Euforia

02. Intention

I never really intended to live my life well. For my entire life, I did what the people around me wanted me to do. I never really got what I wanted. I honestly felt empty. Even knowing where my own emotions were, I struggled. Too many difficulties and vague fears filled my head. I wondered where it all came from. Have they been with me since I was born? It was a bit scary if that were true.

"I don't know," I replied in a low voice.

The man in the black suit gave me a strange look. "You're very strange. Normally people would say yes as soon as they're offered this much money." He pulled out his teacup and sipped slowly.

I looked down at his words. "Money isn't everything. Even if you believe there is an afterlife, I'm not sure you can take that money with you. Either buy luxurious things in heaven or bribe the demons in hell to reduce your punishment."

"Are you seriously telling me that?" the man said with a strange smile.

I raised my face. "Is there something strange about my words?" I asked back.

He didn't answer but chuckled. Maybe my words just now sounded funny and strange to his ears.

"You seem to think it's a funny, sarcastic joke," I said disappointedly.

"I didn't say anything like that. To me, your words just now sounded very wise. You should have said it more with confidence," he said sincerely.

Although it was a compliment, I somehow felt it sounded ambiguous.

"Don't think too much about what I said earlier," he commented quickly.

I gasped. Was I daydreaming in the middle of our conversation?

"Sorry," I said unconsciously. The habit of saying sorry easily came back into my mouth.

The man sighed. "Just relax. Don't be too tense. You have potential, but it's a shame you're still unstable and have some difficulty handling your emotions." He snapped his fingers once. "You remind me of someone who is just as unique as you. Ah, are you guys not a match made in heaven?"

I was getting more and more clueless as to where he was going with this. This strange man, whom I didn't know very well, came to my house and offered me a strange job with a big salary. Even though I didn't know him at all. I just happened to help him two days ago when he dropped all his ladylike shopping bags.

"Our conversation is getting more and more obscure." "I'm finding it increasingly difficult to grasp the meaning of your words," I complained.

Instead of looking guilty, he smiled nosily. "I challenged you, which is why I didn't show my intentions directly through my words. You're smart enough to understand double entendres anyway."

It is true that this man, from the moment he arrived at my house, did not show clarity in denotation at all. Instead, he showed double meanings through his words, even for small requests. I don't mind; it's just that this strange man came when I was in a bad state of mind.

"Please stop this nonsense. My mental state is not good right now," I pleaded tiredly. The burden of thoughts that had been piling up since a week ago was now swelling and almost causing a relapse of my neurosis.

"Want me to introduce you to an expert? I think you can consult a psychiatrist, I know." The man handed me a business card.

Well, if I had thrown away my manners, I might not have hesitated to take a knife from the kitchen and cut out this insolent man's tongue.

"Alright alright... I apologize. It looks like your neurosis is about to relapse. But I'm serious about this. I hope you don't ignore my help. If you trust me, come to that acquaintance's place and just mention my name. You don't have to pay. Whether you believe my words or not." The man now had a serious expression on his face, and his tone of voice had also changed.

I, who was on the verge of a relapse, had some difficulty controlling my emotions. Instead of being consumed by my emotions, I decided to take the business card.

"Choi Saeran, I'll go back to my first question. Do you want to take the job I'm offering you?" He asked seriously.

I hesitated because I had never done a job like this before. But strangely, I felt like I was intrigued, and my intuition seemed to be telling me to take it. So without thinking, I said yes.

The man smiled with relief. Extending his hand to shake mine. "Deal?"

I nodded in return. "Agreed," I replied.

u.

That day, I decided to take a strange job. Where I would have to stalk a girl and then report it to the strange man. Then the money would flow into my account.

***

Let's just say that I had become a criminal for accepting such a dirty job. But on the one hand, I felt that there was a strange urge that made me want to accept it. It was as if when I took it, I would get something unexpected. Even though I would get punished by the authorities if it was reported,

My brain and heart were getting worse. The fear of not getting a job because I was a final-semester student was starting to make me lose my mind. So I thought this was an outlet for stress, even though I felt there was something else that was hard to explain in words.

Feeling that I couldn't explain it, I decided unilaterally that it was a carnal need. I was blinded by lust, so I did what I wanted.

The demands of life were getting more dire every day. The need for economic matters was getting crazier. I, unable to control my fear, began to think of bad things in my head. Fear of not getting a job and the difficulty of supporting myself made me a bit misguided.

Maybe this is what is called the phase when growing up: everything will look terrible. Even the smallest things will affect your life.

Tired of reality, I closed my eyes and chose to rest my mind in this mortal world for a while. Overthinking makes me feel inadequate and keeps me living in endless fear. I closed my eyes and let the world around me slowly begin to darken.

***

"What if I shoot you in the head?" A girl with a typical East Asian face pointed a gun in front of my face.

I stared at the girl intently. "Of course I'm dead," I replied.

The girl laughed. "You don't even need me to kill you with this gun; you've been dead for a long time. You threw away your humanity because you were a coward and kept running away from your problems. You live on the run endlessly; how are you different from a brainless loser?" she taunted.

I, who was angry at her, then unconsciously walked over to her. Without hesitation, I pushed the girl until she fell off the skyscraper.

"Once a coward, always a coward!" The girl laughed mockingly, and her laughter became louder and more audible, even as she free-fell downward.