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How My Life Was Ruined 103: The Past - VI
“It won’t be stopping anytime soon, will it?” I said as I looked up at the sky that seemed white now.Since I had woken up late today and didn’t have time to browse the internet or watch the television, I hadn’t been updated about the weather today. And as such, I hadn’t bought an umbrella today.Horikita-san did propose to go home together but I politely declined. Our houses were in the exact opposite direction. She had insisted that she was okay with first dropping me home and then going on her way, but I tried my best to get that idea out of her brain. It was no easy task but I had managed to convince her somehow.I put my right hand outside the classroom window and let the heavy drops of rain hit my palm. As the drops made contact with my palm, a cold sensation ran up from my arms to my heart calming and soothing it.Yeah, that’s why I love rain.No matter what I am going through, no matter what I am feeling inside when I touch the rain and when I let it seep into my body and sou
How My Life Was Ruined 104: The Past - VII
The days continued like ever. Not changing. The same as usual.The same routine at home. My parents continued to fight as usual. My drunkard father continued to drink and hurl all sorts of abuse and accusations at her. She was condemned for things she hadn’t even done. Like cheating on him with other men. That was just a drunken fantasy – no – the drunken nightmare of my dad. It was just that while he was drunk his insecurities will come to the surface and that overwhelms him which then drives him to abuse my mom. He even would resort to violence. Whenever he raised his hands on mom, I raised my hands against him. A fourteen or fifteen-year-old son raising his hands against his own father? How comical it can be. And how pathetic it can get.The same routine in school. I read as everybody else did. I spent time with other people. I continued to give a fake laugh so that they will accept me. Ayase-sensei tried once again to get me laid. And I once again resisted her advances.However,
How My Life Was Ruined 105: The Past - VIII
“Mom…? Tatsuya-san…?”For a moment, I thought I was dreaming. No. It was probably a nightmare. Or so I thought. But, it wasn’t. Sadly, and unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream but a reality. A reality so removed from the reality I had been living in; removed from the reality that had been deceiving me. It was a reality that was even more nightmarish than a nightmare.Tatsuya-san’s eyes widened in shock and my mom looked on at me in horror.They didn’t move an inch.Although they had been caught, they couldn’t move a muscle. They were so shocked at what had transpired that they even forgot that they had to cover their naked body.“No, it’s a lie, right. How can it be?”I muttered those words.I didn’t even realize that I muttered those words.Something had crumbled and I could feel it. I had definitely heard the sound of something shattering. Perhaps it was my heart. Or perhaps it was my world. It could well have been the reality – the lie – being shattered. But, it definitely did shatter.
How My Life Was Ruined 106: The Past - IX
It had started raining at some point. It was a downpour. The rain was so heavy that it had made it difficult to see around. The very same rain that I enjoyed so much getting soaked in, I started hating it. It was making it difficult to see and I had lost where my dad had disappeared to. “Damn it! It had to rain at a time like this!” I cursed the heavens. That was when another realization hit me. Everything depends upon circumstances. The very same rain that I loved – I hated it now. It was the same rain but now I hated it. Why the difference? It was the circumstance that I was in that made me despise the rain. Maybe at some point in the future, I might come to love rain again. But at that moment, I wasn’t in the state to think about the future. I wasn’t so sure that I even had a future. I just ran along the road, not caring how wet I was and how heavy my dress felt. After that scene inside the house, my dad suddenly dashed off and I followed after him gripped by a deadly p
How My Life Was Ruined 107: The Past - X
I woke up to find myself in my familiar room.I raised my upper body. I felt sluggish and a bit feverish. With my heavy eyelids, I looked at the analog wall on the clock. The time was 6 in the evening.I got off my bed and made my way downstairs. I felt dizzy and I had to hold onto the guard railing as I went down.In the living room, there were two people sitting on the sofa. They were sitting side by side. In proximity. Close to each other. Their shoulders almost touching. The large T.V in the room was on and a news channel was broadcasting the news of a certain accident that had happened yesterday night.The female news reporter was on the scene, with a mic in her hand as she covered the news, “From police investigation, the statements from the eyewitnesses and the family members, it was a suicide.”“Suicide?” Hearing that word, I couldn’t keep my voice from leaking out.The two who were seated on the sofa with their backs to me turned around at once and looked at me in surprise. T
How My Life Was Ruined 108: The Past - XI
The days after that incident – after that tragedy – I don’t remember it that much. It was just a dark time I spent in my dark room with my curtains closed off and with no source of light inside.I just stayed in my bed for days with the blanket wrapped all over me like I was a delicate package to be handled with care. Which at that time, I was. Even the action of wrapping myself with a blanket was probably born out of a subconscious desire to protect myself. I was this close on the brink of collapsing after all. That blanket acted as a thin shell enveloping my broken soul, trying to heal my soul with its burning warmth.With that warmth, I tried to burn away the memories of that day. But I wasn’t able to. The memories I tried to suppress always found a way to crawl up my brain and heart coming off as an evil surprise every time. Even though I shouldn’t be surprised.This tormented me for the whole two weeks.Every time I tried to forget that tragedy ever happened, flashbacks of the ev
How My Life Was Ruined 109: The Past - XII
The very next day I put on my school uniform and went to school.Many shot me glances with different emotions and intent behind them at school. They all knew about what had happened after all. It even made it to national TV so no wonder the locals knew about it.But paying their eyes on me no heed, I sat at my seat and continued to act as usual. But the gloom somehow found its way to my face and students and teachers alike couldn’t help but worry.They gave me words of encouragement, comfort, and sympathy. I pretended that those words helped me a little and I was thankful for their concern. I smiled as usual. The fake smile I had become too used to.That day, the only one who didn’t offer me any words of condolence or sympathy was Hamasaki. I didn’t think too much about it back then but she probably had an inkling of the change in me. She was my childhood friend after all.After school was over, everyone either went home or went to their club activities. Only I remained in that classr
How My Life Was Ruined 110: The Past - XIII
I continued to indulge myself in sex with the aim of forgetting the pain. Though I knew it wasn’t possible. There was no way to forget all that completely – just a momentary relief before all the pain came crashing down to crush me. But even though I knew all that, I continued to break myself further and further, driving myself to the point of no return.I wonder – was that actually what I really wanted? Although I didn’t admit to it, in my subconscious maybe that was exactly what I had been wanting and wishing for. To break myself where I won’t be able to redeem myself – where I won’t be able to forgive myself – where I can just laugh it off saying that there’s nothing I can do anymore – where the only option I have left would be to die.I don’t know what day it was but I remember the sky was black and cloudy. It had seemed like it would rain any moment in the morning but it didn’t rain at all. The clouds were just hanging there – as if their only purpose that day was from preventing
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