage Spice’, and ‘Martin’. Bitchy Spice because he’d constantly bitched about everything, Garbage Spice because he smelt like garbage, and Martin because he just looked like a Martin to me. 

All three had one thing in common though: No matter who brought the tray, it’d always ended up ‘accidentally’ falling to the floor, sending most of the ‘food’ splattering across the planks. All three men had cackled each time as though they were comedic pioneers fine-tuning a joke for the ages… 

Apart from them it’d just been me, myself, and I.

It’d been a time of deep contemplation over my future, if my brother would ever figure out what happened to me, and how Nikki could’ve at least given me a handjob before booting me from my world.

How I’d felt before Nikki appeared had also been a frequent topic of mental deliberation…

#

My family had been all about college and had expectations for me to go to follow in their footsteps. They’d also wanted me to do something prestigious they could brag to people about. Nobody had bought my reasoning about not wanting to do a hard science and try to save the world or cure cancer or something and instead go for architecture, but my parents had accepted the career choice as being ‘at least respectable’. 

That said, what they really wanted was for me to go to college because it’s ‘the safest road through life’. They even had the statistics to back it up. So going had seemed like a no-brainer, even if they refused to foot the bill to ensure I took my studies seriously. And according to the statistics they presented, I’d pay off the student loans in no time anyways. 

However, it hadn’t been the debts hanging over me like an elephant on a tightrope that’d made me want to cannonball out a window during every lecture. It’d been the constant, dull ache of boredom and the uncertainty of what I wanted to do in the future.  

So, in an attempt to try and learn about what I really wanted, I decided to see the world. I’d backpacked through Europe and Asia after my senior year of high school, seeing new places, eating new food, and meeting new people nearly everyday. 

During that time I’d never felt more alive. I’d also learned how many paths there actually were through life, and that I didn’t know what I really wanted to do with my future.

It had been a stark contrast with my time at university: Vibrant discovery versus aching boredom. 

#

The wagon ride had also been a time of joy, because being interdimensionally booted had been the best thing to ever happen to me. I was in an entirely different world, one filled with things I’d never heard of and goddamn magic.

The irony of leaving university only to end up at a magical academy had not been lost on me either, especially with how eager I was at the idea of going. Who the fuck wouldn’t be excited to learn magic? 

Saying this was the ‘chance of a lifetime’ to start over would be bullshit to anyone’s ears. And all I could feel was excitement to get started.   

#

“Fuck!” My hands reactively covered my face when my three favorite guards pulled away the covering from my cage and let the full force of the sun bear down on me. The harsh light felt like it had a physical, scorching presence and was hellbent on obliterating my eyeballs.  

The cage’s door squealed and the clunk of boots against wood followed as the guards entered.

“Cause trouble and you’ll earn a spear in the gut, outworlder,” Bitchy Spice growled.

Rough hands grabbed my wrists and locked iron manacles in place around them.

“Up you get.” Garbage spice seized my bicep, groaning as he dragged me to my feet. “By the Emperor, you’re a big cunt…”

The sun was still trying to gouge out my eyes through my eyelids, so I kept them tightly shut as Garbage Spice led me forward.

The haft of a spear pushed against my back and I was met with empty air as I staggered forward. I thudded against the ground, pain shooting up my forearms and legs as they took the brunt of the impact. I groaned and rolled to the side. 

Bitchy Spice, Garbage Spice, and Martin laughed heartily as I spat out dust and dirt that’d gotten in my mouth. 

“Alright, boys. Let’s get this over with,” Martin chuckled. Pairs of hands took hold of both my arms and hauled me to my feet. “If we’re quick about this we might make it back to that inn we passed a while back before nightfall.”

Bitchy spice snorted on my left. “The girl hangin’ the laundry’ll have nothing to do with a dog like you,” he said knowingly. 

We moved forward.

“What do you mean by that?! I just want a real bed for the night… I’d never consider contemplating how best to go about convincing an impressionable young lady to let me split her cunt with my massive cock!” Martin said in mock outrage.

“Your massive what?” Garbage Spice snickered. “You can’t be talking about that baby carrot between your legs…”

“Fuck off!” Martin chuckled amiably. 

My eyes were finally starting to get used to the brightness, but it was only when darkness descended upon me that I slowly opened them. 

I’d intended to ask Garbage Spice why he knew so much about Martin’s dick, but what I saw made their potential brokeback-bro-time and banter fade into the background of my world. 

We trudged along in the shadow of a large, perfectly cut cube constructed from a material with the look of dull obsidian. It was the size of a wide two-story house, and with the exception of a solitary metal door set into its exterior, it was entirely featureless and without a single imperfection: An imposing monument to resilience that stood alone in a stretch of land where grasslands became desert.  

What the fuck?

A sense of foreboding weighed on me as we finally reached the metal slab of an entrance.

Am I supposed to live in this thing? For how long? The fucking elf didn’t tell me!

Garbage Spice pounded his fist against the door with three loud clunks. Then all three men quieted and straightened up to stand at attention.

Minutes passed in silence, my heartrate quickening with each moment. Their sudden solemnity ramped up my concern, as I wondered who might be inside to take charge of me. 

My guts tightened when the lock disengaged with a solid thunk and the door groaned open.