An angel’s road to hell

41. Of trauma, tails and a little bit of love

Cassandra Pendragon

I expected to be thrown into another memory, but I was wrong. The next thing I knew was the soft embrace of a fluffy blanket, the sounds of a moving airship and the smell of seasoned wood and hastily prepared food. I was in a small cabin, similar to the one where I had found Ahri in. The sky behind the one small window was black but I could see one star or the other blinking at me uncaringly. As soon as I opened my eyes everything I… we had been through came rushing back and despair, grief and rage welled up once again. The emotions hit me like a truck after the blessed silence I had experienced during my talk with Lucifer.

For a moment I was literally stunned, tears leaked out of my eyes while I laid on my cot motionless. Images of burning trees, mutilated kitsune and Greta’s empty eyes rose within my mind and I couldn’t shove them away. I started to cry in earnest, my body trembled with every heartfelt sob. The memories were much too strong and I even forgot where I was while I had to relive the last night from the first attack to its hellish conclusion. I might have started to scream along the way because the next thing I knew that was real was a warm body, clinging to me, whispering words of encouragement into my ear.

Ahri laid on top of me, she held me tight in the middle of a ravaged cot. My wings were extended and circled around hers, our tails were entwined and I could see the red imprint of my palm on her cheek. Her eyes were full of worry while she stared down at me. The chilling air that came in through a perfectly symmetrical hole in the wall made me shiver as it touched my sweat drenched skin. My heart was pounding fast and I still felt the urge to run, to fly, to fight but it was subsiding by the second while I gazed into her eyes. I lost myself within them, like a deep forest lake they seemed to swallow my fear, my panic and I regained a modicum of self control. She whispered into my ear: “are you back? Can I let go of you now without endangering the rest of the ship?”

My voice was hoarse as I replied softly: “I’m back but I’d very much prefer it if you wouldn’t let go of me just now.”

She smiled and settled down by my side. With a rushing noise her wings disappeared but I could still feel her arms around me and the warmth of her tails against mine. Slowly my heartbeat calmed down and I managed to take in what I had done to my cabin.

The cot was in shambles, only the mattress was still intact the rest had been smashed and cut into small pieces. The walls, floor and ceiling bore deep gashes, narrow and black like someone had dragged a glowing knife along them. Of the wardrobe, I suspected had been in the corner, nothing remained but an armful of kindling. Several holes had been punched or stabbed threw the cabin, one of them showed the night sky outside, directly below the window that had miraculously escaped the destruction. The door was closed and we were alone but now that I was more aware I could here the quiet voices of people, talking outside. Judging from their timbre and echo, they maintained a respectful distance to the door.

With a thought I retracted my wings as well, turned around and buried my face in the crook of her neck, the fur on her ears tickled my cheek lightly. Tears were still gushing from my eyes but I didn’t even try to hold them back. I cried in Ahri’s arms until a leaden silence was all that was left within me and I slipped into a dreamless sleep.

When I woke up again, I found myself in the exact same position, still wrapped tightly around my…friend? Considering who we had been and how much history connected us the word friend seemed hardly appropriate anymore. Whatever she was to me, I felt better, much better. In her embrace I could keep the rising memories at bay and was even…happy? Yes, I was happy. Shaken and grief stricken, certainly, but the warm and fuzzy feeling within was definitely happiness. The smile that involuntarily tugged at the corners of my mouth when I opened my eyes and saw her face almost touching mine was also a strong indicator. While my eyes roamed over her familiar figure I felt my thoughts divert, rushing back to what had happened, my conversation with Lucifer, what might have occurred while I was unconscious and how we were supposed to go on. But I didn’t intent to face my problems just yet. I was more than content to simply lie by Ahri’s side and count the number of freckles I had never realised she had. I shoved the lump of unanswered questions and burning emotions back down and slowly I started to relax. I focused on her slow and steady breath, the warm and soft feeling where our bodies touched and what she truly meant to me. Finding out that your best friend is the one person you thought you were in love with can cause quiet a lot of turmoil, after all.

Love or even falling in love had always been an idea to me, more than anything else. For as long as I could remember I had always lived with the conviction that there is someone out there, my damsel in distress whom I would find one day. I had never seriously thought about what I would do when I actually did find her and now she was lying on my cot. While I studied her features I came to realise how similar to Aurora she actually looked and I had to wonder how I could have been so blind as not to realise who she really was. Maybe that was the problem. Aurora had always been an abstract ideal, someone to dream about, to long for, but Ahri was real, someone I knew, I had spent time with, someone I cherished but in a totally different way. Could I even love her while I still clung to the image of Aurora I had been carrying around with me for my entire life? Usually people fell in love, the heat of the moment and nature’s influence made it a whole lot easier, and after they had spent time with one another and defined their relationship, made memories and faced challenges together they would slowly come to love one another. To decide that the flaws and strong points of the other person complemented one’s own and that you needed the other person to live a happy life required time. Time spent together, as a couple.

I had none of that. My underlying character was that of an ageless adult who had already spent aeons with Aurora but I couldn’t remember most of that time and my body was still closer to childhood than adulthood so I didn’t feel much in terms of bodily desires. To top it off I  wasn’t even sure I truly knew the person in my arms. All I had were dreams, maybe even from another life and the last few days. I hadn’t been blind, I had realised that our relationship changed after my birthday and especially during the fight for our home but how could I know that it was love I was feeling and not a mixture of finally having found someone I had been longing for for all my life and the projections and feelings from my past I thrust upon her, knowing she was Aurora? Or the simple fact that she had provided a pillar of support and strength throughout the most trying time of my life? Did it matter?

She made me happy. Right here and right now. Period. Mustering all my courage I leaned forward just a little bit and kissed her lips hesitantly. Her eyes flew open and once again I lost myself in their green depth. Her smile illuminated the whole room. “Hi there.” She whispered against my mouth. “How long have you been staring at me?”

“How did you know?”

“Most of my memories are sealed again but I guess I retained more about our last life together than you did. You don’t face trauma directly and prefer to concentrate on things that make you happy directly afterwards. And you never had the courage to simply take what you want. There were always other things to consider. I know you pretty well in your new skin, too, and that hasn’t changed.”

“Is that good or bad?” She was lost in thought for a moment.

“That you don’t want to dwell on what happened to us for now is rather healthy, I’d say. As for the rest… it depends. Usually it’s good, it makes you considerate. But I don’t want you to start second guessing me or our past. It is what we make of it. Do you like me?” I wasn’t prone to fits of childish behaviour but I had to giggle.

“That’s the second stupidest question I have heard today.” She pouted: “only the second?” I kissed her again. “You’re right. It’s definitely number one. Of course I like you, you already knew that. But I don’t really know in what form anymore. You’re amazing, beautiful and have always been there for me. I always thought we were best friends but I never imagined anything else. Now I have a whole plethora of feelings bubbling inside of me when I see you. Most of it is happiness and hope but there is also a lingering anger and I know that’s due to our past but I can’t remember it. I’m feeling like I’m at the end of a road, not the beginning and I don’t know how I got there. When I look at you I feel…lost. It’s like…starting a story in the middle. You know that things are the way they are but you don’t know why and you lack the natural connection you’d otherwise have.” She had listened closely but the longer I spoke the more pronounced her smile became.

“That’s exactly what I meant. You’re worrying too much about inconsequential details. Here, let me show you.” Her tails circled around me, she hugged me tightly and her silky voice breathed into my ear: “it’s not rocket science. If you feel better now than you did a moment ago all that stuff doesn’t matter. Memories and understanding need time. Spend it with me.” My heart was beating faster again but this time I quite enjoyed the sensation.

“Since when have you become so wise?” A sheepish look crossed her stunning features before she replied:

“That’s a rather long story but I had some very vivid dreams after I passed out. It’s hard to say but I think I really was Aurora for a time, the few memories of my life didn’t matter compared to the endless years Aurora roamed the cosmos. Most of it is gone now, but I still feel more like the person I used to be, like I dreamed her life and can’t recollect the details but still feel the way I did during the dream, if that makes any sense.”

“I think I understand. You are still the same but your perspective has changed. I’m just wandering, have you always liked me in the way you do now, even before you knew about our past?” I wasn’t sure but I thought she blushed a little.

“I… I think it would be best if I told you my story instead of answering that straight away. But before we get into that, let’s get something to eat. Aren’t you famished? We have been on this cot for over a day now.” Even though I was pretty sure she was playing for time and wanted to collect her thoughts before we continued our talk I didn’t call her out. Firstly I completely understood where she was coming from, having first hand experience of how memories can change you. And secondly I wanted to look for my mom and brother before spending another day locked up in my cabin. I was quite sure her story wouldn’t be told in a few minutes. Also, I indeed was famished. I didn’t know how long exactly I had been out of it but now that I thought about food, my stomach was rumbling like an avalanche. And lastly I needed water, I was thirsty, true enough, but I had to clean myself thoroughly. I didn’t smell, per se, maybe a little smoky, but I was still covered in ash and blood and that had to change. Preferably sooner rather than later. “I’d love to” I said while I slowly extracted myself from her embrace.

That led to another surprise. Instead of four I had to wiggle five tails out from under her. I hadn’t felt the transformation nor the new appendage before I saw it. I wiggled it experimentally and it moved naturally, as if it had always been there. I recalled Mephisto’s explanation about the different stages of my development and a smile sprang to my lips. I could finally channel energy through my body and into my wings!

Ahri had caught my movement and tugged on my new tail lightly. I blushed immediately, I wasn’t really embarrassed, I just wasn’t used to the feeling and it was a rather intimate gesture. She laughed at my red cheeks and said:

“Just as fluffy as the other ones. No need to be embarrassed.” That didn’t help at all and I was well on my way to turn into a tomato which of course made her laugh even harder but she never removed her hand.

“Go on, try your wings, I know you’re itching to. I’ll watch.” I was hesitant. First of all I didn’t know what would happen if I channeled energy through any part of my body and secondly I was still distracted by her dexterous fingers that kept brushing my tail. We had been closer on the cot but this felt much more deliberate. “I…umm… you’re distracting me!”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“…not really. It actually feels quite nice. You just took me by surprise, that’s all.” I turned around halfway so my back was facing away from her completely and unfurled my wings. With a slight rush of air silvery light filled the cabin. The first thing I realised was that I had much finer control over my wings. While the sensation had been a bit fuzzy before and I had had to concentrate to move each wing independently they now literally followed my will. I didn’t have to think about a movement, it just happened, like each single step just occurs while you’re running and thinking about where you want to go.

My second sight had also tremendously improved. I didn’t have to close my eyes anymore, the information I could gather with my wings was simply there as soon as I concentrated on an object. I could tell its density, its magical properties and even feel faint energy signatures from the people who had touched it in the past. Like fingerprints I could “see” these signatures all around as soon as I focused hard enough. The information I could gather from living things was even more detailed. I could, for example, see the faint traces of transcendent energy that coursed through Ahri’s body and mingled with her soul, mana and life force. I could see the fiery essence of her wings within her and I could see her burning core. With a little effort I even saw a little of her surface thoughts. She was staring at me intently and for a moment I glimpse my own image in her mind. It made me blush again. I knew I was pretty but I was damned sure I was neither as beautiful nor as alluring as the girl she was seeing. But I wouldn’t complain.

When I accidentally brushed over a wall I also realised that my perception of matter had changed. It was now nothing more than information, I knew the wall was sturdy and that it was there in my way, but I could move my wings through it just as easily as I moved them through air. There was no resistance, I didn’t have to apply any force, my wings simply slithered wherever I wanted them to and cut everything in their path.

And finally I felt my core. For the first time it was more than just the sensation of an ocean of energy, ready to smash its restraints and burry me under its weight. Now it felt like a part of me, friendly and tame. I could dip into it without any fear of drowning. I could channel it along my meridians, throughout my body and into my wings, directing it to my skin, my muscles or different organs. With nothing more than a thought, transcendent energy rushed from my core and into my wings. The light within the cabin changed and I felt space and time bend around my wings.