The hell

2

The way back is not long, but allows time for the rain to completely soak up my clothes. Four floors without an elevator later, I open the door while silently watching my hands shake. The keys clash several times before I manage to extract the bunch from the lock. When I turn, I remain frozen for a moment, facing our apartment. No. My apartment. It's as if I saw him in a new light, without Adèle's reassuring presence. The kitchen to my left, overlooking the untidy living room. The two bedrooms adjoining each other. And the bathroom down the hall. 

I drop the keys in the bowl, at the entrance, and get rid of my clothes while contemplating the chocolate sofa. How many times did we end up there, when we no longer had the strength to drag ourselves to our rooms? When certain objects remind me too cruelly of her absence, I can't hold on any longer and flee down the hall. The door to my room slams behind me and I collapse to the floor, exhausted. My tears are flowing and torrenting, in a place where no one will see me cry. I didn't want to break down there, in front of all those people. I didn't want people to see my grief. My weakness.

Life is relentless and Morpheus seems to have pity on me, because he takes me in his arms for a few hours. When I wake up, my eyes are burning and my muscles tense to the extreme. I get up with difficulty from the floor, grumbling at the effort, and peek through the small window in the room. Dawn pushes its way through the night, bringing me brief relief. The brief lull between the terrifying night and the effervescent day has always been my friend, and offers me prompt comfort. Only, it's not enough, because sorrow, never being far away these last days, comes back to assail me with all its torments. Dragging into the kitchen with an idea in mind, I knock over the laundry basket and jostle a piece of furniture in the process. 

Grumbling at the darkness about to swallow me, I resolve to turn on the light bulb, before dropping myself in front of the cupboards of my choice. Opening it only takes me a second. Choose the bottle, a little more. It must be said that our stock is regularly replenished. We can run out of everything except alcohol in this barrack. With a mournful sneer, I think to myself that this will be the first drink in honor of Adele's death. My selection is finally on a whiskey which, as soon as it is opened, is drunk straight from the neck. Head thrown back, I get up and walk slowly towards the sofa, with the clear and clear idea of ​​getting drunk, until the shadows leave me in peace. Until rest envelops me and protects me from sorrow.

- Here I am at the bottom!

With a whole new energy, I jumped to my feet and, bottle still in hand, left to open the bay window overlooking our small balcony. I push aside the few plants that Adele managed to save from my clumsiness and lean against the balustrade, contemplating the void. The rain hasn't stopped, but I quickly forget it, abandoning my feelings to my lost mind.

- She had no right to leave like that, I mutter to the pigeons, which I hear on the roofs. She told me that we would stay together for eternity... You speak.

I groan again, swallow a few swigs of the burning amber in my throat, then shake my head, the tears obscuring both my sight and my mind.

- But I'm going to show her what it's like to lose... her friend. His sister.

The void calls me and whispers words to me that only I can hear. And his whispers end up convincing me. I swing one leg over the barrier, then the other quickly follows. Clinging to the railing, I bend my body as the wind blows my soaked clothes over my trembling limbs. A laugh escapes me and I shiver all the more as I embrace this hollow sound, already so far from life.

One of my hands slips away from the barrier and I raise one leg, ready for the big jump. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and, as my last fingers let go of the railing one by one...

- You won't do that, says a voice behind me.

I jump and almost fall under the surprise. As the storm rumbles overhead, I turn around, shaking more violently than before, and cling to the barrier with all my might. To face the appearance of a figure standing in the frame of the glass door. I go back to the right side of the railing and blink as I watch the woman walking towards me. As tall as I am, wheat-blonde hair and two sparkling sapphires almost knock my legs out.

- A... Adele? I stammered, tremolos in my voice.

His smile appears, obscuring everything around us. Stopping the world and its turmoil. Stopping the fall of tears from the sky to burst on my cheeks, in a thousand broken blades.

- I warned you that you couldn't get rid of me so easily.

I open my mouth and close it the next minute, unable to say a word. My hand pressed against my lips stifles the cry escaping from my bruised soul, mixing joy and incomprehension. I stumble as I walk towards her, determined to hug her. To touch her. To really realize that I just buried an empty urn. Only... I only encounter nothingness. Nearly breaking my face crossing Adèle, I gasp in surprise and horror as I turn towards the mirage. Arms raised in front of this ghost, I open my eyes wide in fear, in shock.

- What... what... What...

- Calm down, my dear...

- Can I calm down?! I repeated, giggling and crying all at the same time. How ! What is... I don't...

- Let me explain to you, Adele tells me, pointing to the sofa with a wave of her hand. You're not crazy, but please don't give me a panic attack. It's not like you don't know ghosts exist...

I collapse on the sofa and fixed Adele, unable to help but trip internally. It's not possible... She's dead . Dead, cremated and buried. I paid no one to bring her back to life, and her death, although tragic, can in no way explain her entry into the Betweenworld. And yet... there she is, in front of me, with her sad little smile. I saw his body on the road. I felt his deadly coldness as I touched his hand. That she's there... can only mean one thing.

- You're supposed to be in heaven, I remind him, wrapping my arms around me, as if to protect myself from my best friend.

She sighs and then sits down on the other side of the sofa, wisely placing her hands on her knees.

- In effect.

- But you're here. As a ghost.

- The more modern term is "Shadow", but... yes. I returned.

- Why ?

My eyes narrow as Adele pinches her skirt between outstretched fingers.

- Given all the bullshit that can be read on the internet, you must already suspect it. They have some truth, unfortunately. I am indeed dead, Satine, but in dramatic circumstances.

- It was an accident.1

Adele turns her head away for a brief moment before nodding without looking at me.

- The Ferryman gave me the opportunity to come back to you.

- The passer ? I repeated, raising a suspicious eyebrow. The angels didn't take you in?

- I never reached that stage. Death is... more complex than we thought, Satine. Much more complex. But all that matters for now is that the Ferryman gave me his prize. I can stay by your side, but for an established period. Time for you to put your foot back in the stirrup.

I watch him. A long time. Enough to loop over the least of his remarks. Enough to know his speech by heart. Then, a laugh shakes me, of an unparalleled violence, which jostles both my shoulders, and what remains of my heart locked in its cage of flesh and bones.

- Satin?

- Damn... That's really funny! I chuckled, on the edge of the abyss.

Adele stares at me without joining me in my hilarity, knowing me well enough to know that all of this is only temporary. And that tears will soon emerge, ready to drown my eyes in a sea of ​​tears. An ocean of destruction. The waves are coming, faster than I expected. Far too quickly for my liking, I sink onto the sofa, unable to control my sobs, only ready to endure every jolt for as long as the weather lasts.

- Why us, Adele? I let out between two tears. What did we do to deserve this fucking life?

A current of fresh air passes through me and I open my eyes again, without remembering to have closed them. Seeing Adele's face lose any emotion, I lower my head to follow her gaze and fall on her hand, piercing mine. A treacherous shiver escapes me, and my sister abruptly withdraws her token of support.

- I don't know, Satine, she ends up answering me, putting her attention on the coffee table, covered with magazines. My return is far from being a gift, I am well aware of that. And it has an expiration date. But... it's a blessing in disguise, a way to keep you from screwing up.

I calm down enough to try to refute his words. A simple look from him imposes silence on me. Within our relationship, Adèle has always been the most mature, the most serene... the most adult. We think we were born in the same year, and yet sometimes it seems like twenty years separate us. Like today. Like now.

- I miss you already, Adele...

His gaze softens and his phantom touch reappears on my shoulder.

- You too, sis. But do not lose sight of the essential, what we have always said to each other during hard times.

- Do not look back.

- Changes are never a bad thing, she adds, smiling kindly.

I get rid of his fickle grip and extract myself from the couch, totally sober. I walk into the living room, towards my bedroom, but can't help glancing at him. The last of this horrible day.

- Me, my life suited me perfectly. I didn't want any changes to our paradise... but I guess I have a ticket to my own personal hell.

Leaving her hurt, I abandon myself to my sadness between the narrow walls of my small room. Unable to retrace my words or my own steps, I end up sinking, imagining myself jumping with both feet into the void. And hit rock bottom. Unfortunately, the great silence does not last. And when I seem to have barely touched the ground, someone hits my eardrums in a familiar voice, but no less unpleasant.

- Satin! Wake up ! You're already late for work!

Unceremoniously, I am ejected from my sleep, while a terrible headache announces its arrival to me, with a lot of anvil blows making my cranium resonate. I groan as I search for a pillow to relieve myself of the cries coming at me with greater clarity as time goes by. Finding nothing to appease my torments, I end up opening one eye, glued by my night which has obviously turned out to be chaotic, and glare at the ominous magpie.

- Don't shout so loud, Adele! I scolded before sighing, I want to die...

- Don't say anything, and get up! replies back to me, my charming chief adjudicator.

I eye her, still nastily, but the bird of misfortune does not seem about to dry up her atrocious vocalizations.

- Move! Your boss is waiting for you!

- If you can call that a boss...

- I know that being a hotel concierge is far from complete, but it's perfect for buttering your spinach!

I listen with a distracted ear, stretching my full length under the duvet. I squint as I turn toward the tiny window in my bedroom and wonder about the blatant sensitivity in my eyes this morning. Alcohol seems to be the main culprit, even if my brain is far too loose for this memory of any moment of our evening.

- Satin! I won't tell you a third time! Adèle scolds me, raising her finger in my direction.

- It's ok, it's ok... I can't help it, we had a hard time last night... and I don't know how you're holding up, by the way!

Groaning under the effort, I extract my poor body from the mattress without looking at Adele. Focused on not wallowing among all the clothes strewn on the ground, I grope for my uniform, while mumbling under my breath and getting rid of my clothes.

- And as a reminder, I added more clearly, with my back turned, if I'm late, you obviously are! Can we know your new job, by the way? You must have told me about it yesterday, but you'll excuse me... It seems that I have a short memory this morning.

- Satin...

- No, but because you waved a rather interesting salary under my nose, which was going to be able to pay for the gas for your car and even put a little Swiss cheese on the famous spinach. Regal, isn't it?

- It doesn't matter anymore...

I let out a slight cry when I finally found my suit, which I put on quickly, trying at the same time to bend my head as little as possible. Inside my skull, a marching band has invited itself to have a blast. Then Adele's words penetrate my poor tired brain, setting my thinking in motion. One leg inside my pants, I turn to Adele, frowning.

- What ? Don't tell me you already got kicked out?

She doesn't answer me and knowing the adage “who doesn't say anything consents”... I heave a deep sigh.

- Adele! Damn, you're worse than me!

- I didn't lose it, she replies in a harsher voice. It's just that I can't work there anymore.

- Don't tell me there was a problem again!? I know your last boss deserved the slap I gave him, but... from what you told me, it was a great job! It was almost unexpected for a resume like yours! Or mine, for that matter...

- Satin! she interrupts, staring at me intently. Do you remember anything last night?

- Ba ... don't.

And as if I had opened a door in my mind, my memories come flooding back. The burial. The beverage. The void. And the appearance of Adele. Letting out a cry of surprise and dread, I take a step back and fall on my ass, without even realizing it. Eyes bulging, I stare at my friend and then realize something important. Her feet no longer touch the ground... and she levitates in the air, a few centimeters above the ground.

- Oh no ! I cried, meeting my friend's sorry gaze. No no !

I scream that word while grabbing my head in my sweaty palms. And I'm not the only one crying this morning, if I can believe Adele's sniffles, a few meters from me.

- I am so sorry ! she stammered, letting herself fall beside me, without making the slightest noise or the slightest draft. Satine, if you only knew how sorry I am! I didn't want to send you back in time... but I don't know what to do, how to behave in front of you. I love you and I don't want you to hate me for what I've become...

While crying, I try to slide my hand over his, forgetting that any contact is now impossible for us. My fingers cross it... and I become hysterical, jumping up.

- You didn't want to come back, you made me swear not to call on a Necromancer... And now you're a ghost! You don't belong there, you should have let me jump, you should have... You should...

- But I'm here ! Adele cuts me off, while henceforth weeping hot tears. Do you think it's easy for me? To no longer be able to take you in my arms to comfort you when I'm dying to? Feel nothing more, neither the wind, nor the heat, nor the cold! I'm fucking dead! And I'm here for you. So please, she finished in a barely audible whisper, don't push me away. I... I need you as much as you need me. Don't ask me to leave... Please. I'm sorry I scared you, but I... I need you.

His voice shatters something inside me and I fall back onto the bed, drained of all energy. I stare at her, still crying, and take a deep breath. Only my breath echoes in the room for several minutes. Long minutes, enough to take stock.

"Don't be sorry," I finally whispered, trying to fight back my tears. You know very well that I love you and will always love you... in any form. You just have to give me time to understand and to accept... to accept what is happening.

- Yes... yes, of course... But promise me that you won't try to join me! she exclaims, scrutinizing me with her beautiful wet blue eyes. 

- I promise you, I say, still in the same tone.

She smiled at me oddly, with a cracked smile in places and I did the same. The situation is very strange and the discrepancy could almost make me snort with laughter. I'm talking to my dead friend and I'm having a headache from hell. But I smile at her, because the main thing is that she's there. With me.