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How My Life Was Ruined 106: The Past - IX
It had started raining at some point. It was a downpour. The rain was so heavy that it had made it difficult to see around. The very same rain that I enjoyed so much getting soaked in, I started hating it. It was making it difficult to see and I had lost where my dad had disappeared to. “Damn it! It had to rain at a time like this!” I cursed the heavens. That was when another realization hit me. Everything depends upon circumstances. The very same rain that I loved – I hated it now. It was the same rain but now I hated it. Why the difference? It was the circumstance that I was in that made me despise the rain. Maybe at some point in the future, I might come to love rain again. But at that moment, I wasn’t in the state to think about the future. I wasn’t so sure that I even had a future. I just ran along the road, not caring how wet I was and how heavy my dress felt. After that scene inside the house, my dad suddenly dashed off and I followed after him gripped by a deadly p
How My Life Was Ruined 107: The Past - X
I woke up to find myself in my familiar room.I raised my upper body. I felt sluggish and a bit feverish. With my heavy eyelids, I looked at the analog wall on the clock. The time was 6 in the evening.I got off my bed and made my way downstairs. I felt dizzy and I had to hold onto the guard railing as I went down.In the living room, there were two people sitting on the sofa. They were sitting side by side. In proximity. Close to each other. Their shoulders almost touching. The large T.V in the room was on and a news channel was broadcasting the news of a certain accident that had happened yesterday night.The female news reporter was on the scene, with a mic in her hand as she covered the news, “From police investigation, the statements from the eyewitnesses and the family members, it was a suicide.”“Suicide?” Hearing that word, I couldn’t keep my voice from leaking out.The two who were seated on the sofa with their backs to me turned around at once and looked at me in surprise. T
How My Life Was Ruined 108: The Past - XI
The days after that incident – after that tragedy – I don’t remember it that much. It was just a dark time I spent in my dark room with my curtains closed off and with no source of light inside.I just stayed in my bed for days with the blanket wrapped all over me like I was a delicate package to be handled with care. Which at that time, I was. Even the action of wrapping myself with a blanket was probably born out of a subconscious desire to protect myself. I was this close on the brink of collapsing after all. That blanket acted as a thin shell enveloping my broken soul, trying to heal my soul with its burning warmth.With that warmth, I tried to burn away the memories of that day. But I wasn’t able to. The memories I tried to suppress always found a way to crawl up my brain and heart coming off as an evil surprise every time. Even though I shouldn’t be surprised.This tormented me for the whole two weeks.Every time I tried to forget that tragedy ever happened, flashbacks of the ev
How My Life Was Ruined 109: The Past - XII
The very next day I put on my school uniform and went to school.Many shot me glances with different emotions and intent behind them at school. They all knew about what had happened after all. It even made it to national TV so no wonder the locals knew about it.But paying their eyes on me no heed, I sat at my seat and continued to act as usual. But the gloom somehow found its way to my face and students and teachers alike couldn’t help but worry.They gave me words of encouragement, comfort, and sympathy. I pretended that those words helped me a little and I was thankful for their concern. I smiled as usual. The fake smile I had become too used to.That day, the only one who didn’t offer me any words of condolence or sympathy was Hamasaki. I didn’t think too much about it back then but she probably had an inkling of the change in me. She was my childhood friend after all.After school was over, everyone either went home or went to their club activities. Only I remained in that classr
How My Life Was Ruined 110: The Past - XIII
I continued to indulge myself in sex with the aim of forgetting the pain. Though I knew it wasn’t possible. There was no way to forget all that completely – just a momentary relief before all the pain came crashing down to crush me. But even though I knew all that, I continued to break myself further and further, driving myself to the point of no return.I wonder – was that actually what I really wanted? Although I didn’t admit to it, in my subconscious maybe that was exactly what I had been wanting and wishing for. To break myself where I won’t be able to redeem myself – where I won’t be able to forgive myself – where I can just laugh it off saying that there’s nothing I can do anymore – where the only option I have left would be to die.I don’t know what day it was but I remember the sky was black and cloudy. It had seemed like it would rain any moment in the morning but it didn’t rain at all. The clouds were just hanging there – as if their only purpose that day was from preventing
How My Life Was Ruined 111: The Past - XIV
Word of my doings had spread far and wide.Everyone in the school knew about the horrible things I had done. There was not a single soul who was not aware of it.They started hating me. Despising me. Nothing was surprising about that. What was surprising was the fact that word of my deeds hadn’t gone out of the school. It was as if what happened inside the school was somehow restrained within the small school walls.That was strange. I knew that there were no orders given by the principal and the school side to keep the matters within the confines of the school. After all, no one talked about it at school. It had become a sort of taboo subject. And that was why even though there were no such impositions on talking about it, it hadn’t spread outside of school. It shouldn’t have been that unusual for even one of the students to share the incident with their family members or friend circle outside of school. The fact it hadn’t was baffling though that didn’t concern me at all.After the
How My Life Was Ruined 112: The Past - XV
When I first saw Hayami, I was stunned into a profound silence.That was just how beautiful she was. For me at least.Her long and lustrous raven hair that shone brightly reflecting the serene light of the cloudless night moon and her pair of red eyes that captivated the soul of any who witnessed her - she looked like a witch set out to steal my heart - which she did of course.She was beautiful but not without scars.Like the moon with dark spots, her face and the region around her neck had bruises. Without taking my eyes off of her, my feet carried me closer and closer to where she was standing solemnly as if pulled by a magnetic force.As I gazed upon her from up close, an intense emotion swirled in my heart."Ah, I want to break her." That was what escaped my mouth and how I truly felt.Like how a certain flower makes you feel to want to nip it.Like how a certain painting makes you want to mess it up.Like how a certain shape of icicles makes you want to shatter it to pieces.Se
How My Life Was Ruined 113: Reunion
When I opened my eyes, what first entered my sight was a white ceiling.I wonder how many times it has already been.That white ceiling and this white room - it was as if there was a connection between us.No, I am not talking about my connection with the hospital. I will get to it later.What I am referring to now is the color white.Opposites attract - maybe that is the reason why I always find myself surrounded by white. Because I represent the polar opposite of white - black.My whole existence can be summed up and represented by a patch of one color - that is black. Since I am black, maybe that is why I always found myself in places with white color as if attracted by some invisible force. Every time I see white around me, it emboldens the feeling in me that I don't belong to this space and that I am a blotch to the world. It doesn't make me sad. Actually, it makes me feel happy that I had been right from the beginning.Coming to the topic of hospitals - it seems my relationship
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