An angel’s road to hell

31. Of the past, the present and a little bit of symbiosis (3)

Ahri Arete

I felt like a twig, rushed along a powerful current, darkness all around. From time to time bubbles of light crossed my vision, I could see blurry images within, sometimes moving sometimes static, but never clear enough to glean their meaning. I was lost in a torrent of memories that drowned me, there were simply too many and I couldn’t process, couldn’t understand what was happening. I tried to fight, to cling on to the things that were the most important to me, the faces of all the people I held dear, my fondest memories of home, the smell of pines and cherries and the taste of the sun but it wasn’t enough. My foundations, the very core of my being was slowly eroded and I became part of the current, aimlessly drifting along, a clear reflection of everything around me. I thought I was gone, reduced to another tiny speck of memories, insignificant in comparison to everything around me.

With a last defiant exertion of will I tried to focus on the two people who had been the most important to me. I tried to recall Emilia’s face and Cassy’s, if anything of me should remain, I wanted it to be the impressions they left me with, their laughter and their companionship. I pictured them side by side, their similarities and their differences and what they meant to me. At first I thought I wouldn’t even be able to hang on to them but the more I tried the clearer the image became in my mind until I suddenly wasn’t alone anymore. Two young kitsune stood by my side, both grinning mischievously. They reached for me, their hands only a few centimetres away, but I couldn’t get myself to move. Even though I didn’t see it anymore, I still felt like I was dragged along a violent river, each part of my body crushed under forces much too strong to tame or fight against. “Help me.” I whispered and they did what I could not.

They grabbed both my hands, pulled me upright and just like that the pressure vanished. I could breath freely once again, I was shaken to the bone but I was still me, tears of joy streamed from my eyes. I wanted to thank them, tell them what they had done for me but when my vision cleared I was alone again. Although the scenery hadn’t changed and I still rushed through a dark tunnel filled with scenes from another’s life they didn’t suffocate me anymore and I was able to discern the different episodes. It was like a series of pictures on the wall but every time I focused on one, I wouldn’t see the image but rather remember how I had painted it and relive the emotions that had driven me to take up the brush.

My mind calmed and for the first time I realised that everything around was a conglomerate of these pictures and wherever they blurred together darkness obscured the details. The current I had felt was the result of me drifting towards the few clear images, passing by innumerable distorted scenes, overloaded with so much information, emotion and memories I had lost myself within. Now I could clearly make out three different specks of light, beckoning me to listen, to live through them once again. I had no idea how I could get out of this dreamworld so I followed along, allowing the stream of images to guide me to the memories it wanted me to see. To my surprise, I didn’t move but as soon as I ceased my struggle, the world around me lit up and it felt like I was falling through a long chute until I resettled in a body I knew not to be mine.

I opened my eyes, or rather Aurora’s eyes, and gazed upon a scene of utter destruction.

I knew this place. What had used to be green fields, verdant forests and sparkling rivers had been reduced to ash and craters. Barren stone and broken earth were the only things left of marvellous cities and sky-high towers. Not even weeds managed to grow where once animal and sentient life had flourished. Tears came to my eyes and I dropped down on my knees. I had had friends here, places I had loved to visit. By all that’s holy, Ezekiel hadn’t exaggerated, the devastation was absolute.

I recalled the outpour of transcendent energy I had felt not long ago and the seismic waves it had sent through the cosmos. I had been perplexed and had expected a conflict with the demons to occur somewhere in the far reaches of the cosmos but I hadn’t been prepared for a dead planet I would have liked to call home when I had tracked it to its source. I knew the dominant species had experimented with strange technologies and dangerous magics, but that was to be expected of a star faring civilisation. I would never have imagined them to kill of their home within the few short centuries I hadn’t visited. How was this possible? How could they even gather transcendent energies? It shouldn’t be possible. Did I leave something behind on one of my previous visits?

I felt a displacement of air behind me and heard a deep soothing voice: “I’m sorry, so terribly sorry.” Lucifer had appeared behind me but I didn’t have the strength to get up and turn around.

“What for? You always told me it’s dangerous to get too close to mortals and now I finally understand why.”

“That’s a lesson I never wished for you to learn. Everything ends but we endure, it’s a cruel twist of fate that the ones who roam the cosmos forever have to watch it burn over and over again.”

“Stop being cryptic. Say what you have to say.”

“Fine, whatever you think, this isn’t your fault. Civilisations rise, I have witnessed it more often than you, but they inevitably fall. Once their technology, their magic, their power, whatever you want to call it crosses the threshold they always self destruct.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? I had friends here, Lucifer.”

“So did I, Aurora, so did I. You might not have noticed but I visited this planet at least as often as you. It was here we first kissed after all, I freely admit that I might have been a little sentimental in the beginning, but they really were a decent people.” His hand landed on my shoulder lightly but I could feel his warmth and also a part of his grief. Despite his rationalisations he was just as shaken as me. I snuggled into his hand and asked quietly: “what do we do now?”

“The same thing as always, we carry on and remember. We honour them with the stories we tell our next friends and we value their ideas and ideals for as long as we can. Nothing truly dies, Aurora, it simply… changes.”

“That’s bullshit, look around you! Does that look like anything that’s capable of change to you?”

He dropped down beside me and slung his arm around my shoulder. I hadn’t realised I was shivering. At first I wanted to pull away but he wouldn’t let me, so I sunk into the embrace.

“Yes, it does. Life is much more than just an arbitrary arrangement of atoms that functions in a certain way. It has purpose, meaning and a legacy. Do you think your time here hasn’t changed you, or me for that matter? So long as we remember they won’t be gone. By all that’s holy, even if we should forget, our actions will always be influenced by everything we have learned and seen here. The only reason you suffer my touch right now, or if I may be so bold, even crave it, is this lost civilisation. Their actions formed us, they made us who we are. As long as you stay true to yourself, they aren’t gone.”

We had had this discussion before, trying to answer why we exist, what life is and if there is a true god. It had always struck me as a nice sentiment that everything is immortal in its on way as long as it had changed something. But it did nothing to quench my tears as I sat in a grey wasteland where colourful birds and a little town should have been. But than again, maybe my pain was what kept them alive, at least for now. I recoiled when I imagined what would happen if I had to restart, would they disappear for good, would my next incarnation forget this scene? I shuddered.

“How can you say that? You know that we, of all the races, make for the worst guardians. We have to restart all over again when we die, everything we lived through, suffered through and loved will be gone…” my voice cut off when he leaned in and pressed his lips firmly against mine, the silvery glow from his eyes had intensified.

“Do you remember what I told you on this very planet?”

“You said you would always love me, but it won’t be you when you die, will it?” I leaned away.

“Look at me,” he lifted my head with a light touch and the fire in his eyes burned brighter than I had ever seen before. When next he spoke, his words were laced with energy, his wings had unfurled and we sat in the middle of an iridescent cocoon, air currents entwined our hair, raven black and red.

“We will remember, this I promise.” I could feel the magic in his words and I believed him.

My vision turned into a kaleidoscope of colours and when next they formed coherent pictures, the scene had changed.

I felt different, my body clad in armour but I wasn’t looking for a fight. A heavy weight pressed down on me and my shoulders slouched, I was terrified of what was to come but yet I couldn’t run, I had to be here. My gaze roamed over 331 angels, who stood on top the highest tower in the silver city. The home of angels was a marvel without equal. Built from celestial silver it glowed from within, sleek spires, high towers and colourful gardens illuminating the darkness of the void all around. We waited. Waited for a declaration of war we dreaded would come. Only Lucifer and Michael were missing, one caught by demons and the other on his way to retrieve his lost brother. I was afraid all he would bring back were memories. I had to repress a sob when I thought about my love, who might be on his way to a new incarnation right now. Not knowing nearly killed me.

When finally the golden glyphs, set into two spires that adorned the tower, lit up and I saw a lonely figure with metal wings step through the portal I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer. So he was truly gone. The demons had broken the pact and killed an angel, my angel. Grief and desperation filled me to the brink but when I couldn’t take it any more I remembered his promise. I would find him again, find his new soul and body and if he didn’t lie to me we would be together again. But for now I had to make sure his death wouldn’t go unpunished, someone would pay.

Michael looked the worse for wear, half healed gashes covered his arms and legs and I could see the last traces of a deep wound on his chest, but his voice remained strong and unwavering when he addressed us:

“Brothers, Sisters, I have returned, but empty handed. Lucifer,” his voice caught on the name, “ Lucifer is gone, but…” I didn’t follow anymore as a faint trickle of energy deep within my mind alerted me to a quiet voice ‘No, I’m not. And we need to talk. Find me near the chasm, two turns of the city from now.’ My world vanished in a whirlwind of colours again.

“Did you lose your mind?!” I screamed, anger, hot as a sun, the only thing within me at that moment. “You want to kill them all? No, Lucifer, never, I will never help you slay another angel. You should have known better than to even ask!”

“Damn it all to the demons, Aurora, didn’t you listen?! What do you want me to do? Talk to him? I already tried, thank you very much. My scars haven’t even healed yet! If you don’t want to see another promising culture crash and burn, if you want any resemblance of freedom in this damned place, he and all his minions have got to go for good!” Madness, utter madness. Michael had been right when he had warned me directly after his return. That wasn’t the Lucifer I knew, in front of me stood nothing but a dark and twisted shadow of the angel I had loved. That wasn’t his soul staring at me through eyes as bright as a full moon, all I could see was anger and corrupted determination. I faced a stone cold killer.

“Maybe you’re the one who is wrong and has to start anew?” I asked quietly, the anger gone, replaced with resignation. He stilled immediately and the light in his eyes dimmed.

“If that’s your wish…” with a blue and silvery flare of energy he was gone and I started to weep bloody tears with no one but the endless chasm of souls as my witness. The myriad of colours dancing into reality slowly took me in and the world melted away into a soothing darkness.

“Hello Ahri, long time no see. You look good, if I may say so myself.” I opened my eyes and they were mine. I was back in my old body, fluffy tails and ears and all. I sat on one of the benches of my favourite meditation glade in the palace of the moon. Water dripped from Boseiju’s leafs into a pond and opposite I could see Aurora who had a slight smile on her face while she studied me closely. “You have become quite the beauty.” She chuckled. “Even though it might sound vain.” The emotions I had experienced for the last hours had left me empty and still, like the pond in front of me. I couldn’t share in her mirth but I wasn’t angry either. She had warned me when first we had met after all. “How can you be here?” I asked.

“Well, I am, witch is to say, you are, dreaming, not reliving memories from ages past. And there is no better way to meet one’s own subconsciousness than lucid dreaming. I am the part of you that remembers all her life, I have lived it after all. Trust me on this though, you shouldn’t be in a rush to get there.”

“Than why did you show me these memories? They aren’t of much help, it’s nice to know who Cassy was previously but honestly, this only creates more trouble. At least I don’t have to wonder anymore why she is becoming more important to me by the day. We don’t really have a choice, do we?” Aurora flinched and she seemed a little embarrassed but answered straight away:

“You didn’t sprout your wings yet, the influence of our past memories and desires is still very small. I’m sorry, hon, but that’s all you. Our past might have nudged you in her direction, it definitely set you on the way south, but that tingling in your stomach is all on you… and her.” That made me feel much better, I wasn’t a big fan of arranged marriages. But she hadn’t answered my question, only my suspicions.

“Why these memories? Can’t you tell me what happened? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I can’t, I’m your subconsciousness, remember? There are rules governing the development of angels and I have shown you everything your mind and soul can cope with right now. We can revisit this topic once you can fly on your own.”

“Than why are you here? What do I want to tell me?”

“Now that’s a good question. I want to make sure you take the right thing away from this. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Why haven’t you ever contact your parents or you sister for example?” That caught me off guard and I stammered a little:

“I...I didn’t know what I could tell them, how I could make them understand. It was much easier to simply run away in the night and leave the explanations to Nana and then it never seemed like the right time.”

“True, but you have regretted it dearly, not two days ago when you though you were about to die. So what’s the real reason?”

“I am afraid they would hate me. I left them to follow someone else, I had never met before, after all. Especially Emilia, how could she not?”

“So you’re feeling guilty? Or is it angry? At me perhaps?”

“You know already! Why are you asking?”

“Because you don’t, what you saw just now and what I’m asking is closely related. Nothing is what it seems, there are always multiple layers of truth, of emotions, of…” A shudder ran through the glade and I could feel Boseiju tremble.

I woke up when Greta screamed, I couldn’t see much, disoriented as I was, but I felt two dark presences close by and when the first spell left Greta’s mouth I realised how much trouble we actually were in.