How My Life Was Ruined

005: I Hate You

The girl on my left, Ito Yua (I finally knew her name), didn't change her actions. She was still looking at me frequently. And whenever I turned to look at her she either averted her gaze, buried her face in her books, or went out of the classroom altogether.

But there was a significant difference in the meaning behind her glances. The look she had in her eyes was different from how it used to be. Somehow she looked curious about me. She seemed like she wanted to say something but whenever she made her mind something pulled her back. It was definitely what I had asked her yesterday. Have you ever thought of killing yourself?

I shouldn't have said that. But what's said was said. Nothing I could do about it now.

The strange atmosphere around her was noticed by people around me as well. Nakamura Yui, looking at Ito, murmured to herself, "I wonder what happened to her?" Then she shot me a look. I pretended I didn't see that and instead kept looking ahead.

"Hey," Ah, she had to ask. "Did you do something?"

"Why would you assume that?"

"I mean she has been throwing those looks at you since yesterday. It is natural to suspect that you have something to do with her change in behavior. At the very least, you should know." She reasoned.

Instead of answering her question, I asked a question of my own, "Then what if I did something?"

She didn't respond immediately. She must not have expected that question. I side-eyed her. She was thinking of an answer.

"I...don't know." She said honestly. Then added again, "But if it isn't something that bad and you will learn from your mistake and never do something like that again then I might forgive you. Someone who learns from his/her mistake is a good person after all." She smiled as she said that.

Forgive?

That's the word I think I hate the most.

I hate people who forgive others. Because someone who forgives others despite their deeds is a kind person. And I hate kind people. They forgive everything, they accept everything. Because that's what a kind person does. A kind person may even forgive me and they may even accept me. Someone like me. That's why I hate them. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate them.

"Hmm? What's wrong, Kageyama-kun? Why are you silent all of a sudden?" She peeked at my face.

"Nothing," I replied. "But why did you assume that I did something bad?" I asked her.

"It was just an 'if' story, 'if'!" She said, waving her hands.

Maki then entered the class and the homeroom started.

Without anything major happening, the homeroom ended and Maki was about to leave the class, "Ah, Kageyama, you are called to the Director's room. Follow me."

Director? That old hag? She hasn't contacted me ever since I enrolled her, has she?

I stood up from my seat and silently followed Maki. She didn't say anything nor did I.

The Director's room was on the top floor of the building. Just on the left side was the staff room. Maki pointed at the big wooden door at the end of the hallway before entering the staff room.

I knocked twice on the door. "Come in." Replied a voice from the other side of the door. I turned the knob and entered the room.

In front of me was a big wooden table, which was definitely not your cheap furniture. There were drawers on both sides of the table which contained many files. On the black revolving chair, sat the Director of Asuka High School, Furukawa Maya.

"How have you been, Kageyama-kun?" She said in her motherly tone.

"At least I am alive, unfortunately," I replied.

"How fortunate, indeed." She said while she smiling with her eyes closed.

"What do you want from me?" I asked her, not wanting to drag this conversation on longer than necessary.

"Nothing important. I just wanted to check up on how you were doing. How's the class? Did you make new friends? How was the dorm?" She asked those questions as if I were her own grandson. Which, of course, I wasn't.

"Boring." I said and then corrected, "No. Suffocating." That was my honest feeling.

"I see." Even with my curt answer, she hadn't as much twitched her brow. She was someone I was bad at dealing with, naturally. "Do you have something you want to say?" It seemed like that was all she had wanted to ask of me.

Did I have something to ask of her? I had. Few, in fact.

"Can I move out of the dorm?" I asked my first question.

"Why?" She finally opened her eyes.

"I don't feel like living here. It's suffocating."

"I see." She clasped her hands together in front of her. "Where will you live then?"

"I will rent an apartment."

"Do you have the money for that?"

I did not. "I will have 'that woman' buy it for me."

That was the first time this whole while, that she showed an amusing reaction. "Are you sure you want to live using her money?"

I snorted in response. "Of course not." Like I would. I would rather die. "I will ask 'that woman' to hand over my father's money. That's all. I have that right."

"Fufu. I see." She laughed lightly. "Indeed that might be a way. But what about your living expenses. That money will run out one day or the other."

"I will work part-time." She opened her mouth as she was surprised by my answer but seemed happy nonetheless.

After nodding to herself several times, she spoke, "Okay. I am fine with that. But I want you to stay here for at least the next month."

Next month? Second-year will be almost over next month. Meaning I had to stay in this dorm till I became a third-year student. That was fine by me. But...

"Why?"

"Think of it as a condition for accepting your proposal." Was there a meaning to it? Or was there not? Either way, she didn't seem like she would answer that question.

This matter was settled. Now on to the next question. "What the hell is this dorm?"

"Ho? What do you mean by that?"

"Is it some sort of facility to gather all sorts of trouble-makers?"

She laughed lightly at my question. "I see. So you have already met Ito Yua." She declared as if it was obvious. "She also has some sort of past. I mean, everyone has." She looked serious as she said that. For a moment she looked lost in thought. "But fret not, it's not what you have assumed. It will be more than troublesome if I had to handle more students like you."

"Is that so." I had asked that question just out of mere curiosity. Nothing more.

"You have already met Ito Yua, right?" She asked.

"Yes."

"I see." She looked straight at me as she posed her next question. "What do you think of her? Do you want to save her?"

"Save?" I had no way of confirming but I must have had a cynical smile as I said that. "Don't make me laugh. I plan to do nothing. But, well, let's see...if I do decide to do something then rather than save I think I might violate her."

She was expressionless. I couldn't read what she was thinking at all. Tsk. I clicked my tongue inside my mind.

"Do you have anything more you want to ask?"

"No. That's all." I had nothing more to ask. I walked towards the entrance and opened the door.

No. I actually had one more thing to ask. A question I have asked her countless times. A question I will continue to ask her. Again and again.

"Hey, why did you save me?"

The room was silent. The sound of the fan whirring was the only sound that could be heard. Furukawa Maya, opened her eyes and then answered simply, with a smile, "That's because I am a kind person, no?"

There was no arrogance. No sense of superiority. No sense of accomplishment. Not a shred of pride nor was there any ulterior motive. There was no falsity.

It was a fact. It was the truth. Like how the morning comes every day after night. Like how the river never stops flowing. Like how spring comes after winter. Like how someone who gets borns, dies for sure.

I said nothing and closed the door behind me.

Yes, I know. She was kind. Kinder than this cruel world. More forgiving than this exacting world. I knew that. Everyone who knew her knew that.

And that is exactly why...I hate her.