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2024-08-25 00:46:00The facade of daylight slipped through the curtains just the way a shy child entered Phoebe's room. She was lying in bed, watching how the sunlight drew the patterns on the walls. Repeated in her mind were the events of the past few days: the entire incidents of Mary’s dream, every sobering and uplifting moment she spent with Sarah. The lake, the picnic, the terribly mundane, happy nothingness of just being in each other’s company was all so removed from the chaos she had fled.
A sigh escaped Phoebe lips as she turned upside down and saw Sarah was still asleep on the other side of the room. Immediately, She had not quite comprehended how much it was going to benefit her to have a break, companionship, and a friend who was more like a sister. Their rapport had strengthened over the couple of days, and the feeling of knowing each other for long years crept in.Not being able to put up with his coldness any longer, Phoebe got up carefully, not to wake Sarah up, and we
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After that, they traveled for several hours of shooting: from hilly country to deep woodlands to the vast steppe. Of course, they listened to the radio and danced, told funny jokes, and simply enjoyed the fact that the world around them is so beautiful. It was such a relief to have no plan, to just travel for the trip to be the purpose.They pulled into a diner; the bright light came from the walls that were covered with checkered linoleum and the neon signs blinked even in the midday. They called a diner and ordered milkshakes and burgers; they savored the relatively benign experience of a meal and camaraderie.There Phoebe and Sarah stayed in the booth drinking their milkshakes and as the night progresses Phoebe found herself telling Sarah a lot more information. The dreams that she was forced to leave behind whenever life became unbearable to bear were the topic of the day. She mentioned how she has plans to go travel, to go out there and explore the world. This
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Seth sat in his office looking at the distal minaret of the city through the window. Of course, the loneliness that has started since when Phoebe walked out of his life, it took months for him to experience the emptiness she left. However, in the intervals between business bustle and economic operations that his company presupposes, Seth comprehended that he has changed. He had always considered himself as a man of great mannerism and that he could never lose his cool even when things were going wrong. But it was the leaving of Phoebe that really left him destabilized. The heartbreak,the regret, the aching longing for phoebe all of it had struck him as harder than anything he could raise upon himself. He had many occasions where he lay awake at night worrying about the mistakes he made, the ways he discharged her, and the love he had wasted. Seth struggled to change his view but as the week become months he was able to view things from a different perspective. He began to realize
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They made time,they were discovering each other’s bodies like they were blind, touching each other gently. It took Seth by storm to realize that he could easily bare himself to this lady and that is Emma. He too had issues of intimacy, issues of attachment where he did not want anyone to get near him. Yet with someone like Emma it was not wrong. I felt like coming to my own home. Although Seth had gained much ground, he still had occasional periods of uncertainty. Now and then he would discover that he thought about Phoebe and wonder how things may have been if he hadn’t left her.He understood that he had once loved her with all his heart, all his soul and that he would always feel for her at least compassionate feelings. But he also remembered that they had had a toxic love, based on deep insecurities and distrust. Seth had to face these feelings if he was to be determined in developing a new life with Emma. the patient had talked to his therapist for several hours, about his con
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Phoebe relaxed on her couch, the day did not seem to be so bright as it was in the morning and the curtains were rather thin. The house, or what was left of it, was very silent and seemed to be abandoned compared to the lively life that the young girl had enjoyed together with Seth. For a moment she looked round as if she still could not fully reconcile herself to the situation. The walls had no pictures, the furniture was quite scanty, but it was her own. Her phone rang on the coffee table making her sit up with a start. The screen illuminated in Christian’s name. For some time, Phoebe looked at it, then after a second’s thinking, she picked the call.There was a flutter in her chest as she replied. ‘Hello Christian,’ she attempted to be friendly with him although her heart was really racing. “Phoebe, hi,” Christian’s voice was a cheerful welcome into the room. “I just wanted to really hear from you, it’s been a while, or am I catching you at a bad time.” ‘No, not at all,’ she
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A knock on the door interrupted her and brought her back from her imaginary world.Phoebe’s heart beat fast and as she moved towards the door the hand which she used to open, had the shake. She inhaled sharply before she was able to open it. That is the man they remember: standing in front of the camera, looking quite relaxed in jeans and light jacket with an overnight bag hooked over one shoulder. He smiled brightly with his two sharp eyes which were full of the same kind nature that she had always appreciated in him. “Hi, Phoebe,” Christian said to her, his voice was gentle but there was an undertone of affection in it. ‘Hello there’ Pheobe said to Christian and opened the door as wider as possible to allow him in. "Come on in." And as he walked into the apartment, the smell of his familiar cologne reached her nose, The kind of smell that remind one of happiness and vanished age of innocence. Christian placed his bag beside the door and then looked at her squarely in the eye, he
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Phoebe was trying to enjoy her glass of wine on the comfortable sofa in her apartment. Due to this, there were low rates of illumination, which only presented an amber hue to the room and there was the feeling that everyone was together in a small room. It was a harmless evening;Though she had not intended to get so intoxicated, the conversation between them had been engaging and, as they continued to talk, they had opened another bottle of wine, and then a third.Christian sat across from her, and positioned himself comfortably, with his arms rested behind the chair, while his gaze remained fixated on her face. He appeared to be calm, the strict formalism typical of him slightly blurred by the drink. It was Phoebe’s first encounter with his hair, a dark wavy hair which had qualities of a mop with this difference: some of it had fallen over his face especially his eyes, making him look like a schoolboy, a boy with a charm that made her feel something deep in within her she did not kn
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Phoebe shook her head, and a tear that had been trickling down her cheek reached her chin. “It’s not your fault, Christian. I just… I’m still trying to figure things out. My life is such a mess right now.”Christian nodded, and his face looked sad. “I understand that you have been through a lot and I do not want to make things worse for you.”Phoebe stared at him, relieved that he was the only one who seemed to comprehend. “Thank you,” she murmured, tears welling up in her eyes. “I just need some time.”Christian smiled gently and then he took her hand in his. “You take all the time you need, Phoebe, I am not going anywhere.”They remained motionless for a few minutes, and the hostility between them gradually gave way to a kind of camaraderie. Phoebe was glad that Christian was patient with her, glad that he had not lost his temper. He could have pushed her, could have attempted to make her kiss him, but he did not. But he had given her what she wanted, and that was more important to
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Phoebe woke up to the sound of the city early morning silence, still drowned by traffic noise: the world outside went on as always and as still Phoebe found herself imprisoned in limbo. Her head felt just a little sore as the result of the wine Christian had offered her the previous night. She yawned, turned over on her side, her glance flickering at the dim light that came in round the cotton curtains. The facts that she was recreating in her mind from the previous evening were too sharp, and that only made her feel more confused. Christian had been polite, non-aggressive and tolerant all the time. But, as she came to the sitting position and pulled the bedding to cover her chest, she felt guilty. Regret as a result of not being able to reciprocate the warm, loving feelings Christian gave. Guilt for the part of her heart that had never forgotten Seth; that had never let him go. She got out of the bed and felt the floor with her bare feet, as it was wooden; she then proceeded to the
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"What Regret"
“Regret,” she said with a sneer. Regret is just a euphemism for guilt. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t wipe the slate clean, and it definitely does not heal the mess that you made.‘Christian,’ she said softly, ‘don’t come any closer.’ He stopped, as she decided to step back from him.Phoebe flared up again and asked him: “You said you came for the truth?” “Fine. Here’s the truth, Christian. I loved you. With everything I had. And you destroyed me. You were able to make me question myself in ways that I never knew existed. And now you stand here, asking me for what? Closure? Redemption? Forgiveness?”“No,” he said firmly. All I am demanding is an opportunity to prove that I can improve.” That I am better.”She scoffed. “And you believe that one conversation is going to make a difference?” You think I can just what? Stare at you and forget the years I struggled to climb up the ladder and get a life again?“No,” he repeated again, and there was no quiver in his voice. “But I can’t
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Need You
Christian did not answer this for a while. He looked down, his hands were tightly bunched into fists at his sides. “I know it caused pain,” he said, his voice rising in a hoarse whisper. “I know I can’t undo that. But I can’t just let things be this way. Not anymore. If that means living with your hatred then let it be so.Phoebe only chuckled bitterly and began to pace in front of the fire. ‘Christian, you keep saying all the right things.’ Saying sorry, admitting my mistake, promising to take my anger on myself. But you don’t seem to understand. It’s not about you. Not anymore.”He stared at her with a frown on his face. “Then what is it about?”“It’s about me,” she said angrily, turning to him. ‘That’s about the years I’ve spent struggling to climb out of the pit you dug for me to fall into.’ It is about finding out how to be independent, how to live without the feeling that my chest is going to collapse. It’s about healing, or at least, about trying to put myself back together aft
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Phoebe shook her head, her arms wrapped around herself. “You don’t get it, Christian. Other people also had the same feeling as you; they were scared. I was terrified too. Of losing you, of not being good enough. But I stayed. I fought. And you didn’t.”“I know,” he said and his eyes welled up with tears. “And I hate myself for that. I wish I could have been stronger and did not leave when I did. But I’m here now, Phoebe. And I’m not running this time.”She glared at him and her eyes were red with rage, hurt and something else which she could not describe. “You say that now,” she whispered. But what happens when things get hard again? This begs the question, what happens when the cracks start to show?“They won’t,” he said firmly. “Because I’ve come to realize that running in particular does not solve anything. It just leaves a trail of broken pieces behind.”Phoebe only shook her head and a tear rolled down her face. She gently removed it as if she was embarrassed to show her weaknes
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“I’m confused”
It’s convenient. You were waiting until you felt I was ready and powerful enough to take the news. Until you thought I didn’t need you anymore.”“That is not true,” Christian said quickly, getting up, his voice a high pitched note. “I have been taking this guilt with me every day since I left.” I did not return because of convenience. I returned because I could not continue living such a life knowing that I destroyed something that was wonderful.Phoebe whirled on her toes, glaring. “And what about me? Have you ever thought what it feels like to wake up every day with the marks you have made on others? To have to break yourself down and begin to build yourself up again from scratch just to have the one who was responsible for tearing you down appear with an apology?”“I do now,” he said quietly. “Because I do, I see it in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. And I hate myself for being the reason it’s there.”She was breathing raggedly, her hands were balled up at her sides. “You don’t
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Either you believe or not
Christian sighed deeply and rested his hands on the table. “I am a man who wants to know how to accept what I have done. To challenge it, rather than avoiding it. To be able to admit that I can change the future but I can’t change the present and I can’t change the past.”Phoebe scoffed. ‘You really believe that taking responsibility is sufficient?’ You really believe that saying you were wrong in any of this makes it alright?”“No,” Christian said quickly. “It doesn’t make it okay. Nothing can make it okay. But it’s a start, isn’t it? A step toward being better. Towards becoming a person who does not destroy things.”Phoebe looked at her sister with her face impassive and then shook her head. “You want to be better? Good for you. But you don’t get to use me as your redemption arc. I am not some check-point on your way to self-improvement.”“I’m not asking you to be,” Christian said, his voice quiet, but commanding. I don’t need your forgiveness or your approval for anything I am doin
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Lingering pain
“Phoebe,” he started cautiously, “I’m not here to put more load on you regarding this.” I know you didn’t want any of this and I’m not going to say that I’m so great for coming here now. But I’ve been attempting to take responsibility for my actions. And part of that means realizing how much I caused you pain.”Phoebe’s lips formed, her arms drawn tightly around her in the manner of a shield. “It does not heal the wound, Christian.” Oh do you think that knowing you regret it will give me back the time I lost? The trust I lost? The parts of me that had to be reconstructed?”“No,” replied Christian, who now looked ashamed. “I don’t. And I’m not asking you to forget what I did or even forgive me. I just had to tell you that… I can see it now. I can now understand how self-centered I was and how unable to notice your suffering.She tilted her head to the side, her mouth tightening as she looked out the window and saw the rain running down the glass. “Blind, huh?” she said with much bitter
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All about Phoebe
Phoebe went back to the fire, her hands folding over her chest. For what seemed like a long time she did not respond. The fire crackled in the background, and its heat was the only thing that made the atmosphere between them warm.“What do you want from me, Christian?” she asked after a long time her voice was so low that it was barely audible.“Nothing,” he said quickly. “I don’t want anything from you. I just… I had to share it with you because it is the truth. To say sorry and let you understand that I noticed your suffering. That I see you.”Phoebe only managed to stifle a sarcastic laugh. “You see me now? That’s rich. Where was this clarity two years ago?”Christian moved a little closer and spoke slowly and calmly as if he was pleading with her. I was blind back then Phoebe.” As if the rest of the world does not exist, or, at least, I don’t exist to the rest of the world. But now… now I see everything I should have seen before. I understand how powerful you are, how much you inv
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Get rewarded
“Sorry isn’t enough,” said Phoebe, tears rolling down her cheeks. “They think they can just come out and apologize and that’s the end of it.”“I’m not expecting that,” Christian said quickly. I know that I can never reverse the wrong I have done. But I had to tell you. I had to stop bringing this with me without doing something about it.”Phoebe exhaled hard and then rested her weight against the windowsill. “Well, did you even know what you left behind?” “How much I had to tidy up after you?”“I’ve thought about it,” Christian said, softly. “But I know that thinking about it isn’t the same as living it. I still can’t fathom how difficult it must have been for you.”Phoebe looked at her and shook her head, fuming again. “And you didn’t just hurt me, Christian.” You made me doubt, everything, including us, including myself. I used so much time thinking why am I not enough. Why I couldn’t repair whatever was ailing you.”Christian cringed as if the words that came out of her mouth had h
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Another Game
One part of him wanted to kick Christian out, shut the door and never see him again. But there was another part, a lesser, more contemplative part of him that was interesting. What if Christian really had transformed? What if this wasn’t just another one of his games?“Alright,” Phoebe said in the end, the word coming out sounding more like a bitter grumble. “You want to talk? Talk. ‘I’m not making any guarantees here,’ I tell him.Christian nodded and his shoulders dropped down as well. He looked around the room, and then looked at the couch. “Do you mind if we sit?”Phoebe frowned, then reluctantly gestured at the couch with a nod. He stayed on his feet, leaning with his arms folded against the wall, a defensive air about him.Christian leaned back on the couch, placing his elbows on his knees and his hands on top of each other. He looked at the floor for a moment with a blank face, then he said something.“I know I hurt you. And not just once—repeatedly. You wanted to help me and I
