Kandi and Armein

Chapter 4. Kandi’s Mistake

My name is Kandi, I am a damshii. Most human call a damshii like me as a miracle. I live to serve one specially chosen human as his or her good karma. Langit and Ray are my children. I shouldn't have them; damshii should not second his chosen human. My children are proof of my guilt as damshii; proof that I'm a bad damshii.

Langit loves to play with fine hair in my arms. He stroked the golden hair on my arm before going to sleep. When eating together, or letting me feed him berries, he would look me in the eye, open his mouth whenever asked, and chew with a happy glint in his eyes. His hands will caress the fine hairs on my arms. Unlike Ray; her older sister who hangs on to my bedtime song, Langit needs nothing more to sleep well than the fine hairs on my arms. He called it 'Haru'… Ray often mocked his little brother's habit, but I would definitely rebuke her.

Anyway, I want Ray to learn to respect differences. That all creatures have their own shortcomings and weaknesses; and there are some creatures who do not look weak, because their weaknesses are hidden. Likewise, creatures whose obviously weak, actually hide their strengths, and they could be greater than the strengths of other creatures who visually look strong.

Ray also be forbidden to say 'weird' to any strange creature he encountered. Weird is a very selfish word. Everyone becomes strange simply because they are not known or understood by those around them. Why does your ignorance or your inability to understand what appears to give you the right to call it "weird"?

Why is it not enough to just be opinionated in the heart, then accompanied by a request to God The Most Knowing; to make you smarter and no longer feel strange? To me, the word "weird" means the same as confessing "I don't know" or "I don't understand," but with a judgmental tendency. If you don't know, you should just admit it, and don't be arrogant with your ignorance by calling things as weird.

"Do you think mom is weird?" I asked. Ray shook her head.

"Other mothers who never dance when the full moon appears, or who can't suddenly disappear from your side when you're holding her hand, then appear suddenly too; they're the weird ones!" humored Ray a bit sarcastic. I gave her an angry look.

"Ooops, sorry, Mom… I mean…." Ray tried to correct her opinion. But I knew exactly what she meant, and I left her laughing and didn't continue her sentence. Let her think things through, and there's no need for her to say anything she doesn't want to say. I was wrong too, I shouldn't have had to confront my disapproval of her answer, even with the look in my eyes. There was no need today for Ray to understand everything. One day she will understand, and then I will be happy to see her do it.

Something once told me that not all questions you can demand answers to. Even if you really want an answer, you can ask for it, but you can't demand an answer. Some important questions in life will be answered by themselves in their own time. One day she will say it too if she feels the need to say it.

Agreeing on what was on my mind, I hugged Ray and Langit. One each on my right and left. My eyes wandered away from the ceiling of our house, darting into a pillar in front of our room with an eagle craved on it. It’s Razan's. He is the man I served one fullmoon ago, and just because I couldn't bear to leave my Langit—which was sick with fever from playing kites a lot—I had let the man consume the water in the stem of a plant in the middle of the forest which turned out to be poisonous until he lost his life.

That chosen man I should protect from all harm, including from getting lost or thirsty. He followed a very rare one-horned deer into the forest, without hesitation. Of course, he must have been sure that I would always come to him when he needed my help. Since we met, Razan has never been afraid of getting lost or near death, let alone the possibility of being attacked by a wild animal. He had a damshii that can transport him in a second to safe places.

He felt very confident entering a forest he'd never recognized. He really believes in his nuye; a special bracelet that is used as a tool to summon me. He knew that easily I will come to take him away from any catastrophe. He did call me when he was starting to get lost in the middle of the forest, but I didn't answer because Langit was still whining from his fever, and I couldn't leave him yet. As a special man, of course, he showed his chivalry, not thinking of himself. Not wanting to pressure or force his will on me, even though he desperately needed my help.

He then tried to calm me down, saying that he would soon find his way home after climbing the tallest tree and that I should not worry about him; and I believe what he said. Everything he said was an order to me as his damshii. A damshii is forbidden to say ‘No’ to her chosen human. So, I waited for him to call me again. His voice sounded thirsty and tired, I should have sensed the awkwardness and rushed over to him, but instead, I just intended to catch up soon, to take him home. Only a few seconds later, Razan was drinking water from the poisonous “water source" he had found. I found my chosen man lying under a big tree with a poisonous plant in his hand. He was thirsty, drank the water, and died when I got near him.

I feel very guilty. It's like being a very bad person pretending to be very stupid, and that stupidity kills. My guilt sometimes makes me freeze unconsciously; unable to speak or breathe. Like someone turned the OFF switch on my body. Until Ray or Langit touches my hand or skin, bringing me back to this world.

Tonight, I hugged my two children who soon fell asleep soundly and peacefully. This is a good time to freeze for a long time, realizing my mistakes; my selfishness. What kind of Damshii I am? Karambi must be disappointed in me. I'm the worst Damshii ever of all my generation. I'm a disgrace. Not worth living as Damshii.

"Stop punishing yourself Kandi..." Karambi's voice in my head, she heard my thoughts. I forgot to cast a spell to close my mind. Karambi was probably resting too, and I was just bothering her with my thoughts about Razan.

"I'm always wrong. If I don't break the rules because of my feelings, I'll abandon my duty for the sake of my feelings. Maybe I shouldn't be Damshii..." I and my endless regrets.

Karambi's voice let out an annoyed groan. "Kandi, I've told you many times. Your memory of Lamaar will kill you if you don't forget it soon."

I wanted to immediately retort, 'how can I forget Lamaar, because the memory of that very special chosen man lives within 2 hearts that beat with my heart all the time?', but Karambi would definitely be more annoyed, having heard that answer more than two times.

Again, this doesn't make sense. Karambi should have known that what I was thinking at that moment was the moment I "killed" Razan, not Lamaar. Why did she have to mention the father of my children when I wasn't thinking about it?

Lamaar is Ray and Langit's biological father, my chosen man too. Because if he wasn't my chosen, I wouldn't have met him. For us damshiis, meeting a chosen man whom we have to serve his desire is a noble task of great pride. They usually have done many extraordinary things for other oppressed and helpless beings, and then because of their weaknesses or shortcomings were kept away from the "gift" of kindness or pleasure they derserved—which should have been due after sacrificing for others.

Justice will be sent to him in a damshii who would give him the freedom to travel wherever he wanted at light speed. Damshii will faithfully accompany, serve, and protect these chosen men throughout their lives. Apart from me and Karambi, there are fifteen other damshiis scattered on this earth. Not all girls are like me. Our job is to give those chosen special human privileged access to cheat the time and space.

They could call us to come and serve them any time through nuye bracelet in their wrist, then we had to deliver wherever they wanted to go any time they wanted. Our ability to move through space and outsmart time will multiply during the full moon. Some damshiis will use the full moon to perform special tasks that seem impossible; more than just being those chosen people's personal teleports.

The work of gifting this magical journey will make the chosen ones happy and have great zest for life to continue to do good things; which automatically makes us happy too; because the completion of our assignment to a chosen human will make us live hundreds of years more. Under one condition; that we must not fall in love with the chosen human we serve, or we lose our longevity. I committed that fatal offence once with Lamaar. Then Karambi said I have to wait. If there are no other mantuley song—as a sign of one chosen person waiting for me out there—then I got the punishment already. But if I still can beat the time and space, maybe there’s no punishment and I will be forgiven this time.

I love Lamaar; one of chosen men I served. I was a bad damshii for using my feelings in communicating and serving him. I was wrong. But that was a fatal error I accepted with pleasure. I don't mind having a short life, because Lamaar has given me Ray and Langit.

A happy sinner, as Karambi calls me.

How could I not love Lamaar? He sacrificed his youth to take care of the old horses he saved from the slaughterhouse yard. He had to flee into the forest with the horses he saved, because the owner of the slaughterhouse and the police were looking for him, to hang him dead. When he was almost caught, I was sent to him. I brought him with all his horses to this village; Angkak, and I should have let him marry and raise a family with other woman human until he died a natural death, then I would be sent to the next chosen human in some corner of the world. However, that is not what happened.

Lamaar's eyes pierced me as I moved him and his horses. His hand touched my cheek. He didn't look at me with fear, as is usually the case when humans see damshiis for the first time. Lamaar didn't say much, but his eyes said everything in his heart. He fell in love with me at his first sight.

I broke the rules because I let Lamaar fall in love with me, and let him make me fall in love with him too. Lamaar wanted me; want to have my soul and body. I should have stopped him at that point, but his lovely piercing eyes and smile made me want it too. It's no longer about a chosen man whose damshii is privileged, but about Lamaar and I, who don't want to be apart, and want each other. Then we have Ray and Langit.

It might be my destiny, I thought. I can't live the life of Karambi, Madea, Vong and the other damshiis. I will leave this mortal world like any other ordinary mortal one day. I myself do not know when it will be. But as long as I spend my life with Lamaar, I don't mind dying with him.

Now that Lamaar died, I didn't die with him. I have to take care of our two children, Langit and Ray; who need my presence as their mother. Though I might have to accept the punishment for not living long.