Kandi and Armein

Chapter 6. Kandi, Don't fall in love!

"Maybe next time, you should bring Ray and Sky with you on your assignment!" Karambi made a suggestion that made me think hard. Can I do that? Would my children be happy if I took them away across time and space, moving from place to place, and making them live in new places different from the mountains that raised them? Suddenly I think being in a new place might be an exciting experience for them. It's very likely Ray and Langit will like it. However, is it possible that I can serve my chosen human and prioritize him like a true damshii, while involving two children I carry here and there? Of course, Karambi replied 'Why not? You should try it!' because no damshii has ever done it. There has never been a damshii as stupid as me who let her heart and incapability of holding love torn apart this noble task.

"Karambi, how do I negotiate my conditions? And with whom?  I don't want any more punishment to befall me, in particular which makes me leave Ray and Langit. May I not be a damshii anymore as my punishment?" 

Karambi said she didn't know. She also did not know what would happen to me and my questions, or whether I would be punished severely or not. She felt very sorry for me though. 

Karambi had thought that probably nothing would happen, and that I might be crushed to death by a small plane on a mountainside, like Lamaar, dead by my own karma. 

However, what about Ray and Sky? What will happen to them? Will Ray replace me as damshii? Or Sky? Or both of them? If that's the case, then my punishment will be incomparable.

I suddenly feel unhappy being a damshii though I haven't lost any pride in it either. We live like moon dust in the sky. Suddenly being in a circle of creatures like us who are ready to soar one by one over the earth to become vehicles for special people who love and care for creatures other than themselves; to then cheat their concept of time and space. 

We reap their happy and grateful vibes until they die, then we serve the next chosen person. So, on. Karambi and I and our friends don't have a mother and father, we don't even know what the concept of mother and father is. And here I am the 'weird' damshii who is the mother of two human children. What have I done?

Throughout the preparation period, I knew what the punishment was if I violated the duties and rules of a damshii. We were all reminded not to make those mistakes. We can't be possessive and controlling. The chosen human we serve can do whatever they want and we can't stop them or disobey them. We must not fall in love with the people we serve. Should not. That's a big mistake.

It is said that a feeling of love will make us neglect our priorities, and put our chosen human second. And I've made that big mistake. I don't have the strength to dodge it at all. We were never taught how to stop our hearts from loving. How to stop feeling happy or fluttering when you are with someone very special. How to turn off such feelings? We should be trained to do it if indeed loving humans is a big mistake for us.

"What can I do, Karambi? There's no way I'd be bringing Ray and Langit around if I had to go on duty again. They're going to suffer and I won't be able to prioritize them, nor my chosen; I definitely have to put chosen humans first, right?!" my agony got no answer from Karambi.

She must be just as confused as I am suddenly having the desire to end my life as a damshiiand become a fully human mother for Ray and Langit. But how to kill my damshii entity but still live for Ray and Sky?

"You can't turn yourself suddenly into a human, Kandi! It can't be like that. I don't know, maybe because of what you did with Lamaar, you can't live as long as us now. But isn't that what you want? Live short and die. But before you die, will you always face that dilemma? You are a damshii… you will suddenly have to leave your children again. Your destiny is like a human inborn disease; you are innocent of its existence, but you also can’t ask justice to abolish it. You understand?" Karambi suddenly felt compelled to explain.

As a damshii I can't plan suicide or half-suicide—doing something that increases my chances of dying, or whatever. I have to go through it all; yes, my duty, as well as fate and "my punishment".

However, what Karambi said has given me an idea. If I can't avoid my duty, then I must prepare for my death. My death will mean a different life for my two children. If it wasn't for the punishment, I thought there was, then I would outlive my two children. Of course, my two children wouldn't end up as damshii like their mother. However, if there's a punishment for me that only lasts me the entire lifespan of a human, then I'm very likely to die before Ray and Heaven. If that was the case, how could I die peacefully, unless I know that even without me, my two children would still be safe and happy? I have to prepare another human who can replace me taking care of Ray and Sky when my life stops.

Then I found Dayu among women who are willing to do anything to get out of a marriage full of suffering. In this human village, married women seem to be divided in two; those who allow their bodies to be persecuted and their minds to be tortured as long as they and their families continue to get food, clothing and shelter, and those who will be willing to do whatever it takes to get out of that situation. Dayu is the second kind. 

Her emaciated body was hit by slavery under the guise of marriage. She ran away from the family of a cow's milk entrepreneur down there. So that no one else would recognize her, she shaved her head and ran a razor blade down the left side of her face, leaving a long slash from the tip of his nose to his chin. Residents found a bald woman with her face covered in blood in a small prayer room next to a row of toilets for would-be climbers. When the locals made a loud noise calling for the police, Dayu ran into this protected forest with all her might, and after hours of running away, she found our house.

Ray and Langit liked the presence of a cheerful Dayu. Ray even gave her favorite scarf for Dayu to cover her bald head in the first few hours of our meeting. I think Ray has a good feeling about this woman, and like his father, Ray also likes to follow her heart. Dayu is very diligent and good at cooking delicious food—all of which Ray and Langit love so much that it doesn't take long for her to steal their attention and affection. I secretly trained her to take care of Ray and Sky. Without her realizing it, Dayu absorbed everything I practiced and told her. This includes where we keep our money and valuables in case, we are forced to sell them at any time. However, Dayu did not look excited by all that she just knew. She even once put on a gloomy face when I told her where I kept the shiny yellow stones that many people hunted.

"Why are you showing me your gold vault? You want me to steal it and get out of here? I won't do that." I pulled her into my arms, I didn't think she would think like that. She seemed to feel tested, but I don't like doing things like that. I told her that I believed her, that's why I told her all that. She then cried louder in my arms.

"You look like you're going somewhere… don't…" she sobbed. I don't know what to answer. I also don't want to make a will or say goodbye. Even though I'm well aware that if I don't take the opportunity I have, I might never have the chance to do so. I just hugged her tighter, in my heart I was grateful that she came to our house as an answer to my prayer. I was now ready if I suddenly had to leave again to carry out my main duties as a damshii; serve the chosen humans; without having to worry about killing them through my inability to set priorities.

"You're not going, are you, Kandi?" Dayu has a strong 6th sense. She knows that I wouldn't be able to do everything I do for her if it weren't for the fact that I needed her to replace me with all of those tasks someday. 

However, I never told her I knew what was going through her mind. I think she would be a little scared if she knew my ability to read her mind. I'm just happy to see how Ray is getting closer to Dayu, and Langit will run for her whenever he needs something, especially when he's hungry. I think I've made the right preparations for my children. 

Seeing Ray and Langit enjoying the mountain and village atmosphere and all the business in the garden with Dayu, I was sure that my two children would not become damshii. Madea once told me that a damshii can be seen from an early age. She will prefer to sleep or stare at the sky for a long time. Two things I've never seen in Langit or Ray. Somehow that relieved me.

"I'm glad you found the answer to your problem, Kandi… the next problem is don't hesitate when you have to leave Ray and Langit now. There's already Dayu, right?!" Karambi probably thought I could fail everything again. 

Doing various unnecessary mistakes just because of feelings. I'm too weak in some ways. That's what my fellow damshii thought. They can't understand how I can love and make love to the people I should be devoted to. This weak heart of mine is a great mystery to them. Truly a great mystery to me too. Realizing my "handicap" made me dislike my life a little, but I'm going to prove that I can do my job; and that I will not always make the same mistakes as before. My promise was never made, but I knew Karambi, Madea, Vong and the others had heard and knew it. 

"If your next chosen person is a woman, maybe you won't make the same mistake, Kandi." As if you could choose who you'd be assigned to, Karambi.