An angel’s road to hell

42. Of haunted visions, hidden promises and a little bit of normality

Cassandra Pendragon

I felt powerful. My wings burned behind me and the half lit cabin was illuminated as if under a midday sun. Every movement of my wings distorted the air and I could feel them slicing through space itself, phasing in and out of reality according to my whims. It was exhilarating. If only I had been able to access my core before. So much of what had happened could have been prevented. Uninvited memories rose up as I saw the faces of the dead before me again and smelled the burning garden and the decayed stench of the curse. From one second to the next I was reduced from an angel to a quivering mess of tears once again as the shadows of the past day held me prisoner. I couldn’t escape and fell to the floor, withering in imagined pain. I was insensible to my surroundings while the fit lasted but I had to endure every moment of it wide awake. I saw the grotesque sacrifices below the ritual chamber, I had to walk among the cursed kitsune and Greta’s burned out eyes appeared wherever I turned. I was completely lost until a sharp slap brought me back to reality.

Once again Ahri sat on top of me, her tails slung around my middle, her wings forced mine onto the floor and her hand was still in the air, ready to descend one more time. The surge of energy had subsided and I felt empty, desperate. With tears in my eyes I stared up at her beautiful face and mumble: “What’s happening to me?”

Her expression changed form worry to pity and she hugged me tightly. “You’re healing. A festering wound must be torn open and cleansed before it will go away. You had to live through much more suffering within a day than most people experience during their life times. It’s catching up to you.”

“You were there as well. You lived through the same night. Why are you fine?” That might have come out a little more aggressively than I had intended but I was still reeling from the scenes that had assaulted me.

“The only person I really care about is still with me. Sure, I’m still edgy and it’ll take some time before the nightmares disappear but I didn’t lose my family, nor my home. It might sound cruel but for me it was just another battle. You’re not weak, Cassandra. On the contrary, that you care so much is one of your greatest strengths.” She had read me like an open book and I wanted to believe her, but lying here, beneath her in a mangled cabin somewhere in the sky after most of my people had died or were taken prisoner didn’t make me feel strong. I felt useless, I hadn’t been able to protect my home, I hadn’t even been able to save Adam and now I was breaking down every few moments. The way I was now, I wouldn’t be able to follow the missing kids, never mind free them. It was pathetic, I had finally gained access to my core but I felt weaker than ever before, on the verge of shattering completely, like strained glass when the first fractures appear. I felt so tired.

“I hope you’re right.” I said in a subdued voice. “Can you just hold me for a minute, I don’t think I can get up just yet.” “Always,” she whispered while her weight settled down on me more firmly. I focused on her steady breath and the warmth of her body and gradually I managed to calm down.

“Realistically we have just met but I already don’t know what I would do without you.” I whispered into her ear. Her reply was nearly inaudible.

“If it’s up to me you won’t ever have to answer that question.” That made me feel better. The psyche is a funny little thing. I had been devastate a moment ago but now I felt safe, hopeful and even a little happy. I had to suppress a snort, my mood swings were seriously getting out of hand.

“Than I won’t. Thanks. You might be a bit curvaceous for the job but you’re my knight in shining armour.” She giggled. “You must be better if you can already deliver two compliments in one. Ready to stand up?”

“I think I could but I’m not sure if want to.” But apparently I wasn’t going to get much say in the matter. Ahri rolled off of me but still clung to my hand and pulled me on my feet. “We’ll get some food, talk to your family and have you cleaned. You’ll feel better afterwards, promise.” I sighed but still let go of her. We retracted our wings and I tried to brush off the worst of the grime and return my appearance to something slightly less tousled and frayed but that was a fruitless endeavour. I thought about taking Ahri’s hand but my musings were interrupted when she grabbed mine tightly and pulled me out of the room. “Come on, I’m hungry.”

The door led to a narrow walkway, flameless lamps, a speciality of the dwarfs, hung from the ceiling every few steps and filled the corridor with flickering light. To my left I could see two more doors, one on each side of the aisle, before the passage turned into a flight of stairs that vanished into the entrails of the ship. We turned right and passed several more cabins before we reached another flight of stairs that presumably lead to the deck. The corridor was empty, whoever had been talking when I had first woken up was gone but I could discern the rattling snores that came from most of the cabins. The whole ship smelled of oil, seasoned wood, smoke and damp hawsers, a low creaking sound filled the air and I felt the slight changes in hight and direction whenever a particularly strong gust of wind was caught by the rigging. Old wooden boards groaned beneath our feet as we slowly ascendant the few steps that led to a wooden double door which Ahri pushed open with her free hand.

My mom, Mordred and Xorlosh were already waiting for us, their faces drawn into lines of worry but they relaxed visibly as soon as we came on deck. An airship was pretty similar to most seafaring vessels with an additional two masts on the sides. The ship we were on was about 40 meters in length with two main masts on the upper deck. The slightly smaller masts on the side were connected with the main masts through a complicatedly woven rigging that allowed to change direction as well as hight. Seasoned oak was used for most parts of the ship but I could already see the glimmering of polished metal here and there, where the dwarfs had added additional fortifications to the hull. From experience I knew that the stone, which kept the whole contraption afloat, was located somewhere in the middle, connected to the rest of the ship through strong steel columns which formed the core of the vessel. These flying stones were a speciality of the elves. They became lighter when heated and would grow heavier when cooled down. A chimney rose up directly above the stone chamber to funnel away the smoke of the huge fires that were needed to regulate the temperature.

We came up close to the stern, a starry sky above us and the endless sea far far below. No islands were in sight. The others had been huddled together closely in front of the cargo access, talking in low voices but our appearance put an end to their discussion. With a low cry my mom threw herself towards me and I could see a smile flash across my brother’s and Xorlosh’s faces before silvery hair obstructed my view. The top of her head was now directly in my line of sight. Had I grown?

“Thank the great fox you are alright. I was so worried when you collapsed.” She snivelled into my ear. I hugged her tightly in response. “I’m fine, more or less. I’m so glad you’re still with me. How are you holding up?”

“Not great but I’ll manage, I still have to look after my children, don’t I?” She extracted herself from my embrace and looked me up and down: “you changed.” It was a statement, not a question so I only shrugged. I wasn’t sure if she meant my appearance or something else but she was right either way. “We all did, I suppose.”

“You should take a look in a mirror before you say that. You really are stunning, even under all that dirt. You’ll break many hearts once word gets around that you’re taken.” She said with only the slightest strain in her voice. It felt strange to have a forcefully normal conversation under the circumstance but we both tried really hard to avoid talking about our home or my dad. Another mental breakdown wouldn’t benefit anyone.

“She’s taken?” Mordred asked from behind insolently. Ahri smacked him on the head.

“Ouch, but I guess that means yes. Well, congratulations shorty, even though,” his eyes roamed form my head to my toes, “you’re not much smaller than me anymore, are you?”

“I’ve always been the taller one, at least intellectually. But seriously what are you all talking about? I know I got a new tail but that’s it.” Both of them leaned to the side to study my behind while my mum said: “you got a new tail? Oh, wow! Amazing, I’ve never seen anyone develop as quickly,  but than again, I’ve never met another angel before. But honey, that’s not all that has changed.” Her eyes roamed over the deck searchingly until she spotted an accessible polished piece of metal close to the cargo access and pulled me along. The cargo access was a giant whole in the deck with a wooden crane above to lift heavy goods. The whole was closed off at the moment with a solid wooden cover but the edges were made of polished steel and it was enough to see my reflection.

I had grown. I was slightly taller than my mom now, probably close to 1.8 meters. I had also aged. I wasn’t a child anymore, the face I was staring at was the one of a 20something years old kitsune. I had lost the last traces of my puppy fat and had developed curves. My face was still the same but it seemed slightly sharper, high cheek bones and a sharp jaw line contrasted nicely with the soft line of my nose. My eyes appeared a little larger but their glow had dimmed enough actually see their silvery colour. My reflection was exactly the same one I had seen in Ahri’s mind. And I had thought she was infatuated enough to perceive me differently…

I was still lithe and slender with long legs and a slim figure but I sported some curves now. Not overly much but I was content. Even though I was usually careful with the word considering whom I called my people, I was stunningly beautiful even in comparison to other kitsune.

I touched my face lightly and allowed my fingers to roam over my new body. I didn’t feel any different, if I hadn’t seen my reflection I wouldn’t have been able to perceive anything unusual. Even my new hight didn’t stick out to me unless I was close enough to someone I knew really well, like my mom. I had realised that she was shorter than me now. A groan from behind broke me out of my musings.

“By the great fox, your head is swollen enough, please don’t become vain as well now.” Mordred complained.

“Don’t worry, I know you can’t understand how it feels to actually like what you see in a mirror.” I turned towards him and smiled. “But your brutish charm easily makes up for it.” Before he had the chance to reply I crossed the distance between us and hugged him. “I’m glad you’re not dead.” I felt him tense up before he returned the embrace. “So am I, glad that neither of us is dead, that is. I wouldn’t have wanted to part with my sword and you haven’t even bothered to bring your wardrobe along.” The slight trembling of his body belied his mocking inflection, he wasn’t nearly as tough as he wanted us to believe.

“I didn’t wanna interrupt your little reunion but if you’re all back to trading insults I think I can safely say me piece.” Xorlosh tapped my right soldier and continued: “it’s good to see you again, lass. I still owe you a good spanking for when you left me and the boys twiddling our beards below you, though. But I guess sticking it to his ugliness was plenty of an apology. You did well, really well. Most of me lads are still up and kicking and that’s thanks to you. If you ever need a strong hand and a stronger backbone, just call for us. I won’t forget what you did for me people and me.”

“You’re very welcome but what I did hardly merits praise or thankfulness. Without your timely intervention we would all be dead by now. It’s the dwarfs who saved us even though it wasn’t your fight and I won’t forget it. Should I ever be able to assist you in any way, know I’ll rush to your side as fast as I can.” A broad smile split his beard.

“Lass, you still have to stop talking to me like you have a stick up your arse. We went through hell and back together, stop it with the stilted speech already. But I heard you well enough.” He turned to my mother and bowed from the waist. “You did good by her, milady. She might not be the best with words but her heart is in the right spot.”

“I know,” Ahri, who had snuck up close to me interjected. “And she’s even pretty eloquent under the right circumstances.” She added quietly enough that only I could hear her. The smell of pine trees that rose from her skin distracted me for a moment and I missed parts of what Xorlosh was saying.

“… in your cabin for two days. You must be famished. Come on, all of you. I still got some fine food left in me cabin and I might even be able to unearth a nice tankard of mead for each of us. It’s much better to talk with a full stomach and a fragrant pipe. You can take a quick detour to the baths on the way while I pick up Aspera and Astra.”

“Baths?!” Ahri echoed.

“Well, at first you were unconscious, then you took to the next water barrel with such gusto that I didn’t have the heart to tell you it’s for cleaning the deck and then you disappeared in her cabin for a day. I never had the chance to show you before…” his voice trailed off when he realised smoke was coming out of Ahri’s ears, literally. Huh, she was even hotter than I thought.

“But, but you can go with her now. It’s quite comfy and the lads are all off to bed or downstairs in the stone-chamber. Come along now, I’ll show you.” He turned around and hurried towards the double door we had exited from before. With a silent glance at each other and a smirk on our lips we followed him down below, my mom and Mordred close in tow.

On the way down the stairs I quietly asked: “who are Aspera and Astra?” To my surprise it was my mom who answered from behind me:

“They are the only two surviving members of the elven enclave back at h… where we came from.” Her voice had caught on the word home and I couldn’t fail to notice the strange way she ended her sentence. I stopped and turned around, quickly enough to catch her wiping her eyes. With a quick step I was by her side and drew her close. We stood there in a silent embrace for a long time, Mordred and Ahri had given us some space considerately.

After a while I felt some of the tension leave my mom’s body and her shaky breath became more steady. I could still feel the pent up frustration and her grief but she wasn’t close to crying anymore. Sometimes you just needed someone to hold you for a moment.

I carefully extracted myself from her and held her at arms length. In the flickering light of the lamps the circles under her eyes were much more pronounced and I could still smell the smoke of the fire we had fled from in her hair. Gently I pulled her close once again and whispered:

“Join us, a hot bath will do wonders for us all.” I turned to my brother who was waiting at the bottom of the stairs with Ahri.

“Sorry, You’re not invited.” He chuckled.

“Thank the great fox for that.”