The Zenith System

Chapter 015

*********** TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm and Suicide. Consider yourself warned. ************

Zack hunches over in the corner of his room in Celeste’s apartment. He returned from the hospital yesterday and he hasn’t left his room since then. He is afraid to come across the loan sharks again. Thankfully, Celeste is too angry to request things from him.

He shifts his attention to the window, which is covered in blinds, not allowing any light to flicker inside his room — or Celeste’s room, since she is the one paying for the entire apartment.

“Useless,” he whispers in the darkness.

He already knows it. He is fucking useless, but Celeste should have been more gentle about it, even if it is true. How can she dismiss his struggles with such callous indifference? He is also her family. Besides, it is also partly her fault, right? And now, he has hurt her, too.

He scratches his head and hides his face. He doesn’t want to hurt her like that. He just wanted her to see his worth. That’s all he really wants, and he wasn’t able to stop himself from saying words he didn’t mean at all.

Like she said, he is fucking useless.

Then he remembers Mason. His hands clench into fists and his knuckles turn white. He hasn’t reached out to him lately, even when he sends him a message to initiate a conversation with him. He needs him now more than ever.

Zack hugs himself tighter as his imagination shifts to the thugs, their laughter echoing in his mind.

Someone knocks on the door and a voice calls, “Zack, I have chicken delivered,” she says in an indifferent tone. “Come out if you want to eat,” she orders.

It is Celeste. His eyes shift to his door and then to his drawers, where the razor he got from his last day of work at Quickfix lies hidden.

When Celeste moves away from his door, he walks towards the drawer, a glint in his eyes as he looks at the sharp blade.

Ha! He snorts. They would pay. They would all regret it!

His sisters who think that he’s useless, his parents who abandoned them, the loan sharks who are circling like vultures around him, the store manager who fired him for a mistake that wasn’t even his in the first place!

Then to Mason, who has forgotten him and continues to ignore him. Then to Celeste, for looking down at him... Each would receive their due, the guilt, the regret, he would make them feel it!

Then tears—hot and unbidden—streams down his cheeks. He kneels before the drawer and his sobs wrack his body. It feels like a dam that is breaking under the pressure of too many years spent in hopelessness.

“Please,” he gasps between gulps of air. “I can’t... I just can’t anymore.”

In the silence that follows, his spirit is breaking, so his eyes move to his phone instead. He holds it and dials the HELP hotline, the screen glows, which is a contrast to the darkness of his room. His fingers tremble as he brings the phone to his ear. He can feel the weight of it, heavy with the consequences of what he is about to do.

Then the line clicks, and an unfamiliar voice crackles through the speaker.

“Helpline, how can I assist you?” The words sound practiced, and it didn’t help to alleviate the heaviness in his chest.

“I’m going to do it.” Zack’s voice is a brittle whisper. “Because they all need to feel it—every last one of them.”

“Sir, can you please tell me your name? Let’s talk about this,” the operator answers.

“Zack,” he answers. “They need to know what they’ve done. Celeste... she’ll see she’s not too above me. Not when she finds me dead.”

“Zack, who is Celeste? She sounds as if she cares about you—”

“Shut up! You know nothing!” His anger flares, even if it sounds unreasonable. “And Mason... my so-called best friend. He needs to drown in guilt… for not speaking to me.”

“Betrayal is painful, but it doesn’t lessen your worth, Zack. Please, stay with me.”

“Then there’s the store manager, the pompous ass who fired me. He’ll realize he was wrong. Lastly…” Zack’s breath hitches, “…those loan sharks, laughing as they kick me down—they will get what’s coming to them. I won’t be hunted anymore.”

“Zack, we can find another way. Your—”

“I will kill myself,” he whispers into the receiver, his breaths coming in ragged gasps. For a moment, he is convinced that everything around him has stopped moving.

The operator’s voice takes on a more concerned tone. “Can you tell me your address?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Zack says bitterly. “No one cares about me, anyway.”

“That’s not true,” the operator replies gently. “There are people who care about you and want to help you.”

Zack scoffs, but there is no humor in it. “Like who? My family who abandoned me? My sisters who think they’re better off without me? My friend who has forgotten me? My cousin who tells me that I’m useless?”

“Surely, someone cares about you.”

“No! I will kill myself and then they will regret all the things they did and said to me!”

“If that’s what you think, then you still believe that they care about you.”

“No… No… No…”

“Please don’t do anything rash, okay? Someone will be over there to talk to you.”

“I don’t want that! You are just going to ask for payment!”

“That’s not true. It is for free.”

“You are just saying that!”

Zack refuses to listen. He hangs up. In the gloom of his room, he stands teetering on the brink of life and death. A cold resolve settles over him, the finality of his decision sinking in. Action, not words, will be his deliverance.

“Tonight, this useless life will end,” he whispers.

Celeste’s face swim on his head, her face twisting in disappointment. “You are destroying your life, Zack. You are becoming more useless than ever,” her image says.

“Loser boy,” the thugs jeer on his head. Their contempt and violence are palpable as the blood stains his lips.

And then, there’s the store manager at QuickFix, his eyes cold and dismissive. “You’re fired, Zack! Don’t bother coming back!”

He can’t keep going anymore. It’s the end for him, and he will make sure that everyone around him will feel the pain of his loss. And so, he presses the blade against his pulse.

“You don’t need to prove yourself anymore, Zack,” he whispers. “No one will laugh at you again because you cannot rise.”

Then he watches the blood drip from his open wound and onto the floor. He smirks. Celeste will be very mad about the mess. He just hopes she finds someone else to clean it up for her. Maybe that male nurse in that hospital.

And then, Zack starts to feel woozy, and he knows he will die soon but his heart feels numb. He just hopes that ‘loser’ and ‘worthless’ will have no place during his funeral.

Then his head hits the floor. There is a strange fog encroaching upon his senses. His world spins and he can hear some static somewhere.

“Damn it,” he mutters, the ground tilting beneath him as if he is about to be swallowed whole. “Is this how it feels like to die?”

And soon, as his thoughts scatter around like leaves on a storm, blackness swallows him whole.