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The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI
By: Parekiaa Updated just nowFantasy
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Chapters: 12
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Ever wondered why isekai protagonists always wake up comfortably in bed, complete with their predecessor's memories and a tearful sister/maid at their side? Well, our hero isn't so lucky. No convenient memory inheritance. No peaceful awakening. No helpful NPC guide. Instead, Kyle opens his eyes to find himself bound and at the mercy of a ruthless sorceress wielding a whip, demanding answers he doesn't have. Zero tutorial, straight to the boss fight. "Talk! Or else…" "Lady, I don't even know who I am!" Trapped in a medieval fantasy world where magic is heresy and the Church hunts practitioners without mercy, Kyle must navigate political intrigue, dodge religious persecution, and somehow survive the schemes of a dangerous sorceress - all while armed with nothing but his wits and a mysteriously acquired AI companion with a talent for unhelpful commentary. Welcome to a fantasy world where: Your enemies are smarter than you Your allies might kill you tomorrow The Church wants you dead And your snarky AI buddy won't stop critiquing your life choices
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The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 12: Benjamin and Grant
In the span of a single instant, Kyle envisioned countless potential outcomes for this encounter.The strange man might blanch in terror and flee. He might lunge at Kyle, knife flashing, leading to a desperate struggle. With luck, some member of House Lither would come bursting in to subdue the intruder…Eyeing that gleaming blade, Kyle harbored no illusions about the man's intent.Ill intent? More like murderous intent.Arson, assault and battery seemed well within the realm of possibility.In that frozen moment, Kyle's mind suddenly kicked into overdrive. What to do? Try to fight him off? Not bloody likely - in his scrawny, freshly-isekai'd body, taking the man head-on would be tantamount to assisted suicide.Scream for help, then? Probably his best bet, certainly better than trying to brain the blighter with a water sphere. Though who could say if any guards were close enough to respond in time…But just as he was about to let loose a mighty bellow, his knife-wielding visitor did s
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 11: A Long Night, Sleepless
"Young master, you can return to your rest. Leave Mr. Fur to us," a middle-aged man in a butler's uniform stepped forward after the interminable silence, defusing the awkward scene.Young master?Kyle's interest was piqued."Yes, I'll leave it to you then."Sure, watching a man wallow in a veritable ocean of human waste was entertaining enough, the kind of spectacle that would normally merit a few extra gawks and maybe a sneaky picture or two for the 'gram. But as the perpetrator, Kyle could hardly stand back and enjoy the show - best to make himself scarce. And if he was being honest, he didn't much care what became of the victim. Roaming the halls at witching hour playing at ghosts only to get doused in excrement… that was just karma at work.Besides, Kyle had bigger fish to fry. Namely, his own situation.Judging by the onlookers' behavior and the manor's lavish decor, he had a sneaking suspicion about his current circumstances.He was back with House Lither.Granted, the specifics
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 10: A Rude Awakening
In a daze, Kyle dreamt once more.He was back in middle school. A drowsy afternoon, the math teacher at the front, back turned as he wrote on the chalkboard. The chalk struck the board with dull, heavy clacks.Kyle's head spun.He couldn't make out what was being written, everything blurred as if out of focus. His gaze locked onto the raised lines of the teacher's shirt, the only clear detail in a sea of haze.Kyle stared, transfixed, neck and cheeks itching.The math teacher turned. It was his boss's face, a man in his forties, spectacled, lips painted.Pointing at Kyle, he bellowed: "Moon Prism Power, make up!!""…"Kyle jolted awake once more.Emerging from the bizarre dream a second time, he felt like he'd been crammed on a subway for hours, ready to hurl. Mercifully, he wasn't bound in some strange locale or wracked with pain. Only a dull ache in his left cheek, slightly swollen.His left cheek…Senses returning, Kyle recalled what had transpired.Michelle's fist, slamming into h
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 9: The Water Sphere's Gambit
"Have you completely lost it?"The AI's voice erupted in Kyle's mind, practically vibrating with panic."Oh, look who rebooted," Kyle observed coolly."System startup achieved in 0.1 seconds, surpassing 99.99% of known processing speeds," the AI announced smugly before pivoting sharply. "But that's hardly relevant right now. Are you actively trying to get us killed? Why would you reveal you're an impostor?""That's not what matters.""Then pray tell, what does?""Michelle's reaction to it."Kyle kept his gaze trained on the sorceress as he conducted this internal dialogue.And just as he'd predicted, Michelle barely acknowledged his confession. She merely let out a contemptuous snort, not even deigning to shift her position. His revelation seemed to leave her utterly unmoved.The AI lapsed into stunned silence before muttering, "I must be experiencing a critical system error. Clearly my security protocols have been compromised.""…"Kyle could hardly blame his digital companion for st
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 8: Unmasked?
Half an hour after Annie's untimely demise…On the other side of the proverbial chessboard, Kyle's situation was scarcely any better."…so you'd sacrifice your own partner just to get one over on me?"Not that Kyle was suddenly overcome with righteous indignation on Annie's behalf. He simply didn't know what else to say, short of condemning Michelle on moral grounds.And he HAD to keep talking. Silence was tantamount to surrender at this point. After all, he and Michelle were still engaged in "negotiations"… even if said negotiations had long since departed from Kyle's imagined script.It was his last shot at survival."What sacrifice?" Michelle's already frosty demeanor turned positively glacial. "Sir Lither, I fear I've been entirely too accommodating for the sake of our partnership. It seems to have given you the mistaken impression that this is a casual conversation between equals."Accommodating, his foot.Kyle felt the noose tightening around his neck. It was painfully clear tha
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 7: Annie's Demise
Annie often wondered how she would meet her end.Strangely enough, she never pictured it being a peaceful passing. She dreamed of being torn limb from limb, her broken body a gruesome sight, yet she felt no fear or unease. Once, she dreamed of dying quietly in a sickbed, the people holding a lovely funeral in her honor. Michelle stood silently before her grave, laying a bouquet of lilies at its base.Annie awoke with a start, drenched in cold sweat, unable to find rest for the remainder of the night.Ever since meeting Michelle, it seemed all of Annie's dreams had come to revolve around her. Being cut to ribbons by Michelle's blade, the two of them burning together at the Church's stake, choking the life from Michelle with her bare hands… there was even one where she and Michelle made frenzied love in a seedy little inn, though in her waking hours she'd never entertained such thoughts.Not until she resolved to betray Michelle.The seeds of betrayal had first taken root when Michelle'
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 6: The Cleanser
Life is full of illusions. Your phone is vibrating in your pocket, that cute barista is into you, and you can turn the tables on your captor.Kyle found himself firmly in the grip of that third illusion.Trusting in the AI's ability to put the incantation on loop, he focused all his mental energy on the words, intent on mastering the binding spell and using it to gain the upper hand on Michelle. And the AI didn't let him down, dutifully repeating the mystical phrase ad nauseum.No, the one who let Kyle down was Kyle.No matter how many times the AI looped the chant, no matter how intently Kyle concentrated, he simply could not wrap his mind around the intricacies of the spell.By focusing his thoughts inward, he found himself back in that strange mindscape. Everything was just as he'd left it - an endless expanse of inky black nothing, the luminous blue triangle thrumming with eldritch power. The AI's voice echoed through the space, the incantation repeating over and over, just as it
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 5: Binding Spell
"Annie, we can't afford to let this chance slip away."The heated back-and-forth continued, but Michelle appeared to be winning the argument."But… what other choice do we have?" Annie's shoulders slumped in defeat.Michelle was silent for a moment before approaching her companion, her voice low and urgent. "There's one last card we can play. And it all hinges on you."That caught Kyle's attention.He was desperate for any scrap of hope, any sign that they could still shake the Lither clan's pursuit."The Lithers have no idea what our true goal is, and they don't know our exact numbers," Michelle pressed, her tone persuasive. "You could lead them on a wild goose chase without breaking a sweat. They'll assume the hostage is with you. All you need to do is head south at full speed - they won't be able to keep up."Annie hesitated, uncertainty flickering across her features. "You want me to be the decoy?"Michelle nodded, gesturing to Kyle's prone form. "I'll stay behind with our guest.
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI Chapter 4: Awakening the Mind's Eye
The witching hour hung heavy over the forest as Michelle and Annie trudged onward, Kyle stumbling along between them.Inside the prison of his skull, the AI droned on, a broken record stuck on a single cryptic phrase.The very incantation Annie had uttered to unleash her aquatic assault."Look, if you're so gung-ho about mastering the mystic arts, why not cut to the chase and ask Glinda and Elphaba over there for a crash course? There's only so many times I can repeat this before my circuits start frying." Even the long-suffering AI was reaching the end of its digital rope."Bold of you to assume they wouldn't just use me for target practice."Kyle was no closer to deciphering the arcane formula, but he'd be damned if he threw in the towel now."Don't leave me hanging, buddy. Hit me with that magic spam."Thirty mind-numbing minutes had passed since his eureka moment. Thirty minutes of Kyle's world narrowing to that single phrase, an all-consuming obsession.Thirty minutes of Michelle
