How My Life Was Ruined

014: To Protect Herself

I was on the rooftop. The cold wind rustled my hair.

With my eyes closed, I was thinking back on what had happened some moments ago.

I had jumped in without thinking much to save Ito Yua. It was definitely a good thing, right? That's what most people would think. But I was slightly unhappy with the way things had turned. What did I take action so swiftly for? The answer was those eyes. Those helpless eyes reminded me of her. I couldn't resist them and so I intervened immediately. But still...

Just then I heard the sound of the door to the rooftop opening. It was dark so I couldn't see the face but based on the silhouette they seemed to be a girl.

The girl closed the door and looked at me cautiously for a while and then walked towards me. I wasn't sure who she was until she came to stand by my side.

"What are you doing here? I told you to go back to your room, didn't I?" I asked in a strict voice.

"Y-Yes. I just...wanted to enjoy the breeze?" She answered, thinking of an answer on the spot.

"It's not summer. The wind is cold. You will get sick. Go back."

"But, then, why are you here? You might catch a cold as well." She asked.

"I want to catch a cold and get sick."

"Why?"

"So that I can skip school." It was not a lie. Given how things were proceeding it would be better if I could skip school somehow and avoid all this fuss.

She chuckled in response. I couldn't help but think that she sounded like a normal high school girl just now. Though I didn't say it aloud of course.

"I never thought you could think of such childish things." Well, it was true that elementary school kids generally thought of those things. But that doesn't mean grown-ups don't think along those lines. They have at least once thought and hoped that they would get sick so they could skip work. So, a high schooler having those thoughts couldn't be called childish. Yes, that's it.

The two of us continued to gaze at the nightlife of Tokyo in silence. The lights continued to flicker as far as the eye could see. It made me think if this city ever slept.

"You have stopped doing those stuff lately, haven't you?"

"Hmm? That's right, isn't it?"

"Why? The boys here don't satisfy you anymore?" I tried teasing her.

"That's not it!" She was sulking. "It's just that it didn't cross my mind at all."

"Hunh? What do you mean by that?"

"I...haven't been feeling like doing that sort of thing lately." She paused before completing her sentence.

I knew what she meant by 'lately'.

"You mean after you left the old school building that day?" She nodded her head.

I had been observing her myself and I recall Yamamoto saying similar stuff in class. That they hadn't seen any boys around Ito and it was likely she wasn't doing those stuff lately. It was right after the day we met in the old school building. I have been curious about why Yamamoto was informed about matters related to Ito. He even told me to keep my distance from her on my first day. It felt like it was more for the sake of Ito than it was for my sake. And today, in the cafeteria, I was able to glean that my guess was correct.

Hmm? I noticed that Ito was hugging herself tightly and rubbing her hands. It definitely was cold out here. I knew it would be cold so I had worn a windcheater before coming here. But as for Ito, she was wearing pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

I had a jacket with me and the girl beside me was feeling cold. Even if I were to give my windcheater to her, I think I would be able to withstand the cold, barely. I knew what I had to do. It was easy to guess.

So I pulled her close to me.

"Eek!" She squealed in surprise. "W-W-What are you doing?!"

"You were feeling cold, right? So I thought you will feel a little warm if I were to hug you."

"T-That's...You didn't have to hug me though." She squeezed out a meek response.

Although she made it clear that I didn't have to go as far as hugging her she made no effort in breaking free of my arms. I could feel her warmth transmitting directly into my body. I even forgot that it was cold outside. Her body was getting hotter by the moment.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yes." Her voice was feeble and she was looking down. She was making a circle with her feet. Looking at her behavior, I was a bit exasperated. It was strange after all.

"It doesn't make any sense," I said aloud.

"What?"

"Do you behave this way around other boys as well?" I asked.

"This way?" She didn't get it.

Is this girl dumb? Does she not realize? Do I have to point it out? I sighed.

"I mean, look at you. Your face is red and you are getting embarrassed when all I am doing is hugging you."

"Ooh!" She opened her mouth as if it had dawned on her just now.

"Do you feel this way when you have sex with the other boys as well?"

She didn't respond immediately. She was lost in her thoughts. Does she need to think that hard about it?

"I...don't..." She uttered those two words after much deliberation. She continued, "It's...strange. I don't feel anything when doing it with other people. But when it's you...I don't know why. Why do you think so?" She looked at me with a questioning gaze.

"How would I know?" It was she who was acting that way. There is no way I would know.  The quizzical look on her face was quite fascinating. I tried to tease her a little, "Does that mean that I am special?"

"Hmm? Maybe? I don't know." She wasn't sure. It was as if she was trying to excavate an unknown feeling that was buried deep within her.

"Umm..." She turned her head towards me. Her hair brushed against my cheek and the sweet fragrance tickled my nose.

"What's wrong?" It looked like she wanted to ask something but wasn't sure whether she should go with it or not. The struggle continued for a while and it seemed she had settled on asking me.

"About what you said earlier..."

Earlier? "Ah, I see." She probably meant what I had said to that senior in his room. I hadn't noticed but she had been listening in on our conversation. "You heard it all after all."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to." She apologized immediately.

"It's okay. But what about it?"

"The part when you said that I b-belonged to you..." I could feel her face getting hot. I was hugging her after all.

"Yeah? What of it?"

"W-what of it? I mean, like, did you really mean it?" She averted her eyes and started fidgeting.

I really didn't mean it. How easy it would be to say that. But when I looked at her eyes, I couldn't bring myself to say it. Come on, what the fuck's up with this?

"What? Did that make you happy?" Her eyes widened and I could see the embarrassment in those eyes even in this dark. Her reaction was cute. No one would ever expect Ito Yua to show such an expression.

Looking at her face, I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

Surprised that I had started laughing out of the blue, she asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"Nothing. Nothing." I looked into her eyes. "You can be cute sometimes, eh, Ito?"

Her eyes widened in surprise. Her body was getting warm which I could feel. Sensing her change in mood, I asked her, "What's wrong?"

"It's just that you are the first person to call me Ito."

It was now my turn to be surprised. "Are you serious?"

"I am serious." She said without missing a beat. Does that mean that she is speaking the truth? If so then, this is ridiculous. I mean, all her life till now, and I am still the first person to call her Ito? That pill was a bit hard to swallow for me.

Maybe she knew that I didn't believe her so she explained, "My mom used to call me by my name and there was a friend who used to address me by my first name as well. All the other people who I have met with or either slept with addressed me using You, You vile woman, My woman, You bitch, Yua-chan, and something along those lines. You are the first person to ever call me Ito." She laid out a part of her dark history without batting an eye.

Bitch, vile woman, these were not words of praise. Nor were those words that a normal girl should get addressed by. This spoke volumes of what sort of life she had lived up until now.

"I see." There was nothing more I could say. Nothing came to my mind that could be said to be a proper response. But if it was a question, then there was one in my mind.

"Why are you doing this?" Since I was holding her close to me, I could feel her trembling when I asked that question. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to," I said.

Every person has a dark history that they don't want other people to know. I was the same. So I could understand what Ito must be feeling right now.

With the hopes of getting an answer, I waited for some time. But there was no response, which was understandable. It was getting colder. Since it didn't seem that she would be responding I decided to head back to my room. I removed my hands from her shoulder. But immediately she grabbed it and wrapped my hands around her as if she didn't want me to let go. Her hands were trembling but her hold was strong. The strong desire to hold onto my hands overwhelmed me and I had my mouth agape.

"It's..." She began her answer, "...to protect myself."

"Ah."

I started to think about what those words meant. Ito Yua, who is infamous for going around having sex with every boy she meets, said that she did this all so she could protect herself. What does that mean?

She thinks that if she were to have sex with them and make them feel attracted, indebted, or have dirt on them, she could protect herself? Thinking about it, if you have dirt on someone then that someone won't try to agitate or anger you. You have that person wrapped around your fingers. If they try to do something, it will put them in danger of their secrets getting exposed. Is Ito following that logic? It seemed plausible. Then, it begged another question.

Who the hell put that idea in her head?

From what I heard Ito Yua had been indulging in these activities around middle school. Will a normal middle school girl get that sort of idea on her own? No. Absolutely not. There must have been some circumstances that must have forced her into this line of thinking. Even then, a middle school girl won't get such an idea all by herself. She either imitated someone close to her or someone put that idea into her head.

I wanted to know.

"Who was the idiot that put that idea into your head? Seems like that person was truly pathetic and immoral. I don't know who it was but I am sure that person wasn't sane. They were twisted, I bet."

A sudden force pushed me backward.

I looked at the only person who could have done so to me. And she was enraged. Her pupils dilating and her eyes bloodshot. Just as I had hoped she would.

"Don't you dare..." She began in a low, grumbling tone, and then her voice reached its peak. "Don't you dare speak such things about my mother!! What do you know? What my mom went through? She had to suffer all the time! For my sake! To protect me! You don't have the right to say anything about her!!!!" She screamed on top of her lungs.

Ah, that must have woken up at least a few in the dorms.

But I got the information that I wanted. So it was her mother.

Ito's breathing was ragged. She was breathing heavily. She was gasping for air. She was still looking at me with those eyes that seemed like it could murder me any moment.

"...Sorry. I didn't know anything about what your circumstances were. I shouldn't have said that. I truly am sorry."

I bowed my head solemnly.

Her expression changed. Her mouth was hung open, her face expressing that she had finally realized what she had done. In a violent outburst of emotion, she lashed at me. She knew that I was the cause of it all but it didn't change the fact that she vented all those pent-up emotions on me. Add to the fact that I didn't rebuke her but instead apologized to her. She must be being crushed by the guilt that I planted on her. She must be watering that plant as of now.

I silently walked past her and closed the door to the rooftop. She was still standing there, without so much as moving a muscle.

As the sounds of my footsteps reached my ear, I pulled my phone out of the pocket and dialed a number. Even though it was already late into the night, she picked up on the third ring.

"Sorry. Did I disturb you perhaps?"

"No, no. I was awake." She added. "But it sure surprised me that you called me." She was giggling.

"I want information about Ito Yua."

I didn't beat around the bush. There was a slight pause. "Oh my. Are you going to do something about Ito Yua?"

"Yes. I would like to save her. Just as you hoped I would." I sneered. It seemed that even through the phone she could make out what my face looked like as she told me not to curl my lips more.

"It's good and all but I hope what you are about to do isn't a small part in the grand scheme of things. Or is it?"

My words were stuck in my throat. They won't come out. My throat felt dry all of a sudden. I swallowed my saliva, again and again. But my throat went drier and drier.

"That was just a joke you know." In the end, her words managed to soothe my throat.

"Can I say something before I ask you for a favor? It might be something you don't want people saying to you but please let it slide and don't let it affect what I am about to ask after that."

"Oh my. Are you going to compliment me? Now I am fired up. Don't worry. Tell me."

"I hate you."

The silence that followed after was overwhelming. I felt that a long and loud beeping sound was being transmitted from the phone and my ears would bleed.

"Thank you."

Through the phone, I could imagine. I could imagine the sort of face that the old hag was probably making right now.

Those tender eyes - full of love, compassion, and kindness. Those lips curled up in a motherly smile. I really, really hated that part of her.