An angel’s road to hell

13. Of mistakes, crucibles and a little bit of change

Mordred Pendragon

Writhing around in pain, needle-like shards of ice and glass cut my skin to the bone. One question haunted my mind: how could it have come to this? Everything had been fine, great in fact. I had concealed my growing desires from the emperor and even devised a way to extract Cassandra’s core and bind it to my own soul. All I had needed was a spark of transcendent energy to power the ritual. I hadn’t been able to extract any from Casandra herself, all my spells had failed to connect to her. I had come to know that Greta was able to heal and influence her with her blood as a focus, but I had had no clue how that worked. Maybe it had been a soul-technique I wasn’t aware of?

I had needed another source and the only one I had known of was the demon consorting with the emperor, the lord of mirrors, Amazeroth. So I had devised a way to get my hand on a tiny spark of his energy. I had tried to manipulate the infernal duo and had fed them with an ingenious idea. Using the already established connections from when Peter Furglow and his wife had been under their control, we had slowly started to infiltrate the second palace and brand the upper echelons with sigils. Unfortunately we couldn’t bind my family directly as it was more than probable that Greta would have been able to feel the mark on their souls and she was in regular contact with my kin.

So we had picked the second family, the grudge they held against Cassandra for the death of their patriarch had made them very susceptible to our idea. I had told the emperor that we would use an old law to force Cassandra into a duel with one of our puppets, who would channel a part of Amazeroth during the fight and thus the demon would have access to her while nobody could interfere. What I had “forgotten” to mention was that I had learned quite a lot about my little sister and her maid and there was no way in hell Ahri would let her fight. I also had gathered that Cassandra was easily triggered if people close to her were in danger. I had expected Ahri to answer the challenge, get badly hurt and for Cassandra to intervene and blow Amazeroth’s vessel to smithereens. Worst case scenario: Cassandra wouldn’t have been able to overcome the barrier around the trial grounds, Ahri would have died and Amazeroth would be left with a useless corpse. If Cassandra was able to enter the cage, I had been decently sure she would have been able to deal with anything Amazeroth could dish out trough a vessel. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t wanted Ahri to die, I had come to enjoy her company as well as Cassandra’s. But to fight for something meant to sacrifice something. If that had to be my sister or her maid, so it would be.

Things had gone smoothly, maybe I had been a little surprised by how much damage Amazeroth had been able to inflict on my little sister, until the very end. Cassandra had burned the soul and severed Amazeroth anchor. His energies had been freed and tried to return to his body. And that had been where I intervened. Using a cleverly designed enchantment I had placed on my sword, I had siphoned off some of Boseiju’s power to cage a small part of the escaping essence. And everything had gone to shit.

I had seriously miscalculated and forgotten to include Boseiju and the rules of the stupid trial. The goddamn tree had tried to judge my sister for interference and channeled all his life force into a burn-spell. Unfortunately that had made my ongoing enchantments powerless and the essence I had caught had been able to break free.

Only a moment later, my mind had been yanked from my body and I had found myself in the current situation.

My mind, and from the degree of agony I was suffering probably also my soul, was caught in a world full of ice and glass. Every surface was reflective, every edge sharp and deadly. Cold permeated the air and nothing moved, frozen solid and held in place. Even though I knew it was all in my head, it felt real. I couldn’t move, but all my sense worked just fine. The cold invaded my nose and froze the very breath in my lungs. My eyes slowly gazed over with icy crystals and my skin felt like it was covered in acid. My muscles started cramping and every twitch I made drove razor sharp shards deeper into my body. I had promised myself I’d fight for what was mine but it seemed my road had come to an end.

But I wouldn’t die whimpering on the ground! My access to any form of energy had been cut when I had been forced out of my body but if they had taken my soul along, maybe I could channel some of its powers through my mind. I would probably burn some memories along the way but that was a price I didn’t mind at the moment. I stilled my body and welcomed the pain, if my conjecture had been accurate and this was indeed a torment of the mind and soul, I should be able to follow the tendrils of agony deep down towards mine.

At first I only felt lost and my mind scramble under the onslaught. For a second I lost my sense of self and nearly drowned in despair and cold sorrow. I struggled and fought but all my darkest moments were dragged to the fore. I relived my sense of loss and inferiority when my sister had been born, I rewatched me learning the lessons about trust, cruelty and deceit I endured during my travels. And I remembered all the moments of self-doubt I had suffered through while I had spent time with Ahri and Cassandra: Was this really my path, stealing from my own to gather more power, hurting people how cared about me, whom I cared about? No, I made a choice. My path to greatness would go through whatever or whomever was in my way. People were tools and couldn’t be trusted. But, was this a world I wanted to live in? Wouldn’t I reach the end of my path and realise I had sacrificed everything that had made it worth?

I was cast back into those vicious cycles and my psyche couldn’t differentiate anymore between what was happening and what memories were used to torture me. While my body slowly iced over, my mind and soul were torn to shreds, squashed between every dark emotion I had ever been forced to live through. I felt them all, saw them in the mirrors, heard them in my mind. I was a failure, too weak to accept my lot in life and ready to cast away all decency for a shot a greatness. I had to fail, I was the villain, this frozen tomb was my rightful lot.

Whatever magic ran through this cursed place prevented me from forming even a shred of courage, a hint of pride. All I had were my darkest fears and they slowly devoured my will to live, to fight. My mind was filled with images of my family sneering at me, ignoring me, my parents who had always preferred their firstborn and then their little princess, Arthur who had always been so superior, so perfect. And my little sister, who had… and I came up short.

The magic around me stuttered as I remembered all those afternoons I had spent with my little sister and Ahri, but instead of guilt and self loathing at what I planned, I remembered teaching Cassy how to read, running after her with Ahri and simply enjoying a bright day with two friends. I remembered them laughing at a stupid joke I had made and the feeling of warmth that had spread through my body. That feeling was my salvation, I felt it again, coursing through my mind and I felt its source. Something deep down, something I had only ever been able to manipulate or channel through my body but never felt the way I did now. I found my soul, nestled deep within my mind and its power flooded through me, counteracting the cold and rekindling my fighting spirit.

I unfurled from my fetal position and slowly stood up, ignoring the frozen cuts and frostbites all over me. I felt memories burning bit by bit, consumed as fuel for my soul as I lacked a body and life force. Slowly details about people I cared about became blurry and ultimately vanished into nothingness. The good and the bad, all was used as fuel for my soul, but I got to my feet with a gleaming spark of hope in my eyes.

The world around me hadn’t changed, but I could concentrate and take it in completely for the first time. Unfortunately there wasn’t much to see. The mirrors and reflective shards of ice in my immediate proximity, reflecting my distorted visage, continued on to the horizon, a frozen hell haunted by the images of its weary prisoner. I had some experience with mind and soul magic, so I could guess what had happened. As soon as I had lost control of Amazeroth’s energy, it had returned to its master and he had found out what I had tried to do. Following the path of his energies back to me, he had hijacked every part that had come into contact with it, namely my mind and soul which I had used to guide Boseiju’s energies into my enchantments. The demon had dropped those parts into a small pocket dimension, one of his own design where he was in complete control. To leave I would have to break it, or rather the laws that governed it. The other option would be to kill its creator, which sounded really tempting but in here it was probably impossible. I also expected him to appear at any second, now that I was not on the verge of death anymore. Amazeroth had probably been paying close attention to me, relishing in my suffering and now that his entertainment was back on his feet, he would dish out punishment in the good old fashioned way. At least that was what I would do.

“You misunderstand, this has never been entertainment, nor punishment. This is a lesson.”

One of my faces had spoken. It was frozen in a silent scream, a burning village behind. I remembered the scene, marauders had attacked while I stayed there during my travels and I had buried one of the first people I would call a friend.

Another one, me when I had been beaten by Arthur in the first fighting competition I had ever partaken in, continued: “a lessons you need to learn. You are twisted. A broken little man with ambitions far surpassing his talents. You are not on your way to greatness.”

A third one, my face when I found out that Arthur was going to marry my first love, finished: “you are on your way to become a tool.”

“Or did you really think a being as old as the emperor wouldn’t plan for the possibility you might betray him when you are ready to sacrifice your own flesh and blood for a glimpse of borrowed power and as revenge for perceived injustices? You are not as special as you make yourself out to be, Mordred Pendragon.” A figured emerged between the mirrors, it’s form flowed together from all of the reflections. A gaunt silhouette, a little taller than me and clad in a white cloak slowly approached me. Runes covered the cloak and its hands were hidden within long sleeves. The cloak was closed in front, but instead of buttons, polished disks of bronze held it together. They were highly reflective but I couldn’t see myself, but instead, dark shadows and swirling lights danced within, prior victims of the lord of mirrors. Its face was hidden beneath its hood, but I knew I would find a polished mask underneath. As the legend went, one glance at your reflection on the mask would forever imprison you inside. I came face to face with Amazeroth, lord of mirrors, master of forbidden knowledge and 113th demon in existence.

“But I can change that.” He stood before me, and even though he didn’t tower over me, I felt insignificant, the same way I had felt when Cassy had killed the Furglows. While I thought about it, that memory burned away into oblivion. I didn’t have time to play around. I was still breathing so he probably wanted something. Fighting wasn’t a real option but maybe I could bargain.

“Lord of mirrors, I can’t survive long in your domain, I’m burning through my memories to even talk to you. So please tell me, what do you offer and how do I pay?”

“I want your complete and utter trust. I want you to allow me to change a part of your soul and your mind without resisting me and I want a binding oath that you will do everything in your power to prevent any form of attack on me. In exchange I’m going to tell you why and provide you with a speck of transcendent energy to do with as you please. I will also release you from this place and convince the emperor that you have perished during your failed ritual. If you don’t agree I’ll turn your soul into ice and imprison your mind in these mirrors here.” There really wasn’t much of a choice. With as much of a bow as I could manage with my aching joints I said: “I humbly accept your terms, great Amazeroth.” When I looked back up, he had removed his hood and I stared into the reflection of my panicked eyes.

I could barely cling to the hilt of my sword, still stuck in Boseiju’s bark. My enchantments had held, despite the lack of life force. A small speck of transcendent energy flowed through the black diamond set into the middle of the cross guard. I was slightly dizzy, I had even lost consciousness for a second when my prize had traveled through my enchantments and the strain had become too much. But it had been worth it! I had caught a speck of Amazeroth! With this, I could finally close the portal to the empire and put that threat to rest.

I had come across the portal on a deserted island far to the west. I had been on my way back home. I had left to come to terms with my new role as a middle child, born between a brilliant and self-sacrificing older brother and a gifted and beautiful younger sister. I hadn’t been very successful, quite the contrary, the cruelty of people had left me deeply scarred, until I came across a heavily damaged airship in the middle of nowhere in between islands. The helm had been blown off and I had thought everyone aboard dead, but I had checked nevertheless and had stumbled across an elderly human, dehydrated and injured.

Over the next few days I had nursed him back to health and he had rewarded me with stories of his long, colourful live. I had learned a lot, but the most important lesson was simple: meaning in live doesn’t come from fighting. It comes from our care and appreciation of who we are and who we want to be. He had used the example of a good friend I had found during my travels and lost in an arbitrary raid: meaning had come from the time I had spent with him and from the way he had changed my point of view. I had come closer to the person I wanted to be while I had been around him. I had been wrong in focusing on my loss, people can be arrogant, cruel and greedy, bad things happen. No matter who we are we won’t be able to prevent it. Living is dealing with pain and meaning comes from going on and becoming a better person despite everything that can happen.

At the time I hadn’t fully appreciated what he had told me. But a few days later, after I had left him at a human kingdom, I had understood what he meant.

I had been blown off course and had been forced to land on an island covered in bones. In the middle a giant dark portal had loomed. As I had set foot on the island, a trap had activated and I had made the acquaintance of the emperor. A monster, wearing a human mask, that ruled a continent far to the west. He had cracked my mind open like a nut and had feasted on my memories. Through our connection I had gotten a glimpse at the atrocities he had committed in his country and the depths of depravity he had resorted to to stay in power. He had been the incarnation of everything that was wrong with the world and this abomination had become interested in my family after watching my memories. He had played on my insecurities and tried to win me over.

I hadn’t been able to do anything but play along at that moment, but as soon as I had returned, I had started to devise a plan. I would use the emperor’s own scheme to get the power I needed to close the portal for good.

And now that I had gotten it, I needed help. Cassy’s help.