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How My Life Was Ruined 110: The Past - XIII
I continued to indulge myself in sex with the aim of forgetting the pain. Though I knew it wasn’t possible. There was no way to forget all that completely – just a momentary relief before all the pain came crashing down to crush me. But even though I knew all that, I continued to break myself further and further, driving myself to the point of no return.I wonder – was that actually what I really wanted? Although I didn’t admit to it, in my subconscious maybe that was exactly what I had been wanting and wishing for. To break myself where I won’t be able to redeem myself – where I won’t be able to forgive myself – where I can just laugh it off saying that there’s nothing I can do anymore – where the only option I have left would be to die.I don’t know what day it was but I remember the sky was black and cloudy. It had seemed like it would rain any moment in the morning but it didn’t rain at all. The clouds were just hanging there – as if their only purpose that day was from preventing
How My Life Was Ruined 111: The Past - XIV
Word of my doings had spread far and wide.Everyone in the school knew about the horrible things I had done. There was not a single soul who was not aware of it.They started hating me. Despising me. Nothing was surprising about that. What was surprising was the fact that word of my deeds hadn’t gone out of the school. It was as if what happened inside the school was somehow restrained within the small school walls.That was strange. I knew that there were no orders given by the principal and the school side to keep the matters within the confines of the school. After all, no one talked about it at school. It had become a sort of taboo subject. And that was why even though there were no such impositions on talking about it, it hadn’t spread outside of school. It shouldn’t have been that unusual for even one of the students to share the incident with their family members or friend circle outside of school. The fact it hadn’t was baffling though that didn’t concern me at all.After the
How My Life Was Ruined 112: The Past - XV
When I first saw Hayami, I was stunned into a profound silence.That was just how beautiful she was. For me at least.Her long and lustrous raven hair that shone brightly reflecting the serene light of the cloudless night moon and her pair of red eyes that captivated the soul of any who witnessed her - she looked like a witch set out to steal my heart - which she did of course.She was beautiful but not without scars.Like the moon with dark spots, her face and the region around her neck had bruises. Without taking my eyes off of her, my feet carried me closer and closer to where she was standing solemnly as if pulled by a magnetic force.As I gazed upon her from up close, an intense emotion swirled in my heart."Ah, I want to break her." That was what escaped my mouth and how I truly felt.Like how a certain flower makes you feel to want to nip it.Like how a certain painting makes you want to mess it up.Like how a certain shape of icicles makes you want to shatter it to pieces.Se
How My Life Was Ruined 113: Reunion
When I opened my eyes, what first entered my sight was a white ceiling.I wonder how many times it has already been.That white ceiling and this white room - it was as if there was a connection between us.No, I am not talking about my connection with the hospital. I will get to it later.What I am referring to now is the color white.Opposites attract - maybe that is the reason why I always find myself surrounded by white. Because I represent the polar opposite of white - black.My whole existence can be summed up and represented by a patch of one color - that is black. Since I am black, maybe that is why I always found myself in places with white color as if attracted by some invisible force. Every time I see white around me, it emboldens the feeling in me that I don't belong to this space and that I am a blotch to the world. It doesn't make me sad. Actually, it makes me feel happy that I had been right from the beginning.Coming to the topic of hospitals - it seems my relationship
How My Life Was Ruined 114: Unexpected Visitor
For the next two days, I spent time together with Hayami talking about our deranged past. Even though it was pathetic and laughable the past we shared together was something that belonged to us - that was a part of us. So no matter how piteous it was, recounting those moments made us feel nostalgic and happy. We continued to talk at length as if to fill in the gap that had formed between us for a year. We were trying to live the time we had lived apart from each other in just a few short days. We would continue to talk to each other until the side effects of the heavy medications kicked in and took me to sleep. Hayami stayed by my side and continued to nurse me. We both realized how ironic it was. I mean, she was nursing the person who was set to die in the not-so-far-off future. But, even then, she nursed me. It was something she hadn't done before and she had said she had always wanted to take care of a sick person. So, I let her nurse me. Though it wasn't as if I didn't feel good
How My Life Was Ruined 115: A Saint
"Huh?"Her face was saying that what I had said had completely gone over her head."That day, in Kyoto, I had seen that you were searching for something. I didn't know what it was back then but now I do. You were searching for Hayami."It all made sense now.The one who had said that she will find Hayami and bring her to me was Kaya. But she hadn't been able to find her and now, she had...died. Admitting that fact still made my stomach churn. She really is gone, isn't she?I signed despite myself.So, yeah, Kaya hadn't been able to find Hayami.So, why was Hayami here in front of me? Why had Hayami appeared before me on the roof that day? Connect the dots with the fact that Hamasaki had been searching for something - it all clicks into place. That day, and maybe even before that day, she had been searching for Hayami. And she had been successful as well which is easily proven by Hayami's presence before me. It wasn't that hard for her, I guess? After all, Hamasaki belonged to a wealth
How My Life Was Ruined 116: Back To Home
For the next two days, I stayed in the hospital where I was injected and made to swallow medicines that looked shady and somewhat scary. They looked like the pills that turned a human into monsters as depicted in movies. And seems like they were quite potent medications as the doctor and the nurse asked me how I was feeling every time I took them.I took medications, got nursed by Hayami, and also took walks with her to the park behind the hospital occasionally. The people around us always gave us weird looks as if what they were seeing didn't make any sense to them. Maybe they were bewildered by how happy we looked or maybe they were thinking how the hell did I manage to get such a beautiful girl. I basked in their amazement and spent my time with Hayami.After two days, all the preparations for my discharge had been already made. My belongings were all packed and I had changed from the blue hospital dress to a casual white t-shirt and blue jeans.As we were preparing to head out, so
How My Life Was Ruined 117: Words I Wanted to Hear The Most
By the time Hayami finished the tour to our house and we each took baths (separately of course), the sun had already set casting a dark veil of the night on the sky.It was 8 pm in the night. So, we decided it was time for dinner.Hayami waited at the dining table while I went to the kitchen to warm the food that Mochizuki-san had prepared for us.While the food was being heated, I brought out plates and placed them on the table and after ten short minutes, I served the food on the table.“Wow, this looks delicious,” Hayami muttered as she eyed all the dishes served on the plate. Even I felt that Mochizuki-san had made a bit too many dishes.Our dinner consisted of hakumai – steamed white rice mixed with mugi (barley) – with tsukudanai as toppings. We had miso soup for soup that included kombu, tofu, and shitake mushrooms which made for a rich flavor. For pickles, we had the vegetable and fruit medley of sanbaizu tsukemono and sunomono (vinegar-marinated vegetable).“Ugh, my stomach f
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