How My Life Was Ruined

110: The Past - XIII

I continued to indulge myself in sex with the aim of forgetting the pain. Though I knew it wasn’t possible. There was no way to forget all that completely – just a momentary relief before all the pain came crashing down to crush me. But even though I knew all that, I continued to break myself further and further, driving myself to the point of no return.

I wonder – was that actually what I really wanted? Although I didn’t admit to it, in my subconscious maybe that was exactly what I had been wanting and wishing for. To break myself where I won’t be able to redeem myself – where I won’t be able to forgive myself – where I can just laugh it off saying that there’s nothing I can do anymore – where the only option I have left would be to die.

I don’t know what day it was but I remember the sky was black and cloudy. It had seemed like it would rain any moment in the morning but it didn’t rain at all. The clouds were just hanging there – as if their only purpose that day was from preventing