Aliena Numina

3 - Desert

                                                                             

It was like I was left to burn in a boiler full of fire. It was like steam was rising on my face and I was getting drier and drier. Two burning stoves in my eyes and firewood on my cheeks burned me like I'd gone to hell. My hands were burning like they were on fire on the hot sand. Every time I turned my head, the stoves that were burning in my eyes were moving. My back was sweating and clinging to my clothes like I was in hot water on a toasted stone. The heat was rising in me like a volcano.

Even though I was struggling to open my eyes, I couldn't see anything. When I thought I was blind and touched my eyes in that panic for that, I realized they were closed. This fear began to go away rapidly while I tried to open them again with a new strength.                               

It was like a murky world. I held my head still and waited for the scene to come back. A cloudless blue-red sky and a large, angry, red Sun…                                                       

The air rising from the yellow-and-white sands seemed to point to a deserted ocean ahead. Or maybe there was really an ocean in the coolness up ahead. The overwhelming heat knocked me out, made me like a reptile.          

And I couldn't go to that sea.                                     

I could only gather all my strength and turn away. It was like the flames didn't go away on my face, which was still very hot. This time, a heat like from bricks was touching my face from the sand. I put my hands together on my forehead and stayed there for a while. My mind was a mess. Maybe I was out of my mind after all.

It was time to wake up from this horrible nightmare. With all the energy I've gathered, I thought it was time to get back to real life. I lifted my torso by pushing my hands into the hot sands. I was completely out of strength.                                                                

When I looked up and looked around, it was like I was in an even worse dream. This was supposed to be a nightmare. Dream in dream… Nightmare in a nightmare…                       

This time, I touched my face with my hands as if I wanted to wake up. My hot cheeks like fire, when my hands touched, it was like I was faced with cold water. As my fingers hovered over my face, my mind came back and the weakness in my body was replaced by pain, I realized that reality was just as bad as a dream.        

You run out of air in the water and you want to get to the surface as soon as possible. There's air just up there. You start swimming up with all your strength. In fact, that path, known as just above, leads you to an even worse predicament. The strength in your arms is gone, and your struggles are at your fingertips only. There is no more energy in your body. A moment facing death…

And life goes out of your hands. That is where you try to die breathlessly under those stuffy waters. Because what you breathe is only salt water, and your lungs give you a torment from pain.

That was exactly my situation.                      

And all this was too complicated and incomprehensible to be true. Because that wouldn’t really happen. In reality, everything would be clear enough to be explained logically. Even if not everything was really known, it could be explained. But here, in this world of delusions, the truth seemed even more deceptive than the deceptions in the mirrors. The truth was dust and ice between illusions or reflections.                                     

The bodies I saw looking around, distraught, scared the hell out of me. Everyone was like a city that was obsolete left in the postwar years…

 Old, paled dressed as if they belonged to someone long time ago, time seemed to have lost its concept in this view I saw.           

Jason was lying in the distance, unconscious. Just behind him was Simon, and a little further back, Roder, half his body above Marcus, lay dead with a severed belt on his hands. A little ahead of him, Esme and Kate lay like bodies in the sand in dresses that used to be black but now stay in the sun for years and had turned gray. On my left, Nina was unconscious on her back in sun-drenched clothes.                                                    

When I looked at myself, I saw that the colors of my clothes had faded and were completely obsoleting. If there's one thing solid, it was the consuming power that made all these. And all that was left was plastic or herbal supplies. Especially all the metal stuff was gone. It was like we've been left here to rot for decades. We just had the same bodies. We were like new ones in the old clothes. And despite our same versions, the old things had surrounded us.

Something had happened and we had come from one place to another. From a place of storms, snow, cold to a place of sun, warmth and deserts…

I ran to Marcus first without needing to think any more. It must have been the oldest bond that he and I had that triggered me to wake him up first. Or I was hoping Marcus would wake up because I sensed something I was afraid to explain to myself. No matter what, Marcus was better than me at leading anything and he knew how to be in control or what he had to do now. Maybe that's why I wanted to wake him up first before even touching Jason or Simon. They would freak out when seeing a place like this after what we have been through.                                             

I got up with a feeling that there was a severe pain in my lower back. The world slipped under my feet once. I barely could stay stood. My brain informed me that the ground was vertical by lying on its side, but I didn't believe it. I just stood there. After waiting for a while, the ground became horizontal. I looked away ignoring the pain in my head, and checked this desolate world surrounded by angry sand. I wasn't sure what was going on. But somehow, we were here, and I wanted to make sure everyone was okay first of all. That's why I tried to move forward. As my feet moved through the hot sands, I noticed Nina’s moving. Even though I felt like I was going to change my direction to her first, I didn’t. Marcus had guilt in his intermittent eyes, and the idea that he seemed to need more help deterred me from thinking about going to Nina. I walked past her with a feeling of hurt in my heart for this. As soon as I got to Marcus, Roder moved as well. It was like a new hope. Everyone was alive. Everyone was alive somehow. That gave me strength. Despite the hot temperatures, I felt better.

                                                       ------

We were already together a few minutes later. We should have been unconscious for hours. No one knew how long we'd been out here. We all changed colors in our skins in the hot sun, but we were fine. The indecision on our faces was forcing us to make decisions. That's why no one really talked about how they felt.

Soon there was a strange joy and comfort in us, without much discussion and because we were alive in terms of how we felt. I don't know where or how this came from. All I knew was that this feeling came out of nowhere, and somehow it engulfed us all simultaneously. Simon looked at me and smiled big. I loved the way he looked. I always felt happy to see him wherever he was. Either way, the people around him would feel more cheerful.

Jason looked around in a reckless manner. He was the first one who had disappeared in the cave, but when we woke up, we were all together. We were brought in this place like garbage and left here, but that still didn't look bad. At least, when I was looking at Jason's face, I didn't have that feeling.

Kate looked at Roder and winked with hope. Roder seemed to enjoy it, looking at her first and then at me. He smiled widely ignoring this hot place. He had a feeling of shame on his face like I knew something, but then it just went away. I didn't even know why he acted like this.

Marcus put one hand through his slender waist as if he wanted to help Esme get up. His muscular body and athletic build made you distinguish him in every way before realizing other ways he looked. Esme looked around as if she enjoyed his help. Her black hair was mixed and waving down. It seemed neglected. But I knew she didn't care about that right now.

I looked at Nina standing next to me. She seemed very happy to me after all. She looked me in the eye with hope and to be honest, her brown eyes looked beautiful in the reddish weather. Her hair was still tied in a ponytail. She had a brightness on her skin. Which made it look like she'd just had a bath and still had a blush on her face. Looking like this, she woke up some deep and joyful feelings in my soul. She was like the sweetest thing in this desert world.

                                                                                                                                                         -------

                                                                                                                                          

At first, I thought the only problem was where we were. But if we didn't find water and food soon, that's when the problems would arise. Because we've all had less water from the beginning. When it was winter and there was snow everywhere, water wasn't much of a problem. Food problem was also something we had to deal with soon. After the disappearing metals, the remains of the canned goods in our old and crumbling bags were mixed with old plastic and other items, somehow had decomposed like a hundred years ago. There was a very bad smell left in hour almost rotted bags. That's why no one took their bags except for a few items. We started to walk without stopping more. But looking back now, I had this idea that maybe we could go back there and find something else that was possible to find. But I also knew we wouldn't find much in our bags for a place like this. The feeling was just deceptive.              

We were pointlessly in a sand cauldron that stretched out in white. The hot beams of the sun that stretched our shadows throughout the day had made this place like hell. Our thick, worn snowshoes protected our feet from the burning sands like flames, but they were warm as a boiling cauldron at the same time.                                                                                       

In this depth of the desert, which had surrendered all over us, we were like a drop in the ocean. My body, which was struggling to keep up with the sudden temperature change, and my eyes, which I had difficulty opening due to the lights of the shining sun, kept me from thinking about exactly what was going on.      

Trying to move forward by rubbing her feet against the soft, temperature-rising sands, Nina accelerated a little and approached me. The pearl like sweats on her forehead made her look tired. Reflecting a chestnut brown hue, her hair was waving and falling down on her shoulders. Before long, I looked at her as if she'd just noticed that she'd let her hair down. For a brief moment, I felt like I resented her being in more pain than I was in.

"Come close." I said to her. I put her left hand over my shoulder and grabbed her waist with my right hand. She was thin and attractive. I had a tremor like I was under static electrification the moment I did that. Her warm, soft hand affected me just like her body. I felt so weird in this desert. What was that feeling that I never felt for her before? But in a way, I liked it. It seemed scary but exciting at the same time.                                                                         

"How long are we going to walk?" She asked as she tried to walk.              

"I have no idea. It's almost evening. Maybe we'll go better in coolness." I replied as I tried to keep my feet in balance with her feet so this would help her walk better and easier.                       

"It would help if we saw the stars." Kate said as she walked alongside with Roder. Marcus and Esme were walking in front, and the distance between us was getting bigger. Jason and Simon were whispering between them at the back. Simon was putting his hands down and up like he was explaining something.                                                                                                  

When we entered the shade of a large sand hill, we were touched by cooler air. I knew instantly that Nina was relaxed. She didn’t like the sun as I didn’t. I hated the bright lights that were always so blinding. She must have been feeling the same.   

"It smells like palm trees." She said later. Her left hand was still on my left hand, on my shoulder. There was a good feeling coming from her to my body. I'd been noticing that for a while now.                                                

"You kidding?" I said, staring at the zigzag mini dunes that stretched dry and desolate. There was nothing resembling palm tress at all.                                                                          

"No, I'm serious! I felt that way for a moment."                                                                   

"Maybe it's the heat that plays with your senses."                                                                 

"I know what I smelled!" She said, as if offended that I didn’t believe her.

"Oh, wait! Are you mad at me?" I asked. I felt like to make her happy. Actually, that sounded funny. I'd never tried anything like this before. I always cared about her, and even when I visited her sometimes, I always kept respecting her. Because she was the same to me, too. She was always respectful and would never get angry for such things. But now she was angry?

"I don't want to get angry, but if you insist, I might!" She smiled            

"Did you know you're cute when you're angry?" I said. I had no idea why I said that. It just came up out of nowhere. I felt my heart beating faster.                                                

"Is that a compliment?                                                                                              

"I don't know. You look cuter when you make that angry face."              

"So, what? Should I get angry now?"                                                                        

"If that makes you happy, I can get a little insult." I said.                                        

"Forget it!" She said with a smile again. She looked deeply and seemed to say something, but then she gave up right away.

"That makes you beautiful as well." I said this time. All of a sudden, I was in the dilemma of whether or not to go on any longer. I smiled as if I wanted to stop the desert from playing any more games because I wasn’t acting myself. I felt like there was something else in me that pushed me to say these things.

"I could do this, but I'm tired." She said, turning her head and looking ahead.                                                                                                                                                                       

                                                         --------

On the left, the sun, which had become a fireball, was increasing our love for the sand hill. On the right, the sand lines that stretched like crumpled paper resembled a choppy sea.       

"I'm so thirsty." Nina said, slowing down. It hasn't even been ten minutes since we drank our last water. But we all had lost a lot of water and our bodies were forcing us to drink more water.

"Me too." I said. "I feel like I haven't had drunken water for days." 

"What do Marcus and Esme think they're doing?" complained Kate, looking at them.

"I have no idea." Roder said when he turned his head towards them.              

Marcus had started looking around over the hill that run along the shadow. Esme seemed to be looking further away. Marcus desperately lowered his hand on his forehead to cast a shadow. Even from afar, there were signs of despair in their behaviors. Esme approached him and hugged him. He was whispering something, but I could already feel what she was saying. Even in the most difficult times, Esme would never leave him alone. In such situations, they both always stood close together. This was probably the same things she was whispering to encourage him.

"I guess we still don't have a definite way to go." Roder said, looking at Kate.         

"We can't stay here." Kate said in a tired voice.                                

"I think we should be in Egypt or something." Simon shouted from the distance after a long time.

"That's what I think." Kate said. "The sand is very light. But this vast hole seems to never end. That breaks all my ideas."

"Did you feel it?" shouted Nina suddenly.                                        

"What?" I asked, baffled.                                                                  

"The tremor!"                                                                                                

"Tremor?"                                                                                                                  

"Yes!" She said.                                                                                                                  

"Yes, I felt it too!" said Kate excitedly.                                                        

"It was like a big drill that pierced the soil." Said Nina.                                           

"Here?" asked Roder, anxiously and curious.                       

"Yes!" Kate and Nina both answered at the same time.                                

I didn't feel anything, but I kept looking around in awe of the two of them. On the right side, the same flatness was still going on, leaving high bumps ahead. On the left, there was nothing but a hill that was about to end. I turned my head pointlessly, and that's when I noticed a shadow floating in the air. It took all my tiredness out of nowhere. If there was a creature in this dune, it could have meant that there might be a nearby settlement.

I quickly started climbing the hill as if I had found strength again. Although the horizontal lights of the sun blinded my eyes, dirty air near the ground partially prevented it. I looked at it like I was intrigued out of nowhere. It was the first time I saw such a thing in a desert.                                   

The dunes that continued to curl merged with the sky on the horizon and formed a mirage. The moving air was indicating a sea that was moving ahead. It was foggy and humid. The thought that it was really a sea, deep in my brain, knowing it was a mirage, grew involuntarily.                                                                                     

The shadow quickly shrank and merged with the sand into a pit. I started looking around fast. I was running erratic and tired like a little boy chasing the sun. The hot air that touched my face made my mouth drier.               

Just as I was close to the pit, I stopped so I didn't scare whatever it was. A very low tremor swept through some of the sand. I was excited and my heart was beating fast. I was 100% sure it happened in a narrow space. Knowing we weren't alone somehow gave both fear and hope at the same time.                                                    

But when I got to the pit, I was completely disappointed.

It was empty.             

My hands fell on my side and I started falling face down. It was like time had slowed down. I almost ran out of strength to stop it. I felt like I was just waiting for my face to meet the hot sand by falling.                                                                                                            

There was something else. The bewilderment once again circulated throughout my body like an animal taken from its wild environment, and it began to bring me to a new strength.

The sand was cold as if the it had just come out of the ice, and it was flowing down. The pit was moving at the bottom, emptying somewhere. It was swallowing everything up like a swamp. I screamed as loud as I could. I started digging without knowing if it was dangerous.          

Seven people approached in amazement and excitement. I felt as strong as a desert animal digging through the sand.                                                                     

"What is it, Ed? What did you see?" asked Marcus, gasping for air.                                    

"Something… It was flying, and then it came in here." I took my breath in. "I followed it here. Look!" I continued, digging through the sand.                                 

"Are you sure?" asked Roder. I kept digging ignoring him.             

"It must be spilling down. There's something here!" My voice was still excited.                    

"Are you sure?" he asked once again.                                                           

"Touch it!" I said. This set them all in motion.                                             

"It's so cold!" said Esme rubbing her face against the sand. "Very cool, very nice! Oh!"   

My hands were cold. I looked at Nina, who still hasn't done anything.                    

"Look!" I said excitedly as I held her hand. She was stunned by the coldness of my hand, but she still didn't want to go into the pit. When I saw sand raining down on us, I realized I was still holding her hand stood still in that moment. She seemed to be liking this though.             

"What do you think you're doing?" She yelled at Simon and Jason when she noticed the sands falling on us. As she shook her head quickly, the sand that fell on her scattered around.   

"There's got to be something here!" Simon said as he continued to dig through the sand.    

"Stop." Marcus said, pointing out that the sands they dug were filling up again in the pit.

"I guess you're right." Jason said as he looked up at us. That made Simon gave it up, too.

We started walking north again. The scorching heat started to replace by cooler air, but the thirst was turning into an increasing nuisance. When I was holding Nina's hand and trying to help her, I thought somewhere inside me that this was a test. But I didn't know what kind of test it was. Maybe I wasn't thinking straight because of the thirst.                                                                                                        

"Even if it was exciting at first, but I don't like it anymore. I wish we'd gone back to that cave." Nina whispered in a pale voice. It started to feel like it wasn’t going to happen anymore It was like we were in a moment that had changed forever.                                                

"Don't worry, we'll make it. You'll see, this thing is going to change the world. Maybe we went through something no one else knew about. I think it's still exciting." I said, excited and then I speeded up.

Could that be true?                                                                

"Slow down!" She complained. That's when I realized I was getting lost in my inner childish world again. I thought I was being very rude. I stopped like I was sorry. It was as if the desert was getting bigger and smaller with this move. My senses and inner feelings seemed to be mixed and dealt with something that wasn’t there before. But I wasn’t sure. I was thirsty and my mind was probably playing games with me.                                                      

I felt like I was going through a painful evening that was collapsing. The thirst was really pushing my logic. I started walking again, not knowing what to do. My eyes scanned the horizon once again involuntarily. And once again, my body was filled with excitement. It was like I was exhausted and reinvigorated at the same time. Was this a game of the desert? Or was my brain going crazy? Because what I saw was something that I had no idea I would see.