Kandi and Armein

Chapter 3. Armein Asks for Impossible

My sorrowful moment did not reveal my relationship with Binar. Our managers are the best in their field. The only thing that Simon's great office couldn't do for me was to get rid of the bedtime headache that had plagued me since Nana left.

Simon's pile of itineraries diverted my sorrow; though the pain in my chest seemed impossible to cure. Without Nana, I have less reason to work hard. Making my parents and Carra happy, that's one. The next reason was to make Binar proud of me and love me more. But loving Binar was not easy from our "prison." I have to accept the harsh reality of how expensive it is to love Binar the way I want. It's not about money, but the pain I have to endure from these celebrity shackles just to keep enjoying time with Binar.

"We need a vacation, just the two of us, Meinci..." Binar suggested once in a while, especially when he’s cuddling up in my lap. I laughed at his suggestion, Binar also laughed, cute.

"How?" I asked. Then we suddenly stopped laughing. Our regular sad pause, hit by our most real reality. It is inconceivable how big the logistical consequences must be elaborated by both of our managers if we force a vacation together. To any part of the world, to any corner of this earth, without the public knowing. It's impossible. We want the impossible. All the money we both have can't even afford the freedom of a simple vacation for just the two of us.

This is what Nana once told me; about life choices that are not black and white or good and bad, but which ones soothe our souls the most when living them, or which ones have less painful consequences. All the consequences are when we choose a certain color and are not strong enough to bear other people's judgment about the color we choose.

            "Let me bathe my soul in colors, let me swallow the sunset and drink the rainbow…"

- Khalil Gibran

For me, being famous and having a lot of money to do many things or to buy a lot of things that I couldn't in my childhood was the only option. Nana once asked me, does making everyone recognize me, screaming my name when they see me, and getting thunderous applause after every performance will make my life calm and peaceful? And that time, I nod firmly. I was so sure it would make me happy.

Maybe it was my affirmation that made Nana willingly let me live in the city alone and become a popular singer known to many people. To get what I want, I pawn everything; my freedom, my days, my privacy. I train hard just to master songs and stages; practicing in the mirror how my body and face can make my fans and audiences fall in love with me and want me badly.

I do not tolerate failure in my every step. When my target is not achieved, it means I have to reduce my sleep hours and work harder. Refrain from eating the food I like, because it will make me fat or my stomach won't be "six packs" anymore; or make my skin break out. I have to go to bed with a smoothing and toning mask on my face, wake up to drink lots of water and vitamins, exercise before doing a lot of body, hair, and facial skin care. Then the remaining time before bed I use to write songs, practice singing and dancing, and do recordings, photo sessions, and so on.

I've paid for the rise of my career with hard work without a single second of freedom. In particular of spending time with Binar which is I can only do it between work hours, between work and business. We are stealing time, wasting even more time fabricating serious lies that must be swallowed up by the public in order to secure our sources of money.

"My Nana also died on the second day of my concert in Tokyo. Maybe that's what I pay to be an Asian artist who is always invited to Cannes?" said Binar sarcastically. He saw that I didn't smile at his evil joke. He knows I can't. Binar then brought his head closer and kissed me. I closed my eyes feeling his warm kiss on my cheek. Usually it will move dimensions, make me forget everything, and pour out my blind love for him every time those sexy lips kiss my body on any spot. But this time I was silent and unmoved. Somehow my brain accepts Binar's bitter words as accusations that must be immediately rejected or refuted. Therefore, my sense is torpid.

For the first time, I did not like Binar's words. I felt beaten by his words badly. What can be heard clearly from Binar's words is that all my world tours, concerts, and photo shoots in various parts of the world have killed my Nana. I didn't pay for my fame with the deaths of Dada and Nana. No. I denied that.

Carra, my sister, has also made such accusations. She thought that I had been possessed by selfishness so severe that I often forgot about Nana and Dada, Papa and Mama. If it wasn't my sister by blood, I might have asked Simon's men to take care of that evil mouth. Because it's not true in my opinion. I'm not ignoring Nana and Dada. I guess, I didn't ignore Papa and Mama either; I put all their interests and needs first. All the money I get, I use to make them happy first before I satisfy my shopping desires.

I bought everything that most parents want from their child when their child has a lot of money. I want them to be proud of everything they have as something I gave them. I want to be considered as the eldest son who is good, useful, generous, dignified as the pride of the family, and respected; because I made all my family members have everything. I want Nana and Dada to be proud of me because their grandson is successful and gave them a new house and expensive car. But to this day, I never know if Nana and Dada are proud of me.

In addition to house, car, and money, I send them VVIP tickets to my show or gifts that I thought will make Mama, Papa, and Carra happy. But apparently, that wasn't enough. They also need my presence with them; dinners, outings, and family functions which I find very difficult to fulfill because of my hectic work schedule. How can I fulfill it?

If I don't work hard and follow Simon's tight schedule, then there won't be as much money flowing in as they need. This very tough job also created inner conflicts for both my parents and Carra. They are grateful for the results, but do not really like the way I work.

Moreover, if social media reported bad things about me, Mama would immediately contact me and protest loudly. I never took it to heart, because they were tantamount to all the hate speech that rained down on me every day from people I didn't know, passing through Simon's sieve. My manager always said that I should see all the compliments and expressions of love sent by my fans. It's much more than malicious messages, slander, and all that hate, Simon said.

Reading all those negative things will lower my mentality and will automatically have an impact on my stamina and the quality of my work. Because of that, I was restricted by Simon to read all of that. I am only reading praises and all that is well, which cheered me on and made me more passionate about producing music and running all my concerts. So, I ignored Mama, Papa, and Carra's protests against those hate rumors too. I reasoned that my cell phone was always in Simon's hand.

That reasoning is not entirely wrong. If it's just Mama's objections to my dress or dance moves at concerts, it never pisses me off. I would just respond 'OK, Mama!', worship her, and smile. That is enough. But if Mama, Papa, or Carra found a gossip article about my closeness to Binar, I couldn't stand the sound of their voices holding back their cries of disappointment. “Armein… you….are… a…..gay?”

"Simon said you should take Hanun to the Most Influential Artist award this Saturday? What do you want to wear?" asked Binar. Simon arranged in such a way that Hanun, appeared to be my girlfriend. I don't love her, nor do I enjoy any of those non-free and unnatural togetherness. Even so, Carra said that Hanun really loves it. Poor girl. I don't hate her, and in the videos or photos that are scattered around, Hanun makes me look sexier. So, I didn't refuse to be paired up with her to satisfy the paparazzi who were after us both… mainly to appease Simon, Mama, and Papa.

It's easier for them to laugh at the gossip about me and Binar, if they know that their son publicly proves to like a beautiful and almost as famous woman. However, that is not fair. Moreover, I know very well that Binar doesn't like her.

As a singer and soap opera star whose seductive voice melts the hearts of many girls, Binar is also often paired up with several other female artists. But because he is often an ambassador for religious products, Binar often displays an unobtrusive attitude and calls all the female celebrities he is paired with as "good friends."

There are thousands of photos and videos that are distributed to the public about his manly togetherness with the beautiful women. I'm not the least bit jealous or bothered by any of that. It's all about business. Binar admitted to me that he didn't really enjoy his role.

"I don't like touching them. It’s only hard work for me. Moreover, I'm afraid to hurt your feelings Meinchi..." he explained.

But I am the villain between the two of us. Because Simon wanted to portray me as a straight, flamboyant man who’s adored and admired by many, and who had to look manly and "irresistible," he said. Therefore, I had to let the public accuse me and think that Hanun was indeed my lover, which I didn't admit verbally. I put my arm around her waist in front of the paparazzi, or just held her hand, touched and parted her hair a little, or stared at her for 10 seconds like someone in love. That's the manual Simon gave me. Let the paparazzi party with the photos they think are candid, and write lots of romantic stories about me and Hanun. Only one thing I would never do, is call Hanun a lover or make a false confession that I love her. That's the condition that Binar gave me for all the scenarios that Simon and I prepared for Hanun.

Binar proves his love for me by not getting angry or jealous every time a photo or video of me and Hanun appears in the mass media. He's that smart and cunning. He knew for sure that he was the only one who made me happy and at ease. Binar is my asylum; an oasis in my life.

"Remember The Vanity that took a photo of us swapping jackets on the Steven Show? Then wrote the title 'More than Best Friends' with a question mark and a heart symbol on it? I tore it up and framed it. I put it on the wall in my private bathroom!" he said once.

I laughed hearing that. I held his athletic body in my arms, I didn't want to let him go for the rest of my life. Simon sometimes shows disapproval of Binar, especially when he finds out that Binar managed to infiltrate my apartment to stay the night. My personal bodyguard, Erron, often whispered to me that Simon was actually jealous. Simon wants me to love him, and not Binar. But I can't do that, because I don't want to ruin anyone's household. Simon's wife is a good woman, who reminds me of Nana. I don't want to hurt Simon's wife. After all, how could I choose Simon over the well-sculptured Binar with his angelic face?

"What if the guy who cleans your bathroom takes a picture of it and sends it to the gossip reporters?" I asked with my lips well pressed to his earlobe. Binar flinched in amusement as he replied, "I'll kill him."

I've never felt the security and peace that accompanies my fame other than with Binar. This beautiful young man made me feel that I had made the right decision all along. As I remembered what my Dada said about happiness; my happiness to become a star must be sufficiently paid by my hardships that I can't freely show the public who's my real lover.

It's okay, I can live like this; languish and be imprisoned in my fame. As long as Binar can be with me every now and then, even if we have to do it in a tightly closed room, which we have checked all corners; no hidden cameras, recorders, or anything else.

My hidden moments with Binar are my laughter and happy breaths as payment for the tears that are boiling in my chest, every time I am faced with the fact that my freedom--to act and travel wherever I want--has been lost because of my fame. I silently prayed fervently, to God of course. Asking Him to give me the warmth of love and company with Binar as long as possible, as long as I'm still breathing. That's all I want, there are no more Nana and Dada in this world, what else do I want?

Ah, yes… I wish I could travel wherever Binar and I could go without being followed by paparazzi. If only it wasn't impossible. Wanting something impossible for someone who according to the world has everything, feels like irony eroding your soul bit by bit. With your ability to buy a lot of expensive things in this world, there's one thing you couldn't buy even if you try to trade your soul to a devil himself; miracle...