Dark Days Under a Black Sun

TACOMA

“Yeah?”

Meditation, good. Not uncommonly, obvious remedies for what plagued a driver were contained within their confessions. And often enough for Sam, allaying their concerns was as simple as reminding them that they had been wearing ruby slippers all along.

“What I realized was, I wasn’t scared of dying or getting hurt. I was scared I was going to lose my soul over there. I’d get cut loose from God and become a monster. So I had this idea, and it seemed crazy, but I knew it wasn’t. So when Mattie was out, picking up the kids, I went to the pet store, bought a cat, brought it home, and I squeezed it to death in the kitchen.”

“Oh fuck!”

“Yeah.”

“Oh fuck. Sorry, I’m just—”

“Nah, nah, it’s cool,” Marvin said. “I understand. I know what I did was awful. But I had to. I had to do something evil so I would know what it felt like—or if it wouldn’t feel like anything at all.”

“Jesus.”

“I did it slowly, skinny orange cat, looking right in its eyes the whole time—one hand around its neck, the other on its chest, so I could feel its heart stop. I didn’t even realize I was crying until after. Cat scratched the shit out of me, too. Didn’t even feel it. Watching its agony—it was in agony and—” He paused, mouth open. Then he took a deep breath. “It did. It hurt. Still does.”

Marvin stopped speaking, and Sam couldn’t fill the space. It took will enough to resist the urge to roll down the window, to force air into his lungs and get away from what was in the car.

“When it was over, I threw up, right there. Couldn’t even make it to the sink. But I—it was like I got all the poison out of me. Or something. Buried it back in the woods.” He took a deep breath and nodded once. “Evil, only word for it. A true act of evil. But I had to. It was necessary. I know it’s hard to understand. It’s okay if you don’t.”

“Mmm.”

“See, some people think soldiers get orders, so they don’t have to make decisions. All you do is make decisions. And you’re there in the first place because you believe, but you can’t just take orders on faith—or you can follow orders all the way to Nuremberg. Or My Lai. But for real, some shit in war can get tricky. And you never have the full picture. So no matter what, you better have your own moral compass. And because violence was always easy for me, I had to go deep to find mine. I did. And it worked. No more shaking after that. No fear. Last three days before I shipped out, I slept well, I played with my kids, I loved my wife. I was good to go.”

“So it worked. That’s good.”

“Yes. And now I understand why we’re here tonight.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re here to help me finish.”

“Finish? Finish what?”

“I told you I’m going to Tacoma tomorrow, but I didn’t tell you why.”

“Why?”

“They want to give me the fat boot.”

“Oh.”

“Army—really Navy mostly. They want me out.”

“But you’re their guy.”

“Yeah. That’s why it’s not going to go down like it could go down, like some people want it to go down.”

“Okay.”

“I’m their guy because there aren’t many of me, what I can do. It’s not like I’m the baddest warrior in the military—no doubt, I can throw down with anyone. But it’s a big military. There are other guys like me in that way, for-real serious bad motherfuckers. But not many who can teach like me. And even fewer who can teach the teachers. That’s what I do. I teach combat instructors how to train their men.”

“Okay.”

“So yeah, I’m their guy, true enough. Which is why I’m going to walk out of there tomorrow with a big fucking grin on my face—and I’m going to be stoned the whole time too because fuck them.”

“Oh. Hey, great.”

“The whole thing is bullshit. It’s because I fucked a guy up.”

“Mmm.”

“But I was in the right.”

“Mmm.”

“It was all on him. And over nothing—over pussy.” Marvin shook his head. “I was sparring at a gym off base with this cat, Naval pilot. God knows why his girlfriend was there.”

“Mmm.”

“And it was going fine, except his girl’s being all flirty with me. No joke, not even trying to hide she wanted me to fuck her. Fucked up, right?”

“Yeah, for sure.”

“So I’m working with her man, and this cunt’s working me, right in front of him. Way out of line. But not my place to say, right?”

“Right.”

“He didn’t say shit, but I could see he was angry. Me? Respectful, didn’t encourage anything—no one could think I was. So we finish up, I give him a pound, turn around, and the motherfucker kicked me. I mean, his girlfriend wants to suck my dick so he comes after me? Fucked me up, fucked my shoulder all up. Almost a year and it’s still not right.”

“Damn.”

“And with this, there’s no question. Uniform Code says, ‘Soldiers have the right to defend themselves against bodily harm.’ So I did. And I ruined him.”

“Mmm.”

“Fuck it. I gave the U.S. military over two-hundred master instructors—that’s tens of thousands of soldiers. I took back one.”

“Mmm.”

“But the thing is, I get to the hospital for treatment, and the blood tests showed oxy and weed in my system. And that makes it complicated. Fuck a man up, there are questions. Fuck him up, ‘under the influence,’ and it’s a crime.”

“Doesn’t seem right.”

“Right? That’s what I’m saying. I go for months at a time practically no breaks, flying all over the fucking world, to train their men up. You take a pounding. Imagine NFL players going at it like Sunday, five days a week. That’s my life for nine years, and they’re going to give me shit about what I need to heal my body? Fuck them.”

“No doubt. So…Tacoma?”

“Shit, Tacoma nothing.”

“No?”

“Not a goddamn thing. I’ve got support, all up the line, officers who know me and what I’ve done for this country. So I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah, but I’m out. Fucking Navy, they like their pilots. Want me locked up for twenty years. Tough shit. They can’t touch me. But I’m out.”

“Huh.”

“And I’ll get my honorable discharge. But no pension. Just thirteen years.”

“Oof. But still, it sounds pretty okay, right? Now you can do anything you want.”

“Yeah. I guess. I’m making some money. Shoulder doesn’t limit me, just makes me fight meaner.”

“Mmm.”

“But like, that’s it? Fighting’s fun, and it’s an honorable living—but the Army meant something. Now… Maybe, I don’t know, maybe bring Mattie and the kids out west? Seattle’s cool, right? Got those clouds.”

“Right, definitely. That sounds like a great idea.”

Marvin didn’t respond, so Sam silently sifted through what he knew of Seattle—rain, hills, Needle.