The Seed of Life

Lost

“Where am I now?”

That question kept echoing in my head.

This horrific sight was something I never thought I'd see after so much pain I’ve been enduring, just to get up here.

Watching this horror, my hope of seeing a new, bigger, and more beautiful world was shattered instantly. Even if I found the most beautiful place I could imagine, I would not be able to shake off my fear of this ​​terror that lay before me.

In short, this horror would be etched in my memory forever.

But of course, I couldn't just stay there. To distract myself from that terror, I tried to gather my motivation back.

Right, I still didn't know where the light up there came from. I still believe that I could find the place that I was aching to look for, if I continued my journey, following that trace of light.

I didn't know if I tried too hard to push myself or not. But I knew that I was trying my very best just to forget the nightmare-like sight I have just seen.

With that, I turned my face away, refusing to accept that harsh reality. Then, once again, I flapped my wings to continue my journey while hoping that there will be something beautiful beyond that light.

-

Over time, I began to get used to my wings. Although the process to reach this stage was not easy, I slowly began to feel that my wings had become one with me.

Perhaps this was my instinct. I wondered, did creatures like me out there have the same instinct to fly out of their shells just like mine?

At that time, I still didn't know what the answer was. But I was sure that I would get the answer, once I finished my journey.

But… this journey seemed never found its ending.

I got to the point where I was tired of moving my wings. All the pain that had previously disappeared from my body, now alighted again for the second time, with even greater intensity.

It felt like my whole body was throbbing rapidly. Be it my head, my chest, my wings, my arms, even my feet.

This seemed to be the side effect of forcing myself beyond my limit.

I looked down. I've flown far enough, and the ocean of ​​eggs beneath seemed to be out of my sight. However, instead of being relieved, it made me even more panicked.

I mean, how couldn't I? If I let my guard down and lost my balance, I would fall from an unimaginable height. If that were going to happen, then my journey would be coming to an end.

Felt that I’d looked down enough, I then raised my head to see the light that was coming from above. So bright! The light was blindly dazzling!

This was the first time I've looked at the light source directly from up here.

When I flew through this beam of light, I never looked directly to make sure that my body didn't lose its balance.

Then, if the light was this bright, why did I feel that the distance between me and the light was still nowhere near close? I began to doubt myself that I could see what lay beyond the light.

But I had no other choice than to keep flying above while hoping that what I was thinking was wrong.

Fatigue and soreness continue to rain down on me mercilessly, to the point where I felt that the slightest mistake could make me lose my balance, and managed to fall into the bottomless ocean of eggs.

But still, I felt that the distance between me and the light never decreased. It grew brighter but never drew near.

Indeed, I was a coward. The thought of giving up and choosing not to accept the freedom that was given to me, resurfaced. 

It was the first time I thought that letting go of your pain and being "crushed" was much better than continue adding pain to an already painful journey.

My desire to give up was getting stronger and it terrified me. It just felt like I wanted to close my eyes, relaxed my whole body, stop moving my wings, and just accept my death.

But that thought quickly evaporated after I noticed something odd not far from me. It looked like a landmass clinging to a tall rock wall—a cliff.

I quickly flew over to the cliff and threw my body to the ground. All my strength seemed to be squeezed by something invisible, leaving only my exhausted body.

Flying beyond that light could wait, I thought. My priority back then was to rest my body that has ran out of energy.

I walked along the path on this cliff. It seemed like this cliff was connected to a large horizontal hole, in another word, an entrance to a cave. I tried to go inside and found a solid rocky wall to lean against.

This journey was indeed a really tiring and very exhausting one. But somehow, this fatigue and pain made me feel "alive".

If I had to choose between staying alone inside an eggshell and this exhausting freedom, I would always choose the second option. 

But somehow, there were so many uncertainties running through my head.

While resting my body, I closed my eyes for a while and tried to rethink every decision I had made.

First, I decided to go up here based on instinct alone. I didn't know if it was a collective instinct shared by all creatures of my kind or just an instinct that was unique to me.

If this instinct was unique to me, I still didn't know if it was right or wrong. Was I not supposed to leave that place? Oh no, if that was the right thing to do, then that wouldn't explain the two wings on my back.

Then, with this beautiful pair of wings, where should I go? It was almost impossible to go anywhere down there due to the lack of lighting.

The only thing that lured me away was the source of light shining from above. Then really, what was the light for, if not to guide me—and perhaps others—to fly upwards?

Surely the choice I made was the right one, right?

… Right?

I didn't know. Maybe what I did was nothing more than a justification for my doubts. But I couldn't help but doubt even more.

"If my decision to leave that place was the right one, then where should I go?"

“Should I keep flying until I finally reach the light above, or should I enter this cave instead?”

The more I think, the more I questioned myself and everything. Even the fact that I, who was an infant, was gifted with the capability to think logically like this alone was terrifying to me.

Questions like "where am I now, who I really am, where should I go, and why am I alone here" were floating around my head at that time.

The lack of a definite answer left me uncertain, while constantly feeling like I was in the midst of right and wrong while being filled with anxieties.

Damnit.

I came to rest and to relax my body for a while, not to make me more tired by having to think about this and that. Maybe it was better to clear my mind and let things flow as they did.

"Maybe… it was the best decision."

With that, I tried to put aside all the things that weighed on my mind first. I tried to remember the sensation of myself still sleeping in the egg—empty, and weightless.

It worked. Gradually, I began to forget the physical and mental burdens that were eating away at my entire body. But I shouldn't sink too deep into the pleasure. I was afraid that if I overdid it, I might return to my helpless state.

“I… can't… sleep.” I thought, trying to stay awake.

Then, the world seemed to be answering my prayers—in a displeasing way, with a very loud noise that was coming from somewhere.

The noise sounded like the sound of something hard and solid, being dropped from an incredible height, causing it to be shattered and broke apart.

I covered my ears which were not used to the noise. Truly, this voice was an unbearable blessing. It stings my ears, but at least it could keep me from falling asleep.

Then, I had to check where the noise came from and what was causing the noise.

As for the first problem, I didn't think it was a big deal because its loud noise made it easy to guess where it came from—the cave entrance.

My body started to feel better after a little rest, so I could move my body easily. I wondered, what exactly caused the noise? But I couldn't think of any single answer.

Finally, I arrived at the entrance of the cave.

“What is this…." Whatever was in front of me at that time, really left me speechless.

An egg.

It was the same egg I was in. But the shape was no longer intact.

The egg was broken apart and made the liquid inside the egg gushed everywhere.

"Don't tell me…" all of these things simply lead me to a single guess. The egg was dropped from above from where the light was. If that was true, could it be that all the eggs down there—including mine—came from above?

Were they all dropped in the same way, just like what I saw back then?

"Help me…"

Still not recovering from my shock, I was surprised again after hearing a pitiful sound coming from inside the broken egg.

I didn't know why, but I could understand the words of the creature inside the egg clearly. But unlike other voices, the voice of that figure seemed to pierce straight into my head, rather than into my ears.

Curious, I approached the egg slowly.

I removed the egg fragments covering the broken egg, so I could see the creature inside clearly. However, I immediately gave up when I saw it.

The creature who spoke was nothing more than a lump of flesh with a sticky liquid that welled up his body.

“Help… me…” the figure channeled its cry straight into my head as if asking me to help it.

However, I could only remain silent. What was this feeling? Fear? Pity? Disgust?

I was a little slow to realize it. However, after I connected all the clues I saw—the sound of the egg breaking and the imperfect lump of meat—I found the answer.

It was a creature that was supposed to be of the same kind as me. But because it hatched prematurely—probably because the eggs fell in the wrong place and the wrong time, it turned into this abomination.

Then, a lot of questions popped up in my head.

Why did it end up like this in the first place?

Just how many unlucky creatures out there ended up horribly like the abomination in front of me? How many creatures like me who didn’t make it out alive?

"It could’ve been me, right?"

That's how I feel when I saw the poor creature in front of me—who looked exactly like me—in a shapeless and disgusting state. I could not even tell the difference between its head and its body. It was neither solid nor liquid, it was… a pure abomination.

However, I was more sickened by the fact that I could have ended up the same as it, had if I wasn't lucky enough to survive.

“P-please… help…” the lump of flesh wrapped its no-longer-recognizable hand around my leg.

Surprised, I shouted and took a few steps back. Wandering too long in my thoughts, I didn't notice that the lump of flesh was starting to creep out of its shell.

The figure crept towards me, expecting me to help it. However, just what could I do? Even at this point, I didn't get the slightest bit of empathy.

All I felt was fear. The fear of ending up like it made me turn around and ran away from it.

"H…elp…"

I forced myself to ignore its shrill voice and ran away from it as fast as I could. But still, its pathetic voice echoed in my head.

I know that was wrong.

I know that was selfish.

But I was afraid, and my fear made me prioritize myself above everything. I kept running and running without ever looking back.

I knew that it was trying to follow me. I knew that it asked for my help. I knew that very well. I knew. But what could I do!?

Was it my fault that it ended up horribly!? No, it's not my fault. Then whose fault? Who exactly was responsible for all this!?

Who was responsible for my suffering and that thing’s suffering!?

Without me knowing, my foot slipped and I fell to the ground. My body hurt, but the confusion and fear in my head surpassed any pain I had ever felt.

This sense of confusion, got me lost in the questions.