Kandi and Armein

Chapter 7. Kandi's Bow to The Desire

Karambi, is also unable to escape when her chosen is a man who then demands a lot. His name is Bam. Karambi was sent to him when everyone around him left him lying on the side of the road after fighting bad guys who were about to kidnap a girl, and he managed to thwart it. They thought with all the blood and sharp object attacks that hit his body, the man could not be alive again. No one wanted to take his body to the side or even take him to the hospital to try to save his life, because the gang of criminals was watching from afar, waiting for anyone to try to help him. After a day and a night lying down, finally Bam was really left alone on the side of the lonely road. Just before a hungry python was thrown at him, Karambi took him to an abandoned house by the river two mountains from where Bam was found.

After 4 days of Karambi taking care of him very painstakingly, Bam finally opened his eyes and stuttered. Karambi explains his duties to Baam, and that Bam can choose to keep Karambi or kick her out of his life. The man of course needs Karambi. In my opinion, Bam then fell in love with Karambi. Her beautiful long limbs and golden hair, with that contagious smile; I have no doubt. However, unlike me who is weak-hearted, Karambi is not carried away or influenced by Baam's attitude. Karambi serves as a model damshii; who only devotes herself and does not in the least fall in love or forge a deeper relationship with the chosen she serves. 

That's how it should be. However, Bam never seems to give up trying to make Karambi fall in love with him. This man was chosen because he never stopped helping anyone who needed his help. Anybody. Even when his only inheritance house was asked for by an old widow who had abandoned her children, Bam gave it away, just like that. He left the house he owned with joy, to see the happiness of the old widow who was finally able to live alone without the pain of feeling a burden to her children. Bam is that good?

Bam also gave whatever he held to anyone who needed it and asked him; even the food that was in front of his mouth though. With such extraordinary qualities, Bam is indeed very special. Karambi's presence is certainly the right gift, the man deserves it. However, then Bam fell in love with Karambi, so he did many things he had never done before. Being selfish, fussy, and happy to nag Karambi for this and that. I think he was probably hoping for Karambi to get annoyed and show her emotions. Because as damshii, Karambi is like a servant robot without emotion.

Karambi once told me how Bam asked him to hug and kiss him when they were at the top of the mountain.

"You do that?" I asked. Karambi nodded "Of course. Whatever he wants..." then I asked again if Bam was happy after Karambi did it. Surprisingly the answer is no.

"I thought he would be happy after I granted his wish, Kandi… but he was not happy to see my face, and said that he would never ask me to hug and kiss him again… and he looked very sad…" Karambi told him with a straight face as if surprised by what happened to him.

Hearing that I remembered how Lamaar treated me. He dared not do or ask for anything like that. He only asked to travel to places he had not been able to go before. When he kissed the green stone on the bracelet I gave him; the nuye, Lamaar always said very carefully; 

"May I ask you to take me to Paseron Village… there is a common people's party there which is said to be very lively and exciting. I want to see it." 

Then he would wait for me to spread my seven shawls at the end of my dance before I signaled for him to come closer and hug my waist tightly. And when I flicked the hem of the scarf that took us to our desired destination two seconds later, he would immediately let go of his arms and step back, bowing his head in thanks.

Lamaar was very afraid of being rude to me and making me uncomfortable. I can imagine how Karambi would follow Baam's orders to hug and kiss him on the mountain top because I would do it too if I were Karambi. However, Lamaar never did that before I finally started to allow him to do it, I was the one who let the blue talisman glow on my chest be touched by Lamaar on our trip to Nambi Island one time.

Lamaar wanted to pick the wild oranges typical of Nambi which were very popular at that time. Just as Lamaar touched the blue talisman, time and space paused. We floated silently over the ocean, Lamaar holding my waist tighter. He was surprised and fascinated to realize that we had been flying to and fro, even if it was only for seconds. It’s Iteda. Lamaar looked around him, unable to believe what had happened, he then burst into tears that I couldn't understand.

For some reason. I couldn't decipher it, because when he did, there weren't any thoughts in his mind that I could hear. And I don't know what's going on in my own mind, because I breathe in those tears from Lamaar's eyes lovingly. As if I did not want to have dripped it. Since then, Lamaar dared to touch me; hug and kiss me, and makes me fall in love with him with everything I have. My soul and body. In this case, Karambi is right, I am wrong. Karambi is a strong and good damshii, I am weak and not good. I'm a crippled damshii.

I can no longer ask for forgiveness or a reduced sentence. Whatever form it falls on me. I broke all the rules. However, how could I not do it? Lamaar makes me feel like I'm not a damshii, I'm like a special human being to Lamaar. He wanted me, adored me, and looked at me lovingly as if this world was nothing compared to my existence. His gentle and understanding touch, full of respect for my body and my existence, made me feel like I was the king of kings to Lamaar.

Just as I put Lamaar as my top priority, I also became Lamaar's top priority. As damchis, we never had the right to ask our special human for anything, but Lamaar asked me to ask him a lot, and he would give it. How can my heart not be weak because of it? When I gave birth to Ray, Lamaar kissed my feet, like a servant kisses his god's feet. Immediately, I wanted to give birth again and feel again the vibrations of Lamaar's love, which was blissfully happy because I had given birth to his biological child.

Isn't all that beauty and vibration so precious to Karambi, Madea, Vong, and the others? I wonder if they feel it too. However, maybe because I'm a weak damshii, I had some doubts; if Karambi were me or were in my position, would she be strong and capable of being callous in the eyes and feel nothing about the way Lamaar treats me? Or does Bam not have the power of gentle gazes like Lamaar, or the touch that thrills body and soul as Lamaar had?

"Have you never loved, Dayu?" I asked this strong woman. She who was painting small flowers on the skin of Ray's arm looked up at my question. She looked at me for a long time before asking back, 

"To men?" I nodded; Dayu immediately shook her head. "They're all pigs," she said later. I laughed a little.

"Not all men are bad, Dayu, and I've never seen any bad pigs either…" I spoke. Replace Dayu who burst into laughter.

"I love you!" she said suddenly. Her right hand reached towards my face. I reflexively leaned toward her, so that her right hand reached my face, and Dayu then gently stroked my cheek. I smiled at her, "I love you too, Dayu!" The sweet girl returned my gaze, and her deep eyes dug deep into my heart.

Ray then shouted, "I love Mom, I love Dayu too!" Then we laughed and hugged each other. Our laugh is merely the right language for our feelings toward one another. Maybe if Langit wasn't taking a nap, he'd join our cuddle group and laugh the loudest.

However, Dayu and I couldn't laugh out loud when the two beautiful children were fast asleep. Dayu who sleeps on a cloth swing next to the amben where Ray and Langit sleep, will stretch her hand towards me, asking to be held. We could talk for hours on end, sometimes until daybreak, holding hands like that, but no laugh.

"You seem to be leaving, Kandi..." She had said that inkling sentence every time, I would just answer it with a smile. Dayu does not demand any treatment, except that she always asks the same question over and over again; she said her urge is a premonition. Always when the kids are asleep, or when it's just the two of us. If I didn't answer, she would wait a few minutes, with her eyes fixed on me, hoping that I would finally answer. However, she would then relent and stop waiting for my answer.

If Lamaar were here, I might have asked him, would the loving attitude Dayu bestow on me would means that she loves and care for Ray and Langit too? Because I want it like that. Although I'm not sure. Lamaar would know the answer. Because he was the first human able to pinpoint exactly what I felt when I cried happily seeing him kiss my feet after our children were born. "You feel that the universe loves you, Kandi..." he said, mentioning the contents of my head. I don't know how to put into words how I felt at the time, but Lamaar could put it right. Lamaar would know the right answer. 

"You feel that this universe was created for you and our child, don't you, Kandi… I become the part you love so much from your universe. My universe blends into your universe, Kandi. I do whatever it takes to make you smile and look at me like that…"

Lamaar’s words stayed in my head forever. 

For us damchis, feeling the vibrations of that deep feeling is very confusing. I don't know if Karambi ever felt it. But when I feel it, I don't know how to tell it, or how to let others know what I'm feeling. Like when you just open a pearl shell a little, peek into it, and see pearls that sparkle beautifully, then you realize that the shell with the pearl in it is a living thing that you want to keep alive. While you already hurt the shell. You can't possibly open the shell with all you might just to see or take the pearl. It will hurt the pearl. The desire to take it just because you fell in love with its beauty, but you hurt or kill it to do so is so unreasonable.

You want that dazzling pearl to live even though it is hidden within a hard shell. At that time, you fully believed that the pearl was a living being that you held, whose fate was entirely in your hands. Your hands will determine whether the enchanting pearl will stay alive or become an inanimate object. Unrealizing that you just hurt and kill the shell to feel it. Maybe that's how confused I felt for Lamaar when he kissed my feet after our child was born. I fell in love with Lamaar and our love, but I kill my truest self to do that. 

"Kandi, are you sure if your affection for your children is because they were born to you, or because they are Lamaar's biological children?" asked Karambi once. I was silent to hear it. I could barely answer it. I simply replied, "I love them because they are a part of me and Lamaar. They are our monuments." I know my answer doesn't satisfy Karambi. He will never understand it.

Langit's face is becoming more and more like Lamaar's. Sometimes when Langit is in my arms and looking at me intently, I can feel Lamaar's presence in his eyes and his touch on my skin. Lamaar seemed to have entered my body, warmed my entire circulation, and released all the painful bonds within it.

Ray rarely looks me in the eye. She often avoided my gaze. But when she's pampering me, the touch of her hand on the skin of my shoulder, or my arm, I feel there's Lamaar in there. Lamaar's warmth and the softness of his lips on Ray's. My cute but shy little girl, just like her real father. She would immediately stop singing when playing with goats, cats, or squirrels in our yard, as soon as a bird chimed in. She wasn't angry but looked embarrassed when the bird's voice chimed in.

"Why don't you sing along, Ray? They seem to want to sing with you..." I commented when the birds started chirping to hear Ray's singing. She was still embarrassed to answer, "My voice is not as good as theirs…they want to help me sing…to keep Mom and all the trees entertained."

That's Lamar too. Not wanting to admit his abilities. Ray inherited a side of Lamaar who always felt he wasn't good enough and didn't deserve credit. Not only that, but I can feel Ray also inherited a side of Lamaar who doesn't want to make me sad and depressed.

Dayu caught my little girl looking at me for a long time from afar with worried eyes. Maybe in her heart, there was a feeling that I would leave her suddenly, one day. But unlike Dayu, Ray never asked. My girl is like Lamaar, afraid that her curiosity will hurt me or make me suddenly leave. Though I can't go anywhere as long as Lamaar is there, in the bottom of my mind, in my heart, is the reason for everything I do.

"You miss him too much and it's not good for you. You have to forget…" Karambi always interfered with my feelings and the focus of my life. I don't mind her doing it. I just doubt if I can be what Karambi wants me to be. And is what she wants the same as what Ray and Langit want for me too?

"I want to…." Dayu looked at me deeply, but she didn't continue her sentence. I didn't have time to wait or be curious, because suddenly I felt the sound of natural music that I know so well, the mantuley.

The rustle of the tips of the tall grass danced in the wind, which was greeted by the sound of the tree trunks twisting showing their strength, then the dance of the leaves, then became a soft song that swayed the night. All I have to do is open my mouth, singing a song that comes not from memory, but from all the blood and cells that beat faster than my heart, making my body as light as cotton. After that, starting from the tip of my left toe which will glow purple, seven scarves will fall from my back, and a necklace of 700 stones will begin to coil from the tip of my left leg, up to my torso, wrap around my waist, run down my back and shoulders, then a glowing blue talisman. would fall right down my cleavage. My body dances uncontrollably. That's when I will dash away from everything; Ray, Langit, and Dayu.

"Are you ready, Kandi?" asked Karambi in a trembling voice. She was more nervous than I anticipated my mantuley this time. I think she also thought about all that was going to happen to me and was happy that I still is a damshii because we thought I was punished and stopped being one, but Karambi was sad too. Only Karambi and I could feel the arrival of the natural music before it was heard as the music that marked our assignment. I will not answer Karambi's question, I turned to my two pearls who were peacefully sleeping. I kissed their sleeping faces, then I held Dayu's hand tighter, "Take good care of them both..." I whispered. A creek down her eyes.