Dark Days Under a Black Sun

SAN DIEGO

“No,” Marvin said. “It’s not going to work. Even if I could…be okay with it, MMA’s not big in Seattle, not yet. If it was just me, fine, but with my family—for breadwinner money, you need to be in L.A.—maybe San Diego, they’re coming up.”

“I hear San Diego is great.”

“But really, ah fuck it.” Marvin shook his head. “I’m fooling myself. None of this matters anymore.”

“Wait, why not? Why wouldn’t it matter? San Diego, now that sounds like a great—”

“I tell you, man, I’ve been fighting so long. My whole life, the solution to anything that came at me, muscle up.” Marvin suddenly flexed his arms and tightened his grip on the wheel until his forearms quivered with effort. “Bear it, fight it. But this time, this last thing—gotta say, it hurts. And after I gave my whole life to them. It makes me feel like, fuck it, I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to let go.” Marvin released his grip on the steering wheel with both hands, so that only the lower portion of his palms maintained contact, holding the car steady.

“Woah Marvin, woah, wait, wait, wait just—I mean, just, woah, yeah, right? I mean, there’s, because, like, there’s all this—hey, you know I really hear San Diego is great—really great!”

“Hmm, yeah, I’ve heard that too.” Marvin smiled slightly and again took hold of the steering wheel. “Everyone says that.”

“Right!”

“You know, I was trying to convince myself it could be ok,” Marvin said. “Not just now, I mean, all week. I can focus on building my team. Be with my family.”

“Right, exactly!”

“Mmm, nah. I’ve played it all out in my head, again and again. Even tonight, just talking it through with you—it’s been clarifying. I appreciate that. It’s why you’re here, why we met.”

“Totally, I totally get it. That’s why I’m here, so we can clarify, right? Let’s keep clarifying.”

“I feel like I understand why everything’s been so exhausting. Because in the end none of this earthly shit matters, you know? He’s got a plan, and that’s all there is. That’s the truth of it, the whole point, just to understand what His plan is for you, and I have. I’m done my work, and now I’m just tired of this shit.”

“But it all sounds good, what you’re telling me. Everything you’re telling me, it all sounds really good. There’s nothing—tired of what? Everything’s great!”

“Man, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Maybe the Navy’s right. I’m just—you know, we lost 58,000 soldiers in Vietnam. They lost two million—and they won. I just mean whatever happens in your life, dying isn’t the same as losing. You learn that as a soldier.”

“But—San Diego!”

“What about it?”

“Marvin, I think San Diego’s the way to go, definitely. I mean, you should at least try it. So like, after tomorrow you should—in fact, even better, why not tomorrow afternoon? Just because it’s nice to have something nice right after some annoying bullshit, right? So let’s see, let’s figure this out. In the morning there’s Tacoma—fuck Tacoma, whatever. So Tacoma, right? Then you drive back up to Sea-Tac, catch the first flight down to San Diego and just look around and see if it’s right for you. Spend a few days. I hear the zoo is amazing, right? So then if you like it, you can fly your family down and take them around, go to the zoo. Because why not, right? Take a little vacation together. Or—oh wow, even better, you could have them come out to meet you in Seattle and drive the long way down. You ever go down the coast on Route 1? It’s gorgeous. It’s like, I mean, it’s why Americans went West, right? You’re right on the Pacific. Just right on the Pacific. And let me tell you, the sunset setting behind the Pacific, just beautiful. And then spend the night in Monterey. There’s the aquarium there! It’s beautiful. Not the building, but inside the building, they have—fish, a lot of fish. And turtles—big turtles. Also these jellyfish—they’re wild, like balls of light floating around in nightgowns. And seahorses and seadragons that look like little horse dragons. Your kids’ll love it! And there’s Hearst Castle somewhere, which is what Shangri-La is based on—or Xanadu rather, from Orson Welles. They’ll love that too! Then there’s Carmel, which has this great art scene, all this sculpture, and pottery, so—and there’s Big Sur and Point Reyes, or Lobos, ooh so beautiful! Just the whole thing, something your kids’ll remember for the rest of their lives, the whole trip. Yes, this is gonna work, that’s the way to do it. Fly down to San Diego tomorrow, check it out, then fly back to Seattle, meet with your family. Next day you all drive all down. And—oh, and in between L.A. and San Diego there’s Laguna Beach, which I’ve heard of, and it’s supposed to be really nice—they even made a TV show called Laguna Beach. And hey! If you get to San Diego early enough in the day, you guys could hit the zoo in the afternoon and then catch a Padres game! How about that, a real cherry on the top for your kids, and—”

“Do you know Schubert?”

“What?”

“Schubert. The composer. You said you like classical music.”

“Schubert? Oh, Schubert, yes! I fucking love Schubert! Do you love Schubert? I bet they have great Schubert orchestras in San Diego!”

“I didn’t. I’d never heard of him.” He took up the last of the joint and held it up. “Want to hit this?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

“Yes, you are. No doubt.”

“Yeah, and you know it occurs to me, I actually think San Diego is kind of famous for their orchestras and concert halls—tons of Schubert.”

“I heard this track last week and it just blew my mind. It’s called Death and the Maiden. You ever heard of it?”

“Absolutely! One of my favorites,” Sam said. Also the only one he knew.

“Ah ha!” Marvin, suddenly excited, grinned and slapped the dashboard, startling Sam. “See, I knew it. I knew you would. That’s what I’m saying, right?”

“Right! Yes! What do you mean?”

“I’m saying, how many fucking guys you meet–just random shit–at a fucking truck stop, and you both dig the same music? I mean, not some radio shit everyone listens to, but the exact same music that practically no one listens to. The exact same song?”

“Right. Right!”